My response to the well-compiled Tomato Nation 25 and Over list:

1. Remember to write thank-you notes. The written word is a lost art and most youngsters under age 25 think texting 'THX PLAYA' does the trick. Taking the time to send off a stamped, hand-written note (especially after a job interview) shows that you are considerate and not a serial killer.
2. Do not invite yourself to stay with friends when you travel anymore. Being as I have a deep aversion to inconvenience (both for myself and those around me), this has never been a problem for me. I would much rather crash at a hotel even if family/friends are close by.
3. Do not expect friends to help you move anymore. I only expect my friends to help me move things if they stayed at my house due to a bout of excessive drinking the night before. Asking someone to help you move a roll-top desk with a crippling hangover should not be an issue if said someone yacked in your sink twelve hours earlier.
4. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings. I pride myself on assessing my surroundings and acting accordingly. Alcohol often kills this one for me.
   
5. Be on time. I generally show up on time to most events. If I am late to anything longer than thirty minutes, I will blame my infant child who cannot speak.
6. Have enough money. Nothing pisses me off more than somebody who never brings money out in card or cash from. You did not leave your wallet at home. You are just a cheap bastard.
   
7. Know how to calculate the tip. It is not difficult to multiply the bill by two to get the 20% tip equivalent. If you do not have the mental capacity to calculate a tip without the aid of a calculator or cell phone, eating out is probably the least of your worries.
8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional. Depends on what the dream is about and what your intentions are by sharing said dream. A sex dream with the intention of getting yourself laid? Absolutely. Murdering all you co-workers with a machine gun during a casual Friday with the intention of getting a raise? Probably not.
   
9. Learn to walk in heels. Only applies to me if I patronize an East German sex club.
10. Have at least one good dress-up outfit. Before the wife cleaned me up, taught me how to dress and expanded my wardrobe, I owned only one suit at the behest of my mother. It was my all-purpose suit that saw many weddings, funerals and job interviews. I could sometimes tell the last time I wore it by reaching in the inner-coat pocket and finding an old event program.
11. Do as invitations ask you. I am usually not formally invited to anything and if I am the wife handles all the RSVP-ing and gifting. It is better this way.
    
12. Know how. Sadly I think most people 25 and under grew up with every convenience afforded to them and would perish in the wilderness after being given a knife and a water source. Problem solving is lost on a generation that did not have to solve any problems because their parents were afraid if they failed it would crush there delicate sensibilities. I like to think I know enough about enough to be dangerous.
    
13. Don't use your friends. This should be on an age 5 and over list. You should never use your friends unless they have an awesome surround-sound system.
    
14. Have something to talk about besides college or your job. As the many people in my life can attest, I have plenty to talk about besides college and my job.
15. Give and receive favors graciously. As my Dad said while scolding me after an excessive sports celebration in my youth, "Act like you have been there before."
16. Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It depends on how good the scotch is.
17. Have a real trash receptacle, real Kleenex, and, if you smoke, a real ashtray. Toilet paper serves multiple purposes (in my opinion); nose blowing and ass-wiping. If you smoke? You will be dead before me. That and you should properly dispose of your butts. My yard is not that place.
    
18. Universal quiet hours do in fact apply to you. Working from home I keep weird hours and I keep the volume down during the quiet hours without even realizing it.
19. Take care of yourself. Workout a few times. Take a shower every other day. Do not eat Taco Bell three times a week. Repeat.
20. Rudeness is not a signifier of your importance. It is when you are from California.
    

Labels: career, dad, drinking, family, gluttony, sex, stupidity, wife

Me: Go suck a bag of dicks. One by one. In order of smallest to largest.
Candee: So as I get tired of sucking dicks, the dicks keep getting bigger and bigger making it even more gay and more painful? Is the last one in that bag a real choker? Like Mike Tyson's dick?
Me: Well, if it were Mike Tyson's dick it would rape you and then beat your head in before you sucked it. I was thinking more along the lines of John Holmes's dick. It is enormous and then gives you AIDS when it is all over. Because that is what you get for sucking a bag of dicks.
Candee: Nice.

