Moses was tripping balls? That explains the whole wandering in the desert, Egyptian army is chasing us, parting the Red Sea, Burning Bush, Mount Sinai/Ten Commandments and Golden Calf business. That right there describes a fairly strong yet garden variety acid trip. Granted, the Exodus story is not as twisted and psychedelic as Fantasia what with the dancing elephants and hippos, but it definitely ranks up there.

Labels: drugs, religion

Articles like this almost make me miss my free collegiate education at the local Jesuit University dating repressed Catholic girls. Tackling the taboo topic of sex! On a college campus! Totally edgy. The article and accompanying sketches of women in "slut" panties and taking it from behind offended clergy and staff alike. I can guarantee this incident made Jesus cry. Not walking the hillside with his disciples, turning water into wine, happy go lucky Jesus, either. I am talking about tortured, crucified, crown of thorns, sword in his side Jesus. Way to go you fat, insensitive, under-sexed bitches. You made Jesus cry because you cannot stop shoveling cake into your face and think it is still a sin to use a vibrator.

Labels: religion, sex

• Subversive Easter uses for the over-sugared marshmallow confection commonly known as Peeps: The crucifixion and coverings for your naughty bits.
• Mall Easter Bunny throws a rabbit punch.
• A map of the United States that breaks down religion by state and county. Individual religious maps can be viewed here.

Labels: easter, link goodness, religion, tomfoolery

• Eunuch tales. Nothing wakes you up on a Monday morning like the visualization of getting your coin purse lopped off with a Burdizzo.
• Impoverished children in Pakistan ride a ferris wheel made of trash.
  
• How Awesome Will It Be? Pretty fucking awesome, Susie! Unless a demon feasts on your entrails before Jesus makes it down for his second tour that is.

Labels: link goodness, poverty, religion

Isaac Hayes apparently got jerked around by Scientology regarding the South Park incident. Scientology is difficult for me to comprehend on many levels because I have a firm grasp on reality and generally do not like my spiritual beliefs to read like a bad Fantastic Four comic*. From the Wiki entry on Scientology:

The story of Xenu, the galactic tyrant who first kidnapped certain individuals who were deemed "excess population" and loaded these individuals into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). These space planes were said to have been copies of Douglas DC-8s, except with rocket engines. He then stacked hundreds of billions of these frozen victims around Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days, telling them lies of what they are and what the universe should be like and telling them that they are 3 different things: 'Jesus, God, and The Devil.' The traumatized thetans subsequently clustered around human bodies because they watched the motion picture together, making them think they are all the same thing, in effect acting as invisible spiritual parasites known as "body thetans" that can only be removed using advanced Scientology techniques. Xenu is allegedly imprisoned in a mountain by a force field powered by an eternal battery. He is said to be still alive today.

I do not think I ever dated a girl crazier than that blurb and that is saying a lot.

* In college I was given the assignment to compare God with a fictional character that I believed most closely represented my view of a higher power. Most students compared the almighty to Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny whereas I chose the Fantastic Four character Galactus. I concluded the paper by stating Galactus was the best example of a deity because he ate planets to sustain his existence having no regard for the existence of the planet's inhabitants and claimed he was above insignificant creatures morals and religions. If memory serves me correctly, I recall getting a B.

Labels: comics, pop culture, religion

If you need a reason not to sleep with your sister, click here.

Labels: mormons, perversion, religion

After my discussion with Jake and much deliberation, I decided this would be the mix tape I would create for the Son of God:

1. Jesus Built My Hotrod - Ministry
2. So Fresh, So Clean - Outkast
3. Down On My Knees - The Crucifucks
4. The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
5. Kill The Poor - Dead Kennedys
6. Holy Diver - Dio
7. When I Get To Heaven - Ice Cube
8. Killing in the Name Of - Rage Against the Machine
9. Sister Christian - Night Ranger
10. Sympathy For The Devil - Rolling Stones
11. If You Love Someone Set Them On Fire - Dead Milkmen
12. Epiphany - Bad Religion
13. Something To Believe In - Poison

I know Jesus was a subversive hippy and would probably enjoy some Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic and Cat Stevens, but that is not the point. The purpose of the mix tape is not just to throw on a bunch of music that the recipient likes and is familiar with. Making a mix tape for someone is the ultimate truth; it strips down all the walls society builds up around human relationships and then rebuilds them through the majesty of song. That, and if you give a mix tape to girl hopefully it will get you laid.

