Jake: The ShamWow guy sues Scientology.
Me: I am debating the purchase of ShamWows.
Jake: Ha! Check this one out. "You are gonna love my nuts."
Me: He is right, that tuna does look boring. "If I can do it with one finger, you can do it with one hand."
Jake: The guy is a genius.
Me: Indeed.
Jake: He is like a sideshow magician, throwing around some Three-Card Monte.
Me: You are getting the Slap Chop for your birthday.
Jake: Excellent.

Labels: im convos, jake, pop culture, religion, tomfoolery

DJ: Jesus in French fry format.
Me: The Son of God looks delicious!
DJ: Willy Porter does a song called "Jesus on the Grill" but he is talking about the grill of a truck...
Me: ...not a grill with a rack of ribs?
DJ: Right.
Me: Brings a whole new meaning to transubstantiation. I took a lot of communion as a young indoctrinated Catholic and if Jesus tasted like a brisket and French fries? I might not have strayed so far from the church.
DJ: "I am hungry! When is church?"
Me: Totally.
DJ: You could tell how good the barbecue was at a church by the size of the congregation.
Me: We could start the Church of the Holy Barbecue.
DJ: Or at the very least a restaurant called A Religious Experience.
Me: Where all the wait staff is dressed like Jesus during the crucifixion and instead of blood they are slathered in...
DJ: ...barbecue sauce?
Me: Yes! They slap down a pork sandwich in front of you and say, "The swine of Christ."
DJ: Ha!
Me: Oh man. I just had a really fucked up thought. Have a guy dressed up as Abraham, give him a sacrificial knife and have him bring a newborn baby out to a table. Just when he gets ready to slaughter the baby have the Mexican kitchen manager yell from the back of the restaurant (like the voice of God), "No Mas!" Then Abraham picks up the baby all nurturing and loving and says to the patrons, "Only kidding! Have some more brisket!"
DJ: Wow. You are right. That was fucked up.

Labels: dj, food, im convos, religion

Moses was tripping balls? That explains the whole wandering in the desert, Egyptian army is chasing us, parting the Red Sea, Burning Bush, Mount Sinai/Ten Commandments and Golden Calf business. That right there describes a fairly strong yet garden variety acid trip. Granted, the Exodus story is not as twisted and psychedelic as Fantasia what with the dancing elephants and hippos, but it definitely ranks up there.

Labels: drugs, pop culture, religion

Articles like this almost make me miss my free collegiate education at the local Jesuit University dating repressed Catholic girls. Tackling the taboo topic of sex! On a college campus! Totally edgy. The article and accompanying sketches of women in "slut" panties and taking it from behind offended clergy and staff alike. I can guarantee this incident made Jesus cry. Not walking the hillside with his disciples, turning water into wine, happy go lucky Jesus, either. I am talking about tortured, crucified, crown of thorns, sword in his side Jesus. Way to go you fat, insensitive, under-sexed bitches. You made Jesus cry because you cannot stop shoveling cake into your face and think it is still a sin to use a vibrator.

Labels: religion, sex

• Tobacco companies have been increasing nicotine in cigarette brands popular with high school kids and minorities for the past decade. For those power smokers out there wanting that big nicotine fix, The MB suggests you start puffing away on Marlboros, Dorals or Kools.
• Twenty things you didn't know about death.
• A confession forum for Christians addicted to porn. Good times.

Labels: death, link goodness, religion

• Subversive Easter uses for the over-sugared marshmallow confection commonly known as Peeps: The crucifixion and coverings for your naughty bits.
• Mall Easter Bunny throws a rabbit punch.
• A map of the United States that breaks down religion by state and county. Individual religious maps can be viewed here.

Labels: easter, link goodness, religion, tomfoolery

• Eunuch tales. Nothing wakes you up on a Monday morning like the visualization of getting your coin purse lopped off with a Burdizzo.
• Impoverished children in Pakistan ride a ferris wheel made of trash.
  
• How Awesome Will It Be? Pretty fucking awesome, Susie! Unless a demon feasts on your entrails before Jesus makes it down for his second tour that is.