Labels: candee, gay, im convos, pop culture, sex

Winning the lottery is sometimes the worst thing to happen to people. Take Kiddie Touchin' McGee, for example. Despite claims he will donate a portion of his winnings to assorted sexual abuse charities, people are still beating him down with lead pipes and cola bottles. That is what I call some sound mob justice. Rotten.com has an excellent page on people whose lives were destroyed by winning the lottery and provides a guide on what to do if one were to win the lottery. The first rule about winning the lottery is you do not talk about winning the lottery.

Labels: crime, pop culture, sex

About a month and half ago, the wife decided to get off birth control to, "See what happens?" Three weeks later, the wife excitedly woke me up by waving a positive pregnancy test in my face. My immediate response was, "Did you just pee on that?" I spent the rest of the day like I think most men do upon finding out their woman is with child; praising my sperm and a youth spent rubbering up and then planning all the chores my child will perform once it is potty-trained. For the past few weeks I have been running the gamut of emotions; happiness, excitement and the crippling fear that I will soon be responsible for another human life. Later today we have our first doctor's appointment where a man twice my age will familiarize himself with my wife's lady parts while I watch helplessly. Operation Baby Thunder and nine months of a personal designated driver has officially begun!

Labels: babies, health, l-i-v-i-n, pregnancy, sex, vajayjay, wife

A response to the five things I supposedly do not know about my penis:

1. My dick does not make chicks fat. While I make no argument that nature gave women the raw deal with the subsequent carrying and birthing of children (and "fucking with their metabolism") I am certain that my dick was not the catalyst for your weight gain. Perhaps its the fact that your children (the ones you probably nagged your husband for because your biological clock was in overdrive) keep you too busy to work out for five hours in a week. Or maybe its because you have not adjusted your diet and are eating like you are still pregnant. Or maybe its because when women get older their metabolism naturally slows down. Or maybe you are just lazy and in need of an excuse for looking like a whale.
   
2. It does smells bad when it is not clean. Going down on a guy after he played in a pick-up basketball game and his cash and prizes were a tad gamey, eh? I am really sorry about that. I am guessing it is akin to going down on a woman two days after she is off her period. I mean, you could have stopped sucking it, right? Maybe asked him to take a shower? But no, you just kept going at it. Thanks for confirming that you are, indeed, a dirty cocksucker.
3. It does want to go in your butt without permission. First and foremost, my penis is not a gentleman. He is a scandalous, immoral, evil piece of shit that is usually the root of my problems. While I do not always agree with those decisions (read: my ex-girlfriend), we tend to compromise and present a unified front. I am with him on this one. We are not going to ask for sodomy approval because the answer is invariably going to be no (unless you drank enough wine). Most women outside of pornography do not ask for anal sex, so it is always better for me (and my penis) to ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
4. It does not mind a helping hand. Within reason. As an owner of a penis for over thirty years, I can assure you I have learned how to handle my junk. I also learned to steer clear of greedy bitches like you who cannot go one minute in or out of the bedroom without wanting to be pleased. While rubbing your moose knuckle is a good move (and one which I am glad to perform), it is also only doable from a few positions (none of which I am guessing you are into). So instead of complaining about it, maybe you should acknowledge the fact that you are clitoral rather than vaginal with your orgasms and ask for stimulation before or (gasp!) after I release the hounds.
5. It does stay hard with a condom on, but it sucks. I will wear a viking hat and a wet suit if it means I am getting in there, but condoms kill all sensation (try making out with someone while wearing a trash bag over your head to get an idea). Still, I have common sense. I would definitely not de-rubber with a self-proclaimed dick professional such as yourself.

P.S. Peen? Really? Are you writing in your girlfriend's junior high yearbook or something?

