• I love my son but I do not love him this much.
• Shipwreck map of Sable Island (a.k.a. the Graveyard of the Atlantic). The island is also famous for its ponies. Good to know.
  
• No matter what former Playboy centerfolds with huge fake cans tell me, I am vaccinating the boy. Much like Roald Dahl, I still take the Measles seriously.
  

Labels: babies, disease, family, history, link goodness, pop culture, random, science, stupidity

My response to the well-compiled Tomato Nation 25 and Over list:

1. Remember to write thank-you notes. The written word is a lost art and most youngsters under age 25 think texting 'THX PLAYA' does the trick. Taking the time to send off a stamped, hand-written note (especially after a job interview) shows that you are considerate and not a serial killer.
2. Do not invite yourself to stay with friends when you travel anymore. Being as I have a deep aversion to inconvenience (both for myself and those around me), this has never been a problem for me. I would much rather crash at a hotel even if family/friends are close by.
3. Do not expect friends to help you move anymore. I only expect my friends to help me move things if they stayed at my house due to a bout of excessive drinking the night before. Asking someone to help you move a roll-top desk with a crippling hangover should not be an issue if said someone yacked in your sink twelve hours earlier.
4. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings. I pride myself on assessing my surroundings and acting accordingly. Alcohol often kills this one for me.
   
5. Be on time. I generally show up on time to most events. If I am late to anything longer than thirty minutes, I will blame my infant child who cannot speak.
6. Have enough money. Nothing pisses me off more than somebody who never brings money out in card or cash from. You did not leave your wallet at home. You are just a cheap bastard.
   
7. Know how to calculate the tip. It is not difficult to multiply the bill by two to get the 20% tip equivalent. If you do not have the mental capacity to calculate a tip without the aid of a calculator or cell phone, eating out is probably the least of your worries.
8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional. Depends on what the dream is about and what your intentions are by sharing said dream. A sex dream with the intention of getting yourself laid? Absolutely. Murdering all you co-workers with a machine gun during a casual Friday with the intention of getting a raise? Probably not.
   
9. Learn to walk in heels. Only applies to me if I patronize an East German sex club.
10. Have at least one good dress-up outfit. Before the wife cleaned me up, taught me how to dress and expanded my wardrobe, I owned only one suit at the behest of my mother. It was my all-purpose suit that saw many weddings, funerals and job interviews. I could sometimes tell the last time I wore it by reaching in the inner-coat pocket and finding an old event program.
11. Do as invitations ask you. I am usually not formally invited to anything and if I am the wife handles all the RSVP-ing and gifting. It is better this way.
    
12. Know how. Sadly I think most people 25 and under grew up with every convenience afforded to them and would perish in the wilderness after being given a knife and a water source. Problem solving is lost on a generation that did not have to solve any problems because their parents were afraid if they failed it would crush there delicate sensibilities. I like to think I know enough about enough to be dangerous.
    
13. Don't use your friends. This should be on an age 5 and over list. You should never use your friends unless they have an awesome surround-sound system.
    
14. Have something to talk about besides college or your job. As the many people in my life can attest, I have plenty to talk about besides college and my job.
15. Give and receive favors graciously. As my Dad said while scolding me after an excessive sports celebration in my youth, "Act like you have been there before."
16. Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It depends on how good the scotch is.
17. Have a real trash receptacle, real Kleenex, and, if you smoke, a real ashtray. Toilet paper serves multiple purposes (in my opinion); nose blowing and ass-wiping. If you smoke? You will be dead before me. That and you should properly dispose of your butts. My yard is not that place.
    
18. Universal quiet hours do in fact apply to you. Working from home I keep weird hours and I keep the volume down during the quiet hours without even realizing it.
19. Take care of yourself. Workout a few times. Take a shower every other day. Do not eat Taco Bell three times a week. Repeat.
20. Rudeness is not a signifier of your importance. It is when you are from California.
    