Labels: jake, music, pop culture, religion, tomfoolery

Biblical scholars have found ancient texts that claim the number of the beast is 616 instead of 666. Wikipedia has already made mention of this finding. They are all over new information like a priest on an altar boy.

Labels: religion

A new pope, Benedict XVI, has been chosen. In the Vatican, the former cardinal has been the driving force behind crackdowns on liberation theology, religious pluralism and challenges to traditional moral teachings on homosexuality and women's ordination. In short, the Church of Rome has just elected a right wing, stubborn old man who will probably yell at kids playing soccer in St. Peter's Square and feed pigeons breadcrumbs laced with rat poison in order to "shut them up." Pope Benedict XVI is exactly what the Catholic Church needs right now; a hard-line, unwavering traditionalist who will protect pedophile priests, maintain the misogynistic status quo in Catholicism and continue to condemn homosexuality and birth control. Benedict XVI also bears the distinct honor of being the only pontiff in history who was once a Hitler Youth.

Historic Papal Fun: Curious as to why popes chose new names for themselves during their Pontificate, I ran a "pope" throug Wikipedia. Not only did I learn about the naming process*, I boned up on sexually active popes, Antipopes, African popes and a period of Papal history known as Pornocracy, or Rule of the Harlots. Good times.

* Starting in 535 AD, the Pope has customarily chosen a new name for himself during his Pontificate. The names are not based on any system other than general honorifics and have been based on immediate predecessors, mentors and political similarity.

Labels: history, religion

The pontiff is no more. Rumor has it the next pope may be Latin American. Me? I am pulling for a Jew. Rest in peace, JP the Deuce. We hardly knew ye.

Labels: death, religion

Make bacon frying a more spiritual experience.

Labels: bacon, religion, tomfoolery

The devil may be in the details but Jesus is in the X-Rays.

Labels: religion, tomfoolery

Once before on this site, I directed my rage at Jehovah's Witnesses. The reasons for my anger were threefold:

1. They cruise my town home complex with complete lack of respect for the no-solicitation ordinance.
2. They ring my doorbell early on Saturday mornings.
3. They bring their Jesus shit to my front door, inches away from where I eat, fuck, sleep and shit.

While the methods of Jehovah's Witnesses piss me off, I still love me some Prince. If he appeared on my doorstep, I would invite his little ass inside and tell him to hurry up with the Son of God rap and ask him to sing Purple Rain for me and my sort of lady.

Labels: pop culture, religion, the fairways, wife

I have a problem with Jehovah's Witnesses. It stems from the fact that they like to pound on my door early on Saturday mornings. One particular Saturday these Restorationist pricks came a-knocking. I awoke from deep slumber, threw on a pair of boxer shorts, stumbled down the stairs and opened the door. Before me stood two brainwashed youngsters spouting off at the cake chute about Jesus. Politely I informed them of no soliciting ordinance that governs the town home complex. They responded by telling me they obey the law of God and not the law of man. I was tempted to deconstruct the entire history of human law all the way back to the Code of Hammurabi, but I was tired so I slammed the door on their Jehovah-loving faces instead. My lady lives in the same town home complex and gets the door-to-door action, pamphlets and letters. I read one of their pamphlets; it was a detailed dissertation about the evils of pornography. Jehovah's Witnesses think pornography is bad. You see what I am saying? They are completely out of touch. Unfortunately, according to this, their tribe in increasing.

Labels: porn, religion, the fairways, wife

I was drinking with an ex-coworker and her born-again Christian friend this evening (thankfully the Jesus Freak waited until the ride home to spring the "Christ Is Risen" bit on me) and the following conversation occurred in the Ghost of War on the way home from the bar:

Jesus Freak: So Matt, do you want to go to church with me in the morning?
Me: Um, no. No thanks. No.
Jesus Freak: That is alright because Jesus still loves you.
Me: So let me get this straight. If I go to church Jesus loves me and if I do not go to church Jesus will still love me?
Jesus Freak: Yes. That is correct.
Me: Sounds to me like Jesus wants me to sleep in.

Labels: drinking, ghost of war, religion, tomfoolery