Last night I actually watched the presidential address. It was not my fault. No decent hockey games were on, our DVR was empty and Jeopardy was not showing due to the speech. I will take "Apathetic American" for $400, Alex. Obama is a great orator. He is take your panties off smooth. I am so used to Bush tripping over words and fumbling around at the podium for the past eight years that it is refreshing. My love for Obama ends there, however. Aside from appreciating the historical context of his presidency, I think Obama is all spectacle, no substance. Case and point the public relations sweetness of giving a military-themed speech at West Point. Here is my rundown of what Obama said last night:

We are pulling out of Iraq and re-mobilizing to Afghanistan. This should excite you as I have talked with generals and advisers who told me this what we need to do. Here is an exact date of when I will bring home the troops. Yes, I think war is timed like a football game and America just entered the fourth quarter. Go Bears! Here is a comparison of me to FDR. Please ignore the irony that New Deal programs failed miserably and/or saddled future generations of Americans with the burden of contributing to programs that will go bankrupt in their lifetime (Social Security). Something about liberty. We like Muslims now. Support your troops. It is all Bush's fault.

Who needs a drink? And some Obama Jesus gear? And some Hope Is Fading Fast gear?

Labels: america, history, politics, pop culture, war

• Sarah Palin is MILF-tastic. I could care less about her politics or shitting developmentally disabled babies out of her old dried-up uterus when she has that slutty soccer mom thing working for her.
  
• Foreign policy lessons for America from the Byzantine Empire. Very Art of War with guerrilla warfare sprinkles on top. I agree with most of these points, however, the United States has the tremendous advantage of geographic isolation which the Byzantine Empire did not. This means we can wage wars on six continents with a slim a chance of the conflicts spilling over into our Motherland. So unless we drop bombs on Canada or Mexico, I am guessing Americans will flourish historically a lot longer than the Byzantines.
• The more I see of Ice-T's wife Coco, the happier with him as a person I become. Continue to Peel Their Caps Back with your cave bitch, good sir.

Labels: america, boobs, chicks, history, music, politics, pop culture, war

• Timberlake absolutely killed Saturday Night Live over the weekend. I am loving the Color Me Badd personas he and Samberg take on. Acid-washed jeans? Christ.
  
• The Denver Nuggets have been rolling through the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs. The main reason? Homegrown talent Chauncey Billups. I remember watching Chauncey eat my high school alive in the state basketball tournament back in '94. If the Nugs win it all, there is no player more deserving of MVP honors.
  
• Rwanda, fifteen years after the genocide. The new government granted Get Out Of Jail Free Cards to most participants of the single largest mass murder in African history. Good times.
  

Labels: death, denver, history, link goodness, music, pop culture, sports, war

With Hillary either conceding this weekend or waiting for an Obama assassination attempt, it looks like the impending presidential election will feature John McCain (R) against Barack Obama (D) and some third party hacks that are not relevant because they did not have enough money to run a competitive presidential campaign. As a declared independent, I find myself smack dab in the middle of the two major parties on most of the relevant political issues. I like to pay as little taxes as possible. I support gun ownership. I support re-separating the church from the state. I am fine with legal immigrants speaking Spanish, stealing jobs and paying taxes on their income. I am fine with women having the choice to kill their unborn children. I believe that global warming has little to do with human influence and is just a natural part of Earth's climate cycle. And lastly, I support establishing a democratic regime in Iraq that is friendly to United States economic interests. Blood for oil? Goddamn right. Spill more blood for oil, I say. Oil is freedom. Oil is the American way. It fuels vehicles, planes, truck fleets and riding lawnmowers. It brings food, living supplies, mobility and convenience to my doorstep. Why would I not want to protect that? Fight the good fight, troops. What ever peace mongering hippy yells "No Blood For Oil" at you is probably driving a Subaru Outback (which gets 20 miles to the gallon), shopping at Whole Foods (which gets their inventory transported in by long haul truckers getting 11 miles to the gallon), supports feeding the homeless (yet lives in a community with anti-panhandling laws) and complains about lackluster education (yet home schools their children or sends them to private institutions) should be dutifully ignored. So who do I vote for? An old war dog that wants to get his work down by the early afternoon so he can catch a quick nap before the early bird at the Sizzler? Or a slick, youthful, used car salesman that never really offers me a viable solution to any problem? Mix in everything I just posted with the fact that I have an intense distrust for politicians and government and here I am. Let the games begin!

Labels: america, politics, war

• Analytics according to Captain Kirk. In short, the survival rate of a red-shirted crew person on the USS Enterprise is akin to that of a Russian infantryman during WWII.
• A timeline of Black Flag's hair.
• The Montana Meth Project. Gritty, jarring and perfect.

Labels: drugs, link goodness, music, pop culture, war

• Tips on managing Millennials (or as I like to call them "The Participation Ribbon Generation"). Not willing to make routine sacrifices, cannot handle criticism well and take things too seriously, you say? I am guessing it had something to do with an entire generation being raised with a sense of entitlement, hyper-sensitivity and not being allowed to fail. Guess we should have kept score at their Little League games after all.
• The perfect Valentine's Day gift: Afghani War Rugs! Now available in the new, delicious 9/11 Flavor!
• Roger Clemens throws his wife under the bus to protect what is left of his sterling professional baseball reputation. Well played, Mr. I Did Not Use HGH But My Bitch Wife Did.
  