Labels: career, dad, drinking, family, gluttony, sex, stupidity, wife

Check out these freak shows crying over dead trees. Are there not more pressing things to waste your energy on other than a decaying old growth forest? My favorite part of the video is when Moonbeam lets out a guttural scream and all her dirtbag friends follow suit because I sense they are all actually suffering. I find comfort in hippy suffering. I would love to get in the middle of that mourning circle with an ax and start chopping down something. Or start a good old-fashioned tire fire. I would even settle for just punching a stinky white guy with dreadlocks in the face.

Labels: rage, stupidity

• Hannah Montana penis candy.
• "Raised to be tough" guy also not raised to lose drinking contests.
• Some scientists are claiming that for the first time in human history, the North Pole will be free of ice of this summer. If we can retroactively measure the North Pole ice pack back through Prehistory, then we should be able to stop Tila Tequila.
  

Labels: drinking, link goodness, music, pop culture, science, stupidity

• Alamosa, Colorado. Home of the Great Sand Dunes, a college where slightly above average suburban high school athletes go to die and now, free salmonella!
  
• McDonalds sack 1, Brandon Marshall 0. Brandon Marshall joins the esteemed list of other Denver professional athletes who obtained an injury under strange circumstances (read: getting caught in a lie). Congratulations Brandon! You will now be held in the same esteem as Clint Barmes breaking his collarbone while carrying deer meat (read: being flipped off of a four wheeler) and Brian Griese tripping over his dog, falling down the stairs and spraining his ankle (read: taking a tumble while sloppy drunk). Look on the bright side: almost losing an arm is a better thing to be remembered for than talking about practice.
  
• Mirror gets thrown from Colorado University dorm room window. Hijinks ensue.

Labels: colorado, link goodness, sports, stupidity

• Jake got more ink over the weekend. Two words: fucking huge. At least something will be able to take the attention away from cock dagger now.
• DMX loves dogs like Mike Vick.
• Congratulations to 2007 Miss Teen USA Hilary Cruz (from Colorado; represent). I trust your response during the question and answer segment was not anything like this.

Labels: colorado, jake, link goodness, music, pop culture, sports, stupidity, tattoos

I just received a spam email that reads:

You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue. Our Soft Cialis Tabs can help you fulfill your dreams.

You know how to cut to the core of me, spam email. There is nothing I want more in life than to challenge some pool shark punk to a billiard contest, have them accept and then pull down my pants and run the table with my rigid erection. I would even chalk the tip before every shot just for effect.

Labels: geekery, stupidity

I think the time is nigh to get me some face tattoos (random thought inspired by this guy). I am not going the swastika/lightning bolt/neo-Nazi route as I am not an ignorant hillbilly and am just looking for that extra something to set me apart from other candidates in a job interview. A power tie does not have the same effect as permanent facial modification when applying for a prison bitch, peep show mop-up boy or circus freak position.

Labels: stupidity, tattoos, tomfoolery, unemployment

Me: Then there are these fucking guys.
Jake: I like how you lead into that.
Me: (bows).
Jake: Dude thought the obituary picture was cute? Never mind that she died in a motorcycle crash.
Me: Yeah. She's dead, fellas. How about you try to tap the living, first?
Jake: Well, I would rather they try this than rape Tommy's little sister.
Me: I would rather them not rape anybody, dead or alive. I do like how they bought condoms. That was thoughtful.
Jake: Yes. You don't want to catch maggots.
Me: Or get the corpse pregnant. What were the other dudes going to do while their boy got his Ted Bundy on?
Jake: See if he liked it and then take a poke if it was any good?
Me: Yeesh. There are sloppy seconds and than there are sloppy seconds with a dead body. That is the lowest rung on the sexual deviance ladder. While we're on the topic, I'm thinking they should have bought some lube with those condoms, too.
Jake: Totally.
Me: You know, a guy I play hockey with kind of looks like one of those dudes. His name is Dave. He probably has sex with the dead, too.
Jake: Nice.

Labels: im convos, jake, perversion, sex, stupidity

The magical world of eyebrow tattooing. I am pretty sure tattooing "Fuck You" or "Aryan Honor" on your face limits any legal career pursuits and automatically makes you guilty of anything subversive going down within a ten mile radius.