Labels: rage, sex

• The New York Jet's D Concourse becomes Mardi Gras at halftime. I am actually surprised this does not happen during the entire game being as New Jersey tunnel trash lifting up their shirts seems far more interesting than watching Kellen Clemens play quarterback. It is sad when the best thing that happened to your professional sports franchise in the past decade was this.
• Vintage photography of a 60s era sex party (NSFW).
• Obesity trends in the USA from 1985-2006. Good to see Colorado representing the low end of the scale along with Massachusetts and Connecticut. Do us all a favor West Virginia and Mississippi; put down the cupcakes and go for a bike ride or something.

Labels: gluttony, link goodness, sex, sports, tomfoolery

Articles like this almost make me miss my free collegiate education at the local Jesuit University dating repressed Catholic girls. Tackling the taboo topic of sex! On a college campus! Totally edgy. The article and accompanying sketches of women in "slut" panties and taking it from behind offended clergy and staff alike. I can guarantee this incident made Jesus cry. Not walking the hillside with his disciples, turning water into wine, happy go lucky Jesus, either. I am talking about tortured, crucified, crown of thorns, sword in his side Jesus. Way to go you fat, insensitive, under-sexed bitches. You made Jesus cry because you cannot stop shoveling cake into your face and think it is still a sin to use a vibrator.

Labels: religion, sex

A stripper's secret for success is dropping eggs. I know it turns me on when a single mother with no other skills other than her amazing rack is supporting herself and children is ovulating. I can totally sense it, too. When Destiny is most fertile I am prepared to rip off additional ones from my wad of twenty to illustrate this point. On the flip side, a stripper who is menstruating makes an average of $40 less per night. I can sense that in a dancing lady, as well. My powers of scent are that honed. I can pick up a stripper's crotch musk while she is riding the crimson wave in a room full of cigarette and cigar smoke, bourbon and Drakkar Noir. Or maybe I just caught the string of an errant feminine product hanging out the side of her panties.

Labels: sex, strippers

Jake: Amber marries Amber Doll.
Me: That doll looks a million times better than she does.
Jake: Ha!
Me: I would probably take a run at that doll but be creeped out the entire time while doing so. Then again, that describes sex with my ex-girlfriend so I might be able to handle it.
Jake: I have a feeling I would get in the middle of it and be like, "This is weird." It would be like jerking off in the shower and realizing halfway through that it is not going anywhere. Sure you keep at it for a while, but eventually your arm just wears out.
Me: No way. Once I am in that doll, I am committed. It is a lot like sex with the dead or bestiality; once you crossed the the penetration threshold, all bets are off. You do not just pull out and acknowledge weirdness in the middle of it. You have to finish and than punch the doll in the throat for judging you afterwards.

Labels: im convos, jake, perversion, sex

• The sex trade is booming in post-Katrina New Orleans.
• Face tattoos are the mark of the unstable, drug addicts, idiots or criminals that have nothing good to offer society. I present you Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
• Patricia Arquette spilling out of her dress.
• Wikipedia for the Battle of the Trebia, the first major battle of the Second Punic War.
• A teacher who worked in the public school system for two decades after she was caught kissing and groping a 13 year-old student at an middle school dance, became pregnant by a sophomore in high school who she married upon his graduation in 1985 and invited her teenage son's 15 year-old friend to move in with her and then seduced him.
• Map of US Fatalities in Iraq (by home of record) as of October 2006.

Labels: america, crime, history, link goodness, sex, tattoos, unemployment, war

Me: Then there are these fucking guys.
Jake: I like how you lead into that.
Me: (bows).
Jake: Dude thought the obituary picture was cute? Never mind that she died in a motorcycle crash.
Me: Yeah. She's dead, fellas. How about you try to tap the living, first?
Jake: Well, I would rather they try this than rape Tommy's little sister.
Me: I would rather them not rape anybody, dead or alive. I do like how they bought condoms. That was thoughtful.
Jake: Yes. You don't want to catch maggots.
Me: Or get the corpse pregnant. What were the other dudes going to do while their boy got his Ted Bundy on?
Jake: See if he liked it and then take a poke if it was any good?
Me: Yeesh. There are sloppy seconds and than there are sloppy seconds with a dead body. That is the lowest rung on the sexual deviance ladder. While we're on the topic, I'm thinking they should have bought some lube with those condoms, too.
Jake: Totally.
Me: You know, a guy I play hockey with kind of looks like one of those dudes. His name is Dave. He probably has sex with the dead, too.
Jake: Nice.