Labels: link goodness, poverty, religion

Isaac Hayes apparently got jerked around by Scientology regarding the South Park incident. Scientology is difficult for me to comprehend on many levels because I have a firm grasp on reality and generally do not like my spiritual beliefs to read like a bad Fantastic Four comic*. From the Wiki entry on Scientology:

The story of Xenu, the galactic tyrant who first kidnapped certain individuals who were deemed "excess population" and loaded these individuals into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). These space planes were said to have been copies of Douglas DC-8s, except with rocket engines. He then stacked hundreds of billions of these frozen victims around Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days, telling them lies of what they are and what the universe should be like and telling them that they are 3 different things: 'Jesus, God, and The Devil.' The traumatized thetans subsequently clustered around human bodies because they watched the motion picture together, making them think they are all the same thing, in effect acting as invisible spiritual parasites known as "body thetans" that can only be removed using advanced Scientology techniques. Xenu is allegedly imprisoned in a mountain by a force field powered by an eternal battery. He is said to be still alive today.

I do not think I ever dated a girl crazier than that blurb and that is saying a lot.

* In college I was given the assignment to compare God with a fictional character that I believed most closely represented my view of a higher power. Most students compared the almighty to Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny whereas I chose the Fantastic Four character Galactus. I concluded the paper by stating Galactus was the best example of a deity because he ate planets to sustain his existence having no regard for the existence of the planet's inhabitants and claimed he was above insignificant creatures morals and religions. If memory serves me correctly, I recall getting a B.

Labels: comics, pop culture, religion

If you need a reason not to sleep with your sister, click here.

Labels: mormons, perversion, religion

After my discussion with Jake and much deliberation, I decided this would be the mixed tape I would create for the Son of God:

1. "Jesus Built My Hotrod" by Ministry
2. "So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast
3. "Down On My Knees" by The Crucifucks
4. "The Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash
5. "Kill The Poor" by Dead Kennedys
6. "Holy Diver" by Dio
7. "When I Get To Heaven" by Ice Cube
8. "Killing In The Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine
9. "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger
10. "Sympathy For The Devil" by Rolling Stones
11. "If You Love Someone Set Them On Fire" by Dead Milkmen
12. "Epiphany" by Bad Religion
13. "Something To Believe In" by Poison

I know Jesus was a subversive Hippy and would probably enjoy some Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic and Cat Stevens, but that is not the point. The purpose of the mixed tape is not just to throw on a bunch of music that the recipient likes and is familiar with. Making a mixed tape for someone is the ultimate truth; it strips down the walls society builds around human relationships and then rebuilds them through the majesty of song. That, and if you give a mixed tape to girl hopefully it will get you laid.

Labels: jake, music, pop culture, religion, tomfoolery

Biblical scholars have found ancient texts that claim the number of the beast is 616 instead of 666. Wikipedia has already made mention of this finding. They are all over new information like a priest on an altar boy.

Labels: religion

A new pope, Benedict XVI, has been chosen. In the Vatican, the former cardinal has been the driving force behind crackdowns on liberation theology, religious pluralism and challenges to traditional moral teachings on homosexuality and womens' ordination. In short, the Church of Rome has just elected a right wing, stubborn old man who will probably yell at kids playing soccer in St. Peter's Square and feed pigeons breadcrumbs laced with rat poison in order to "shut them up." Pope Benedict XVI is exactly what the Catholic Church needs right now; a hard-line, unwavering traditionalist who will protect pedophile priests, maintain the misogynistic status quo in Catholicism and continue to condemn homosexuality and birth control. Benedict XVI also bears the distinct honor of being the only pontiff in history who was once a Hitler Youth.

Historic Papal Fun: Curious as to why popes chose new names for themselves during their Pontificate, I ran "pope" through Wikipedia. Not only did I learn about the naming process*, I boned up on sexually active popes, Antipopes, African popes and a period of Papal history known as Pornocracy, or Rule of the Harlots. Good times.

* Starting in 535 AD, the Pope has customarily chosen a new name for himself during his Pontificate. The names are not based on any system other than general honorifics and have been based on immediate predecessors, mentors and political similarity.

Labels: history, religion

The pontiff is no more. Rumor has it the next pope may be Latin American. Me? I am pulling for a Jew. Rest in peace, JP the Deuce. We hardly knew ye.