Labels: crime, stupidity, tattoos

• A chart of reported suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge.
• Fucking dirtyhippies.
• The trebuchet was a siege weapon that was primarily used to fire plague-ridden corpses and other missiles over castle walls. It was not intended for college students looking for kicks on a Friday night.

Labels: death, disease, link goodness, stupidity, suicide, tomfoolery

• David Copperfield is going to impregnate a girl with magic. "Presto! You are knocked up! Now you will have wait nine months and see if the trick worked." This does not sound like a magic tick to me. It sounds like the modus operandi of a guy I went to high school with.
• The Jenga Sears Tower.
• A little league hockey coach implements the ring of death. Hijinks ensue.

Labels: hockey, pop culture, sports, stupidity, tomfoolery

A doctor gets in trouble for calling a patient obese. Does the truth hurt, you sloppy bitch? If you can get off your ass to file a complaint then you can get off your ass to get on an elliptical machine.

Labels: health, stupidity

A new school in Milwaukee has been opened for the victims of bullying and harassment from other children. Their school mascot will be Kurt Cobain and they will never be good enough to win a city championship in basketball.

Labels: education, stupidity

A gold spray paint huffing bender leads to the greatest mugshot ever.

Labels: drugs, stupidity

• A mother has sold her face and dignity for a tattoo advertisement. She says the money will go to her son's education because he is falling behind in school. If the kid inherited his mom's brains then I can understand why he is falling behind in school.
• Takeru Kobayashi has won his fifth consecutive hot-dog eating title retaining the coveted Mustard Yellow International Belt.
• Stella's "groove" consisted of a scheming homosexual, embezzlement and duplicity.

Labels: gluttony, link goodness, pop culture, stupidity, tattoos

I believe it is important to take care of your appearance. Especially when it comes to bleaching your ass.

Labels: random, stupidity

I have heard many urban legends on how to pass a breathalyzer test while intoxicated. My favorite came from a friend in high school who was convinced that sucking on a penny after a night of hard drinking would magically erase the alcohol on your breath (it is a suburban thing, holmes, you would not understand). Whenever he was leaving a party befuddled, he would pop a penny in his mouth, start sucking on it and confidently strut out to his car to drive home. Unfortunately, he was never pulled over so his theory was never tested. It could have been worse, I suppose. He could have been stuffing his own feces in his mouth in an attempt to foil the test.

Labels: a-town, drinking, stupidity, tomfoolery

A gallery of winners at the International Beard and Mustache Championships. Your madness pleases me, Joachim Ott.

Labels: random, stupidity

When you fiend for a hit of crank outside the safe confines of your meth lab, do not panic. The local K-Mart provides the ingredients and an ideal place to cook up; a public restroom.

Labels: drugs, stupidity

Just another day at the races.

Labels: hate, stupidity

A kid who got beat up for wearing a pink shirt to school is suing the school and his attacker. I have some words of advice to the little Mary wearing his ballerina gear. If you are delusional enough to believe that nobody is going to call you a "faggot" and try to fight you when you are:

1. A male.
2. Wearing a pink collared shirt to high school (a place renowned for excessive social Darwinism).

Then you deserved the beating you got. Only one man can pull off the pink shirt and his name is Don Johnson.

Labels: education, pop culture, stupidity

Anti-seat belt activist loses his debate. An excerpt:

In a column written for the Daily Nebraskan in September, Derek attacked seat belt laws as intrusions on individual liberties and expensive to enforce. "It is my choice what type of safety precautions I take," he wrote. "There seems to be a die-hard group of non-wearers out there who simply do not wish to buckle up no matter what the government does. I belong to this group."

I wonder if these were Captain Liberty's last thoughts before his head splattered all over the interstate. I wear a seat belt but not because there is law saying I have to. I buckle up because in the event of an accident, I do not want to exit my automobile at sixty miles per hour skull first through the windshield. Spending my formidable years eating through a straw and having loved ones empty my colostomy bag is not very appealing.

