I am elated that the 2006 election is over. No more badly designed junk mail rife with drop-shadowed text. No more hobbits with disheveled hair telling me that Washington is controlled by special interests. No more corrupt, draft-dodging dairy farmers waxing philosophical while riding their trusted steed. Speaking of horses, it seemed that every Colorado politician was equine-heavy in their television spots this year. If not riding one, then petting one or ambling in an open meadow teeming with them. Complete the clique: throw skis and a twelve pack of Coors on the horse's back and put Red Rocks Amphitheater in the background; because Colorado horses care about Colorado values.

The election has given Democrats the majority rule in the House of Representatives, State governorships (including here in Colorado) and more than likely, the Senate. Not surprising since Republican-controlled Washington has done nothing but subvert democracy, manufacture scandal and generally cock things up since they took over in '02. I just read that Bush is now open to ideas or suggestions on Iraq from the Democrats. Here is one from an Independent voter that likes boobs: get our troops the hell out of there. It will be fun to watch the Democrats screw it up for a change. Anyone out there want to take bets on when Ann Coulter will write a book on the evil Democratic takeover?

Labels: colorado, politics

Five years ago I was merging onto the Boulder turnpike on my way into work when a news report came over the radio that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. The previous day, I was a pallbearer at my grandfather's funeral. By the time I walked into the office, both towers were toppled, the Pentagon was hit and "heroes" had taken over a flight bound for the White House and crashed it into rural Pennsylvania (another likely scenario is the plane was shot down by F-16s with cruise missiles and the hero story was disseminated to various media outlets to cover the Air Force's collective asses). My employer sent us all home shortly thereafter, as the tragedy became too overwhelming for anyone to focus on work. My parents called to check on my mental well-being and maybe just to hear a familiar voice. I spent the rest of the day as I imagine most other Americans did; dumbfounded, sad, angry, confused, emotionally drained and awash in bourbon. The months that followed the tragedy were a sickening whirlwind of paranoia, conspiracy and jingoism. The dust settled from the towers and the Bush Administration subverted democracy (or the illusion of democracy) for American's "safety." Left wing patriotic zealots clashed with right wing patriotic zealots and the brief moment of "togetherness" Americans felt was dashed away. Hatred and intolerance for Muslims boiled over. A military campaign to capture Osama Bin Laden was sent into Afghanistan and as of yet has not been successful. A war in Iraq was started under false pretenses. Those opposed to government policy were labeled "un-patriotic." Americans remain dependent on oil and the hard-line theocratic regimes that export oil. American soldiers are dying for an administration that does not seem care about them. What have Americans learned from the September 11 attacks? Difficult times reveal a leader's character or expose their character flaws? A selfish culture focused on money, possession and triviality is understandably not accepted and even hated by some? The September 11 attacks were a horrific tragedy, and no matter how many memorials we construct, how many we kill in the name of retribution and how many laws are passed "ensuring" our safety, it seems evident to me that we have not learned a goddamn thing.

Labels: 9/11, politics

If you want Whitney, you can have her. Seriously. Is that all it will take for you to call off the jihad and let us run that oil pipeline through Central Asia? We will whack up the petroleum profits with you and allow you free reign to run smack through our inner cities. Compared to meth, we do not mind the heroin so much. We would rather have our kids chasing the dragon in a tenement somewhere and performing oral sex on a balding, middle-aged accountant in an Arby's bathroom for their next fix as opposed to setting up a combustible meth lab in a middle American neighborhood where they could blow up an innocent, blue collar family scraping by on a meager salary provided by the local concrete factory. We could lure Whitney onto a plane filled with cocaine and economically deprived children. Can we send you Bobby Brown, too? He has not given us anything since Don't Be Cruel and his musical future does not look too bright with his constant illegal proclivities and all. We will not even care if you cut his head on Al Jazera as a warning to other Western infidels that you are not be fucked with. Consider it. An offer this good only comes along once in a lifetime.

Labels: open letter, politics, pop culture

There was much ado about May Day this year as millions paraded in the streets (including one Latina chick with a nice rack) and celebrated the strides of organized labor and the newly christened Day Without An Immigrant. The immigration issue is a complex one. Reform is needed. Greedy bastards that knowingly hire illegals for pennies on the dollar to cut costs should face the same consequences as those exploiting inadequate border patrols. Is kicking illegal immigrants out of the United States and sealing off the southern border the answer? No. Is opening the border and instituting a guest worker policy the answer? No. The solution lies somewhere between the two extremes. All I know for certain is this: A world without burritos is not one I care to live in.

Labels: burritos, politics

Presidential diseases and ailments. It appears Jimmy Carter had the least health problems out of the bunch, whereas William Howard Taft was a walking time bomb.

Labels: disease, politics

• Quote of the day: "You ain't the only one with a Glock."
  