Labels: im convos, jake, perversion, sex, stupidity

A superb article about Transgendered prison bitches. Quoth one bitch:

I should not have to prostitute myself to remain safe.

I have luckily never been locked up before, but it seems to me that you are either predator or prey in the clink. So if you are a Transgendered, kiddy-touching she-male, you best serve your ass up to the baddest motherfucker in that place if you harbor any notions of self-preservation.

Labels: perversion, prison, sex

Adult film star Savanna Samson has some critically acclaimed hooch. Her wine making business is the result of wanting to do something that her parents could be proud of because filmed double penetration and homo-erotic baby oil massages was not enough.

Labels: porn, sex, wine

• When hitting skins in the garage be sure to turn the car off.
• A criminal considered too psychotic for execution. Are you kidding me? Jackballs goes on a rampage, kills a baker's dozen and we are respecting his inability to rationally comprehend the death sentence? Throw a peach cobbler in the gas chamber, tell him it is a magic room that is protected by Jesus, slam the door and have him rationally comprehend his lungs ingesting noxious fumes until they fail.
• Jessica Alba should be getting sued for harboring the delusion that she has anything more to offer this world than her fun bags.
  
• I do not know if I can wait a decade for this.

Labels: boobs, crime, link goodness, pop culture, sex

Twenty-five strippers and their respective mug shots. These dancing ladies of the evening were busted for all manner of illegal activities including cocaine peddling, prostitution, lewdness, exposure of sexual organs and the improper solicitation of alcohol sales. I respect the attitude of dancer number three, I appreciate the lifeless cocaine-addled eyes on dancers number six and fifteen and I am certain dancer number twenty one is smuggling plums. After browsing through this gallery, I think I would pay most of these women to keep their clothes on rather than take them off.

Labels: crime, drugs, liquor, sex, strippers

Ass-vertising equals marketing genius (see the idea in practice here and here). I will admit and make no apologies for my shallow objectification of the female form, but you cannot tell me that hot girls, short skirts and taut asses will not sell some goddamn film.

Labels: sex, tomfoolery

13% of an Ohio high school's student body is heavy with child. The other 87% are waiting for their turn.

Labels: education, sex

• Carrot Top is shredded. Regardless if he is cut out of wood or not, he is still a closeted homosexual. He is wearing scary man mascara, for the love of baby Jesus.
• An Australian model could face a maximum of 15 years in an Indonesian prison for being caught with ecstasy. Based on her picture, I would pay to see her in an Indonesian prison reality show. The program may only air for two hourlong episodes but it would be the best thing to happen to television since the moon landing.
• After overhearing a conversation in the company break room, I thought a filmmaker had finally captured my dream on celluloid: a menage-a-trois sex scene involving bacon. I was disappointed upon learning that it was a menage-a-trois sex scene involving Kevin Bacon and another man. One dick in the room is one dick too many.

Labels: bacon, crime, drugs, gay, link goodness, pop culture, sex

Insane? No. Mentally ill and making a fourteen year-old boy the undisputed king of his middle school? Yes.

Labels: education, perversion, sex

• An image bank of celebrities playing table tennis. My personal favorite is Mr. Ed wielding the paddle.
• It is raining men. Hallelujah.
  
• If you gave someone crabs and need to let them know send an eCard. There is nothing like getting notified via email that you have gonorrhea. My favorite feature is the ability to send one card to multiple addresses (a.k.a. the "slut blast"). I am tempted to send an email to my entire contact list informing them that I gave them herpes and signing it Ron Mexico.

Labels: death, link goodness, pop culture, sex

• The bungee fuck swing.
• McSweeneys: Christmas Day with my new girlfriend's family as a circa-1982 text-based computer adventure game.
• Car loving taken to another level.