Labels: death, stupidity

Boy meets girl. Boy douses girl with gasoline. Boy throws a match on girl. Girl suffers horrific burns. After months of intensive treatment and physical therapy, girl wants to work things out with boy.

Labels: feelings, stupidity

It takes an abundance of stupidity, mental illness and distorted views on sexuality to commit any act of bestiality. It is too bad for society that this rottweiler was raised in a loving environment and seemingly docile. I would have much rather preferred that sick fucker tangling with an animal that had been chained to a tree and beaten regularly. I am guessing the abused dog would have been far more aggressive and at least bitten his cock off.

Labels: bestiality, stupidity

Before going on a three-day bender, get a babysitter. Better yet, do not have any children. Without responsibilities and another life to take care of, you can wallow in your selfish existence, hang out in garbage-infested alleys and smoke the rock until your heart explodes.

Labels: drugs, stupidity

Maybe I am am antiquated in my child rearing methods, but I think showing children hardcore pornography will not adequately demonstrate what could happen to them by talking to strangers.

Labels: porn, stupidity

All I want to do is smoke up, baby. What is with this annoying neighbor kid? He keeps asking to drive my car? Here are the keys, kid. Now leave me alone let me burn this bowl in peace and quiet. What is the worse that could happen with him driving, anyway? Oh, right.

Labels: bad parents, drugs, inner-monologue, stupidity

I do not care if any of these bitches got a tattoo last week, have a cold, were pierced recently, use intravenous drugs, are HIV infected or contracted hepatitis from some skeezy frat boy that looked like Dave Matthews. They better LIE! If I screw this blood drive up my dad may cut me off and the convertible Cabrio will go back to the dealership and the weekly stipend that keeps this house full of ecstasy tablets and Midori will stop. We cannot have that. Now where is Mary Sue at? Gamma Phi Beta is going have an old-fashioned bloodletting.

Labels: college, inner-monologue, stupidity

"I'm sure his heart is in the right place, but stunt men usually put on flame-retardant suits."

Labels: quote of the day, stupidity

"I had been drinking a little bit that night. And they pretty much wanted to try it, like kids always do."

Labels: drinking, quote of the day, stupidity

My friend Tyler likes David Blaine. That makes my friend Tyler stupid. This is all you need to know about David Blaine: he is a poor man's Harry Houdini. Tomorrow, Blaine will begin 44-day stint of isolation without food, suspended over the Thames River in a clear plastic box. Thankfully, the Guinness Book of World Records will not recognize the stunt.

I hate magicians and endurance artists. They are attention whores that remind me of a pathetic kid I grew up with who always had the coolest toys and nobody to play with. I would go over to his house, endure his incessant whining, play some Nintendo, eat scrumptious snack food that his mom made and then peddle my Huffy home. That kid is now in jail for dealing drugs. Little FYI.

Labels: a-town, childhood, pop culture, stupidity, tyler

Nothing helps smooth over a history of genocide and brutality like a theme park with mylar balloons and anthropomorphic animal characters. Cambodia in the mid 1970s was a scary place.

Labels: history, mass murder, politics, stupidity

On my way back to office during lunch today I saw something so utterly ridiculous I am still in shock. While waiting at a traffic light, I pull behind a Dodge Neon. A sticker is placed squarely in the back window that reads "Brakes Are For Pussies." Easy Johnny Nitrous Oxide, you would be lucky if an old lady with a walker did not beat you up a hill in that high-performance fluorescent blue bucket of four cylinder shit that you call an automobile.

Labels: data slaughterhouse, stupidity

A tongue piercing becomes a lightning conductor. Still, I guess it is cool to jam a metal rod in your mouth that makes you drool when you talk and is otherwise only noticeable when said tongue piercing is licking on my balls.

Labels: science, sex, stupidity

For the past five years a very bored man has been constructing the biggest rubber band ball in the world. This week he watched as his life's work plummeted to its demise in the Mojave Desert. He had hoped that dropping the biggest rubber band ball in the world out of a plane would cause it to bounce when it hit the ground. Unfortunately, nobody explained to Captain Lou Albano the law of inertia or society's need for him to tandem jump with said rubber band ball.