• Aw, Scotty. You are making it too easy for me, man.
  
• Weather conditions from the Axis of Evil.

Labels: link goodness, politics, pop culture, sports

• Irony, party of one.
• Someone with property in the Colorado high country please help these girls out. They are looking for a place to crash over spring break holiday and appear to be responsible enough.
• This was sent to me today. Take a guess which heading(s) apply to me.

Labels: colorado, link goodness, politics

Arvada, Colorado tax dollars hard at work. Are you enjoying your fancy steak dinners on my dime, cocksuckers? Feel free to contact the AURA Board of Commissioners to discuss this matter with them directly. I also urge you to ask Mr. Urban how his daughter got the nickname "Spices" when she was in high school.

Labels: a-town, colorado, corruption, politics

• All you ever wanted to know about Trucker Bombs (with helpful imagery of assorted gallon containers brimming with piss).
• A high school baseball coach resigns after whipping out his cock and asking his players if they had one. I side with the coach on this one as his lesson would have been far less memorable without the visual aid.
• Woodward's story on how Mark Felt became Deep Throat and the reactions of various figures of Nixon's White House.

Labels: link goodness, politics, sports, tomfoolery

• May 19, 1536. The first public execution of an English queen; Anne Boleyn.
• May 19, 1890. Ho Chi Minh is born in central Vietnam.
• May 19, 1928. Pol Pot is born in French Indochina.
• May 19, 1992. Amy Fisher, age 17, shoots Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the face.
• May 19, 1994. Jackie Onassis dies of lymphatic cancer in her 15 room Manhattan apartment.

Labels: history, politics, pop culture

The United Keetoowah Band of Cherokee Indians says that Ward Churchill's (Colorado Univeristy Ethics Studies professor who compared World Trade Center victims to Nazi bureaucrat Adolf Eichmann) tribal membership is fraudulent. Is it me or does he look like Andy Warhol and Lou Reed's love child?

Labels: 9/11, colorado, politics, pop culture

The United States is locking down its southern border in attempts to eliminate the smuggling of drugs, weapons, people and bologna.

Labels: politics, tomfoolery

I am elated the 2004 election is over with. No longer will I have to bear mudslinging commercials on television, political signs (eyesores) hammered into front lawns, a mailbox stuffed full of propaganda and B-list celebrities telling me to get out and vote in between episodes of Pimp My Ride and Laguna Beach (thanks for the voting advice, Alyssa Milano. Now go fight a scary pretend warlock in a bad mask while wearing a sports bra). With John Kerry losing the election to Bush, all I have to endure now is four years of liberals whining about how Bush and his administration are fucking things up and right wing extremists telling homosexuals they cannot marry, blocking stem cell research and detaining anyone who has the handle "Mohammed." God bless America.

Labels: politics

Governor Schwarzenegger may be remembered years from now for making it illegal to have sex with the dead. Unless of course he is the antichrist, then he will be remembered for something else entirely.

Labels: perversion, politics, pop culture

Joseph Goebbels has nothing on Dick Cheney. Dick reminds me of a crazy old man in the neighborhood I grew up in who threatened to shoot any kids that stepped on his lawn for retrieving an errant ball.

Labels: a-town, childhood, politics

If Americans do not have the right to insert three headed, fourteen inch dildos covered with sixty grit sandpaper into their rectums in the privacy of their own homes anymore, then what in the hell are we fighting in Iraq for? Oh, right. Oil.

Labels: politics, sex, war

Me: Too bad Dubya didn't crack his stupid head open when he wrecked on that mountain bike. He just irritates me, is all.
Kaye: They all irritate me.
Me: Yeah.
Kaye: I am voting for Bush.
Me: I am voting for Kerry. Bush's daughters are hot, though, and they could be showing their twats to the American voter sometime soon. That could sway me.
Kaye: Ha! I could see them doing that.
Me: This is how I vote, Kaye. I weigh the important issues.
Kaye: Yes, Matt. Bush is quirky and I like that about him. I like his dumbness. It keeps me amused. I will read a story about him and shake my head. Crazy George.
Me: Yeah, but Kerry killed some people in the 'Nam, Kaye.
Kaye: True.
Me: I like Bush's wife more than Kerry's, though. She reminds me of a lonely, alcoholic Southern belle in a doomed marriage. For some reason, that makes me happy. I can just imagine how inappropriate she is when her daughters bring home some college beefcake for Thanksgiving Break. She comes stumbling into the living room blasted out of her mind with a martini in her hand, full of prescription drugs, hair all disheveled and loudly proclaims, "You boys want me to take off my shirt for money?"
Kaye: Ha! Goddamn. We are fucked up.
Me: Yes we are.

Labels: im convos, kaye, politics

The fourteen defining characteristics of Fascism according to Dr. Lawrence Britt. I would argue all but one characteristic (number 11) applies to the United States.

Labels: politics