Labels: death, religion

Make bacon frying a more spiritual experience.

Labels: bacon, religion, tomfoolery

The devil may be in the details but Jesus is in the X-Rays.

Labels: religion, tomfoolery

Religious moviegoers in Georgia were horrified to find their ticket stubs to The Passion of the Christ imprinted with the number of the beast. The manager of the theater claims it was a computer glitch and not the work of Satan.

First, in the book of Revelation the number 666 was said to refer to the Antichrist in which many modern Christians misinterpret as the coming of Lucifer to Earth in human form during Armageddon. Most biblical scholars concur that the number actually refers to the Roman emperor Nero, whose name equals the numerical value of 666 in Hebrew. Nero was quite a bastard to first century Christians and he enjoyed torturing them by crucifixion, setting them ablaze and feeding them to lions. John, the author of the book of Revelation, understood the wrath of the Emperors firsthand as he was poisoned, beaten, dipped in boiling oil and eventually exiled to the island of Patmos just for being down with the Lord. Therefore, the number of the beast does not refer to the Prince of Darkness himself but to the oppressive leaders of first century Rome.

Second, I am of the opinion that the greatest song Iron Maiden ever recorded was The Number of the Beast.

Labels: evil, history, movies, music, pop culture, religion

The Holy Trinity is now taking a more modernistic approach; the Father, the Son and the Holy Ballsack .

Labels: religion, tomfoolery

People are spiritually dead in America. I know this because idiots are seeing the likeness of the Virgin Mary in a tree stump and thinking it means something. In more New Testament related news, an actor depicting the messiah has been smote. I think Jesus is tired of being depicted as an Aryan poster child.

Labels: pop culture, religion

"I don't know nothing about God; but I'll take your word for it."

Labels: drugs, quote of the day, religion, sex

Once before on this site, I directed my rage at Jehovah's Witnesses. The reasons for my anger were threefold:

1. They cruise my town home complex with complete lack of respect for the no-solicitation ordinance.
2. They ring my doorbell early on Saturday mornings.
3. They bring their Jesus shit to my front door, inches away from where I eat, fuck, sleep and shit.

While the methods of Jehovah's Witnesses piss me off, I still love me some Prince. If he appeared on my doorstep, I would invite his little ass inside and tell him to hurry up with the Son of God rap and ask him to sing Purple Rain for me and my sort of lady.

Labels: pop culture, religion, the fairways, wife

I have a problem with Jehovah's Witnesses. It stems from the fact that they like to pound on my door early on Saturday mornings. One particular Saturday these Restorationist pricks came a-knocking. I awoke from deep slumber, threw on a pair of boxer shorts, stumbled down the stairs and opened the door. Before me stood two brainwashed youngsters spouting off at the cake chute about Jesus. Politely I informed them of no soliciting ordinance that governs the town home complex. They responded by telling me they obey the law of God and not the law of man. I was tempted to deconstruct the entire history of human law all the way back to the Code of Hammurabi, but I was tired so I slammed the door on their Jehovah-loving faces instead. My lady lives in the same town home complex and gets the door-to-door action, pamphlets and letters. I read one of their pamphlets; it was a detailed dissertation about the evils of pornography. Jehovah's Witnesses think pornography is bad. You see what I am saying? They are completely out of touch. Unfortunately, according to this, their tribe in increasing.

Labels: porn, religion, the fairways, wife

I was drinking with an ex-coworker and her born-again Christian friend this evening (thankfully the Jesus Freak waited until the ride home to spring the "Christ Is Risen" bit on me) and the following conversation occurred in the Ghost of War on the way home from the bar:

Jesus Freak: So Matt, do you want to go to church with me in the morning?
Me: Um, no. No thanks. No.
Jesus Freak: That is alright because Jesus still loves you.
Me: So let me get this straight. If I go to church Jesus loves me and if I do not go to church Jesus will still love me?
Jesus Freak: Yes. That is correct.
Me: Sounds to me like Jesus wants me to sleep in.