Labels: link goodness, sex, tomfoolery

Sexual repression is alive and well in our nations schools. Rather than implement a zero tolerance policy against dry humping, I say to implement one against stupidity.

Labels: education, sex

• Architectural projects for the Soviet Union (circa 1930-1950) that were never realized. My personal favorites: The Palace of Soviets and The Aeroflot Building.
• Carmen Electra's Advanced Aerobic Striptease.
  
• The ten biggest threats to Earth and life as we know it. I am hoping humanity does not get wiped out by a viral pandemic (too boring) or terrorists (too cliche). If anything, I am pulling for a super volcano to rain down ash and fire on us or for hyper-intelligent robots to turn our planet into a goddamn apocalyptic nuclear wasteland like in The Terminator.
• The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine: Installment Four.

Labels: death, hockey, link goodness, pop culture, science, sex, sports

I like the way Michael Vick plays NFL football with the running and the throwing and the eluding of pass rushers the size of Mack trucks. I also like the way Michael Vick, er, Ron Mexico, gives the ladies herpes.

Labels: pop culture, sex, sports

The six homosexual penguins showed no interest in their new female companions and remained faithful to each other. The zoo will now fly in fundamentalist Christian penguins to get the sexually deviant male penguins to repent, reproduce, and then live in an emotionally distant and sexless marriage with their female companions while engaging in some hot gay action on the side.

Labels: gay, science, sex

Assault, battery and an uncomfortable sexual situation that arose from a wife swapping proposal. It is just like an episode of Taxicab Confessions.

Labels: fighting, sex, tomfoolery

If Americans do not have the right to insert three headed, fourteen inch dildos covered with sixty grit sandpaper into their rectums in the privacy of their own homes anymore, then what in the hell are we fighting in Iraq for? Oh, right. Oil.

Labels: politics, sex, war

With the 2004 Olympic Summer Games forthcoming in Athens, athletes from all over the world are training their bodies, preparing mentally for competition and waiting in anticipation for the drunken fuck fest that is the Olympic village.

Labels: sex, sports

Life expectancy is dropping in Africa thanks to the AIDS. In Zambia, 17% of the population has the virus and a child born between 2000 and 2005 can expect to live just 32.4 years. Damn. We need some altruistic condom company to bring relief via free prophylactics. The time is nigh to rubber up on the Dark Continent.

Labels: death, disease, sex

This morning I am awash in the inappropriate sexual habits of a slut teacher. I never had a hot teacher educate me nor did I ever want to have sex with or envision any sexual situations with the old hosebags that taught me. The closest I ever came to a having a hot teacher was my high school Sociology instructor. She (who will remain nameless lest some vagabond I graduated with feels the need to post it under my comments section) had a tremendous rack but a disturbing case of thinning hair. We all theorized that she was smoking when she was younger and attempted to envision her that way instead of the wrinkled, dried up husk of menopause that she really was.

Labels: a-town, pop culture, sex, slut teacher

CH just emailed me this link with the message "My wife thought this was funny." I will tell you what is funny, CH; girls who wear Colorado State thong panties.

Labels: ch, colorado, sex

What is it going to take for you to go away? Do you not realize that you have no talents other than being an STD dumpster? I know you are the heiress to the Hilton hotel fortune and all, but there are plenty of other wealthy American industrialist trust fund children out there that we know nothing about and care to know nothing about. Lets think this through, shall we? If you continue through life with your current popularity rating (taking into account you will not overdose on coke or die from starvation by age forty) you will become addicted to plastic surgery after your youthful glow disappears and your skin starts looking like an old catcher's mitt from years spent in tanning beds, you will suck down vodka and pills for breakfast and give weekly interviews to Diane Sawyer and People magazine discussing your heroic struggles with an eating disorder and substance abuse. Do we really need that from you, Paris Hilton? Blubbering confessions in tabloid media from an aging barfly with the propensity to shoot a night vision sex video when stoned to the gills? Talk about a fucking nightmare.