Labels: 9/11, age, link goodness, sports, valentines day, war

Meet Bob Keeler. He was born on Valentine's Day, received the Distinguished Service Cross after some dirty Krauts blew his legs off in WW-Deuce and when he dies, he wants to go out dancing. I would pay money to see Bob hand a pack of Emo kids their asses with a prosthetic leg.

Labels: age, valentines day, war

• The sex trade is booming in post-Katrina New Orleans.
• Face tattoos are the mark of the unstable, drug addicts, idiots or criminals that have nothing good to offer society. I present you Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
• Patricia Arquette spilling out of her dress.
• Wikipedia for the Battle of the Trebia, the first major battle of the Second Punic War.
• A teacher who worked in the public school system for two decades after she was caught kissing and groping a 13 year-old student at an middle school dance, became pregnant by a sophomore in high school who she married upon his graduation in 1985 and invited her teenage son's 15 year-old friend to move in with her and then seduced him.
• Map of US Fatalities in Iraq (by home of record) as of October 2006.

Labels: america, crime, history, link goodness, sex, tattoos, unemployment, war

Five years ago I was merging onto the Boulder turnpike on my way into work when a news report came over the radio that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. The previous day, I was a pallbearer at my grandfather's funeral. By the time I walked into the office, both towers were toppled, the Pentagon was hit and "heroes" had taken over a flight bound for the White House and crashed it into rural Pennsylvania (another likely scenario is the plane was shot down by F-16s with cruise missiles and the hero story was disseminated to various media outlets to cover the Air Force's collective asses). My employer sent us all home shortly thereafter, as the tragedy became too overwhelming for anyone to focus on work. My parents called to check on my mental well-being and maybe just to hear a familiar voice. I spent the rest of the day as I imagine most other Americans did; dumbfounded, sad, angry, confused, emotionally drained and awash in bourbon. The months that followed the tragedy were a sickening whirlwind of paranoia, conspiracy and jingoism. The dust settled from the towers and the Bush Administration subverted democracy (or the illusion of democracy) for American's "safety." Left wing patriotic zealots clashed with right wing patriotic zealots and the brief moment of "togetherness" Americans felt was dashed away. Hatred and intolerance for Muslims boiled over. A military campaign to capture Osama Bin Laden was sent into Afghanistan and as of yet has not been successful. A war in Iraq was started under false pretenses. Those opposed to government policy were labeled "un-patriotic." Americans remain dependent on oil and the hard-line theocratic regimes that export oil. American soldiers are dying for an administration that does not seem care about them. What have Americans learned from the September 11 attacks? Difficult times reveal a leader's character or expose their character flaws? A selfish culture focused on money, possession and triviality is understandably not accepted and even hated by some? The September 11 attacks were a horrific tragedy, and no matter how many memorials we construct, how many we kill in the name of retribution and how many laws are passed "ensuring" our safety, it seems evident to me that we have not learned a goddamn thing.

Labels: 9/11, america, colorado, family, history, politics, war

I apologize for my neglect of the MB lately as work has kept me busier than your mom after inhaling Poppers at an anal sex convention. I have been catching up after three weeks of ruining my life and the subsequent celebration of ruining my life in a third world country. On with today's link goodness:

• Graphic representation in the form of nationalistic coffins of the mounting death toll in the Israel-Lebanon conflict (updated daily).
• An open letter to a mental case into mini-fridges.
• A Japanese game show that gives contestants a little "How's Your Father" for incorrect answers.

Labels: death, drugs, link goodness, open letter, perversion, war

I am in the midst of contemplating some major career decisions. These past six months have been the worst of my professional life and that includes my first year out of college when I was laid off twice and commuting fifty miles daily in a car with no air conditioning. Needless to say, I have been sending out resumes with the subtlety of a self-immolating Buddhist monk. I have started a morning ritual of meditating in my car before I go into the office to put myself in the right frame of mind. The ritual goes as such: I take a deep breath and think about starving children in Africa whose villages are torn apart by famine, disease and death. I take a deep breath and think about young female amputees scared for life by land mines and the memories of having sex with zealot soldiers consumed with hate just to survive a civil war. I take a deep breath and think about heroin addicts living on the streets who were born into unloving, drug infested homes where they were physically, sexually and mentally abused. Then I call myself a pussy, put my experience in perspective, sack up and go into the office dreaming of the day when I will finally get rid of that fucking car without air conditioning. Recent developments have me hopeful this will happen very soon. Now on to more important things; like Eastern European broads wrestling in their panties. Spoiler: The match is decided when the brunette puts the blond in a nasty head-scissor lock.

Labels: career, data slaughterhouse, drugs, perversion, war

Today in History:

On March 10, 1974, Second Lieutenant Hiroo Onoda of the Imperial Japanese Army emerges from the jungle and surrenders to Philippine authorities. He thought World War II was still underway and waged a 29 year guerrilla battle killing thirty people and engaging in several shootouts with the police.