Labels: science, stupidity

If this new PETA ad campaign is indicative of its views, then they have successfully alienated every normal vegetarian not wanting to be associated with an organization that compares the plight of cows and chickens to the atrocities committed in World War II concentration camps. For the last time PETA; fire your marketing and creative directors and get some common sense. Cows are not people, they are baseball mitts.

Labels: food, history, politics, stupidity

Contemporary society is coddling children too much. Aside from eliminating the negative connotations of red ink, some Tennessee schools are now adopting a 0-50 policy. This means that the lowest possible grade a student can receive is 50 percent instead of zero. The process of eliminating the zero mark will benefit lazy students that do not turn in anything as they will still get 50 percent. At an early age kids will begin to learn that even the most minimal of efforts will be rewarded. Should we give them their union cards now?

Labels: education, stupidity

Red ink is being banned in primary British schools because, "The red pen has negative connotations and can be seen as a negative approach to improving pupils' work." Since writing negative remarks in a different colored ink would invoke the same connotations as the red pen, maybe these sensitive little pricks should get gold stars and cookies when they do well and smiley faces when they do poorly. Under this system, the line between right and wrong will be blurred enough so the only thing kids will learn is that it is socially acceptable to be stupid because it makes people smile.

Labels: education, stupidity

Adrenaline junkies looking for a rush are making pilgrimages to the Bolivia's Yungas Road (commonly referred to as the Highway of Death). I understand the draw of adrenaline sports to a certain degree, but riding your mountain bike down a narrow passageway locals call el Camino de la Muerte seems pretty fucking stupid. I would rank it up there with bathing in chum and then swimming in shark infested waters, dropping racial epitaphs amongst a group of liquored up black guys playing craps on a street corner and sticking a fork into a light socket.

Labels: death, sports, stupidity

My neighbor moved in less than one week ago. I attempted to say hello to him and he ignored my friendly platitudes. In the early hours of this very morning, I decided my neighbor is stupid and I hate him. Around midnight, I had just finished watching American Pimp on HBO when I remembered it was trash day. I walked down the stairs and into my garage to put the trash cans out and I was smacked around like a trailer park wife with the pungent aroma of gasoline. My first thought was my car was leaking gas, so I checked underneath it. Nothing. I concluded that my neighbor was huffing gas in his garage like some middle school kids in a deserted park. I did not think too much of it so I shut my garage and proceeded upstairs to bed. Within minutes the smell of gasoline was everywhere and strong enough to make me nauseous. In a rational and calm manner I proceeded to yell obscenities out the window. I noticed emergency lights outside on the street and next to his customized, rusted Ford Bronco a team of police and firemen were circled around it. Apparently, MacGyver ruptured his gas tank with a screwdriver trying to change his oil in his garage and instead of finding a bucket or some empty liquid holding device to catch the falling fuel, he let the gas pour out all over his garage, started the vehicle quickly and drove it across the street leaking gas the entire way. He parked next to the gutter and let the gas leak into it the sewer and then walked back to inside and went to bed. In the end, he received a ticket, his piece of shit Bronco was towed away and my town home was awash in gasoline fumes until about 6:30 this morning. The stupid fucking bastard. I hope he trips on his front steps and the fall renders him immobile so I can walk by and kick him in the face until he dies.

Labels: l-i-v-i-n, rage, stupidity, the fairways

There are many ways to kill oneself in a quick, painless manner and this is not one of them. On my list of ways to kill myself, jumping into a pit of crocodiles ranks somewhere between smashing my face in with a brick and sticking my penis into a jet engine. Chug a bottle of sleeping pills. Drink yourself into a coma. Put your head in front of a shotgun, pull the trigger and splatter your head all over the wall behind you. Jump off of a goddamn building. Hang yourself. Do anything other than throwing yourself into a pit of hungry crocodiles.

Labels: death, stupidity, suicide