Labels: drugs, pop culture, sex

Me: "Damn though mans I'm just tryin' do me. If the record's two mill' I'm just tryin' move three. Get a couple of chicks, get 'em to try to do E. Hopefully they'll menage before I reach my garage."
Monica: God bless the Jay-Z. I love him. I would be all sick ass groupie for him. Would you be a male whore/groupie for any band or singer?
Me: Gwen Stefani. The Go-Gos circa 1982. The Bangles circa 1986.
Monica: Susanna Hoffs was a sweet piece of ass.
Me: You (besides Jay-Z)?
Monica: Lenny Kravitz. Robert Plant circa 1978. Henry Rollins circa 1986.
Me: I had a thing for that one Heart sister back in the day. Not the cow but the one that played the Axe.
Monica: Nancy.
Me: That blond curly hair, running around in lingerie and busting out some riffs on "What About Love."
Monica: Marvin Gaye. That would have been interesting.
Me: Even more interesting: Barry White.
Monica: Not Barry White. He is a whale.
Me: Speaking of interesting, how about Janice Joplin? Ugly as sin and chasing the dragon. I would have just yelled at her until she serenaded me with some "Bobby McGee."
Monica: Ha! Jimi Hendrix. You know he would have clogged a girl up something fierce...
Me: Er...?
Monica: ...with drugs, not sperm.
Me: Whew. Thanks for clarifying. I would have tagged all of Bananarama.
Monica: I do not even remember them.
Me: Sure you do: "Leaving me here on my own, its a cruel. Cruel summ-aaaah." Not summer, mind you, but summ-aaaah.
Monica: You complete me.
Me: Right back atcha, fruitcake.

Labels: im convos, mons, music, sex

"I don't know nothing about God; but I'll take your word for it."

Labels: drugs, quote of the day, religion, sex

A tongue piercing becomes a lightning conductor. Still, I guess it is cool to jam a metal rod in your mouth that makes you drool when you talk and is otherwise only noticeable when said tongue piercing is licking on my balls.

Labels: science, sex, stupidity

All is well in the Big Easy on the HOW Design Conference tip. Last night's voodoo and haunted tours were a minor disappointment. The scariest moment of the evening was being witness to a homosexual couple performing boisterous fellatio acts on each other atop a parked car on a crowded street in the French Quarter. I lost a $20 bill somewhere near Jackson Square and proceeded to drink whiskey the rest of the night. The conference thus far has been phenomenal. There is a palpable creative energy with excellent speakers like James Victore and Genevieve Gorder. This environment has not only gotten me excited about design again but has yielded two crippling hangovers.

Labels: career, data slaughterhouse, how design, sex, travels

A pervert electrocutes himself with a homemade masturbation device. The device he called the 'Orgasmatron' included a vibrating mat, massage pads and electrodes that attached to the genitals. I do not understand men that use elaborate methods to release the poisons. To the men reading this that harbor grandiose masturbatory plans, I urge you to follow this simple, three-step process:

1. Acquire lubricant (optional).
2. Acquire tissue, toilet paper, used sweat sock or other preferred "clean up" method.
3. Obtain access to pornography via the internet, television or in printed form. If access to to pornography is unavailable, try the soap operas on Telemundo or reruns of Charmed.

Labels: perversion, porn, sex

I remember my sex education classes in high school and they were nothing like this. Instead of promoting positive sexual attitudes, my health class obliterated any beauty associated with the act (especially when your partner swallows) and instead showed horrific filmstrips of genitalia decimated by sexually transmitted diseases.

Labels: education, sex

At my high school we did not need slut teacher aides that molested male students. We had plenty of easy girls that would have sex with you if you gave them a bottle of Boones Farm Wine and a joint. That was the deal closer. Take my junior year Pom-Pom squad for example. Three girls got knocked up in a span of six months. Two were sisters, ages 18 and 16, and they got pregnant within two months of each other. I think their mother committed suicide. Even though my high school was chocked full of depraved chemically dependent sex fiends (myself included), I do not think any of us were caught doing this.

Labels: drinking, drugs, nostalgia, sex