For some odd reason, I can relate to this.

Labels: tomfoolery, war

I should be posting something socially redeeming like US forces dropping chemical weapons on Iraqis during the assault on Fallujah. I could point out the cruel irony of the US using the very weapons they claimed to be eradicating Iraq from. Instead, I am obsessed with ex-NFL cheerleader lesbians that have a penchant for sexual deviancy and assault in a public restroom. Penthouse is attempting to woo the aforementioned scissor sisters into a photo spread. Godspeed, Penthouse. Godspeed.

Labels: america, carolina panther cheerleaders, lesbians, war

• A chimpanzee in a South African zoo has taken up smoking.
• Liberian soldiers wear wigs and womens' clothing believing it will protect them in battle.
• The DEA has released the 2005 Drugs of Abuse handbook. Especially enjoyable are the chapters on Hallucinogens (8) and Inhalants (9).

Labels: drugs, link goodness, monkeys, tomfoolery, war

The world according to three-star Marine general James Mattis:

"Sometimes it is fun to shoot some people."

Labels: killing, murder, war

Today marks the 63rd anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor. My great uncle Al was in the harbor during the attack and survived. Most of his shipmates and friends died that day. He went on to serve on another battleship (the name of which escapes me but he eloquently called it "A goddamn tin can"), fought at Guadalcanal and witnessed the famous/bogus flag raising at Iwo Jima. Uncle Al never gave me lectures on freedom nor filled my head with idealistic notions of patriotism. The only advice he ever offered me was to appreciate every day and maintain a good sense of humor. Sound advice from a man with a half-naked hula girl tattooed on his forearm.

Labels: family, history, war

If Americans do not have the right to insert three headed, fourteen inch dildos covered with sixty grit sandpaper into their rectums in the privacy of their own homes anymore, then what in the hell are we fighting in Iraq for? Oh, right. Oil.

Labels: politics, sex, war

My favorite warfare oxymoron is friendly fire (peacekeeping force being a close second). I think it is safe to assume all shots fired on the battlefield are fired with malice since their intent is to harm or kill. Either way, it sucks that Pat Tillman met his end from the bullets of his own troops instead of taking twenty enemy soldiers out by lobbing grenades into their bunker while charging up a hill.

Labels: pop culture, war

When the Battle of Fallujah ends, American troops may have AC/DC and Arabic goat herder insults to thank for it.

Labels: music, pop culture, war

Are you still contemplating what to get your lover for Valentine's Day? Look no further than an Afghan war rug. Nothing says Be Mine Forever quite like it.

Labels: valentines day, war

American forces have captured Saddam Hussein. Instead of going out in a blaze of glory with cock and balls in one hand and firing a Glock 9mm with the other, Saddam sat cowering in his dirt bunker, weeping like a schoolgirl with a skinned knee and surrendered to a 19 year-old jar head from Jerkwater, USA. It was a positive event for President Bush who experienced a one second 100 percent approval rating from me. Shortly thereafter, I went back to hating his filthy, whitebread-eating Texan guts. Jake thinks the haggard Saddam looks like Charles Manson, whereas I think he looks like Jerry Garcia's fucked-up Arab cousin.

Labels: jake, politics, pop culture, war

The sweet winds of freedom blew into a liberated Baghdad months ago. After years of repression under a brutal regime, the Iraqi people celebrated in the streets, tearing down statues of their fallen dictator. Now, the country's infrastructure is destroyed, a weakened puppet government friendly to western economic interests is firmly in place and Muslim factions are erupting into civil war across the country. In short, a democratic Iraq is in fucking shambles but at least they have porn.

Labels: politics, porn, war

Saddam Hussein's sons are dead. Uday apparently thought he was Tony Montana and Caligula rolled into one.

Labels: death, politics, war

Iraqi citizens and United States soldiers are currently "toppling" an enormous statute of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad. It took all of three weeks for coalition forces to race across Iraq and roll into the capital city. A temporary interim government will be established eventually making way for an unstable Arab democratic regime friendly to Western economic interests. Those who support the war will have an orgy freedom fest and non-war activists will go on harboring the delusion that their objections will be listened to by their government. A coworker of mine compared the liberation of Baghdad to the fall of the Berlin Wall. I then reminded her of the financial support, weapons and chemicals the United States gave Saddam over the past few decades and of the activities a unified Germany accomplished in the past ninety years (read: World War I and World War II). Sigh. Just another day in the life of an armchair anarchist.

Labels: america, data slaughterhouse, history, politics, war

I have accepted the fact that America will be going to war with Iraq (again). In my opinion, a policy of preemptive action is just a thinly veiled smokescreen (especially when North Korea, Iran and Pakistan continue to develop nuclear weapons) for the real reason the United States wants to invade; to establish a puppet government in an oil rich Arab nation that is friendly to American economic interests. As I write this, troops are deploying in the Middle East to support the campaign. Although a shot in anger has yet to be fired, Iraqi soldiers are already surrendering.

Labels: america, history, politics, war