Labels: drinking, ghost of war, religion, tomfoolery

Jesus is always with you. Especially when you are playing the French Horn, juggling or selling insurance. Is it me or does Jesus look like a cross between Kevin Smith's loser cousin and Cro-Magnon Man in these renderings?

Labels: art, pop culture, religion, tomfoolery

Monica: God do I hate Creed. "Arms Wide Open" my ass. I would like to jam something down Scott Stapp's wide open throat.
Me: Ha! Excellent. Take your I Love My Baby/I Am Down With The Lord rock somewhere else, Scott. Like the bottom of the ocean.
Monica: Totally.
Me: Just a poor man's Stryper if you ask me.
Monica: Honestly.
Me: Well played.

Labels: im convos, mons, music, pop culture, religion

Voodoo is practiced by many in Haiti. My only experience with Voodoo is the movie The Serpent and the Rainbow, obscure Marvel Comics character Brother Voodoo and the evil Voodoo witch Miss Cleo. In order to educate myself about the religion (and perhaps subconsciously prepare for the 2003 HOW Design Conference in New Orleans), I am currently reading about West African Vodun, Haitian Vodou, Louisiana Voodoo and Candomble Jeje.

Labels: comics, history, how design, religion

I am pro-choice and support the death penalty, so I am down with killing criminals and partially developed fetuses. Many individuals that are pro-life view existence as precious and believe in a Calvinistic doctrine of predestination. Whatever our beliefs are, in this case, I think most Americans would have been handing this would be mother a coat hanger.

Labels: america, death, killing, politics, religion

Reporters for High Times Magazine are convinced that Jesus was the ultimate dope pusher of the first century. According to these baked cheeba-monkeys, Jesus and his apostles would heal the masses with an extracted form of cannabis oil. We had a guy that liked to cure the masses with narcotics at my high school. His name was Kurt. Everybody liked Kurt because he always had good drugs and was always willing to share. I am sure if Kurt said he was the Son of God, half of the student body in my graduating class would have agreed with him just to keep scoring free dope. The same situation could be true for Jesus. Picture a group of stoned apostles sitting on a boat on the Sea of Galilee, smearing cannabis oil all over themselves convinced that Jesus was walking on water. "Dude, check out Jesus. He is walking on water."

Labels: drugs, glory days, history, religion

Here is a list of things that when combined, produce a terrible result:

• Mountain Dew and tequila.
• David Duke and Al Sharpton.
• Anal sex and kerosene.
• Religious fanatics and environmental conservationists.

For the record, I think Jesus would drive a used Honda Accord. No rims and nothing all that flashy. Just something with low miles that is reliable, gets good gas mileage and gets the Son of God around town.

Labels: america, politics, pop culture, religion

Last night, in midst of an early winter storm, it took me three and a half hours to drive home from Boulder. This drive, mind you, is normally 20 minutes. Apparently, Boulder uses an environmentally friendly alternative to road salt that does nothing to ice when the temperature is below a certain level. The roads out of Boulder were like a hockey rink. During this period of time, I was a seething cauldron of anger. When I got home I wrote this. Enjoy.

The Catholic Church may provide a consequence free environment for pedophiles but it condemns tea bagging. I cannot believe kids get in so much trouble for this nowadays. In the locker room during my high school sporting career, tea bagging was nothing compared to guys pissing on you in the shower or sneaking up behind you and covering your face with a protective cup dripping in ball sweat (a.k.a. the Gas Mask).

Labels: boulder, colorado, glory days, rage, religion, sports, tomfoolery

Bacon is an amazing greasy and crispy treat that makes life worth living. I love eating bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, bacon strips and steaks wrapped in bacon. Apparently, Jesus and PETA do not want me to eat bacon. I urge PETA to quit influencing the Lord in order to make one feel guilty about their bacon consumption. PETA should eat their bean sprouts and tofu, help the asexual panda copulate, finger-bang a vegan and save the world in silence and peace. I did not get to the top of the food chain to gnaw on grass, leaves and berries. Our species has survived eons on this planet by jabbing a giant, meaty animal with a spear and eating the fuck out of it. I understand PETA's stance; they want animals to be treated with dignity and respect. Until humans start treating each other that way, however, cows are baseball mitts and pigs are lunch.

Labels: america, bacon, food, politics, religion