Last night I actually watched the presidential address. It was not my fault. No decent hockey games were on, our DVR was empty and Jeopardy was not showing due to the speech. I will take "Apathetic American" for $400, Alex. Obama is a great orator. He is take your panties off smooth. I am so used to Bush tripping over words and fumbling around at the podium for the past eight years that it is refreshing. My love for Obama ends there, however. Aside from appreciating the historical context of his presidency, I think Obama is all spectacle, no substance. Case and point the public relations sweetness of giving a military-themed speech at West Point. Here is my rundown of what Obama said last night:

We are pulling out of Iraq and re-mobilizing to Afghanistan. This should excite you as I have talked with generals and advisers who told me this what we need to do. Here is an exact date of when I will bring home the troops. Yes, I think war is timed like a football game and America just entered the fourth quarter. Go Bears! Here is a comparison of me to FDR. Please ignore the irony that New Deal programs failed miserably and/or saddled future generations of Americans with the burden of contributing to programs that will go bankrupt in their lifetime (Social Security). Something about liberty. We like Muslims now. Support your troops. It is all Bush's fault.

Who needs a drink? And some Obama Jesus gear? And some Hope Is Fading Fast gear?

Labels: america, history, politics, pop culture, war

• Sarah Palin is MILF-tastic. I could care less about her politics or shitting developmentally disabled babies out of her old dried-up uterus when she has that slutty soccer mom thing working for her.
  
• Foreign policy lessons for America from the Byzantine Empire. Very Art of War with guerrilla warfare sprinkles on top. I agree with most of these points, however, the United States has the tremendous advantage of geographic isolation which the Byzantine Empire did not. This means we can wage wars on six continents with a slim a chance of the conflicts spilling over into our Motherland. So unless we drop bombs on Canada or Mexico, I am guessing Americans will flourish historically a lot longer than the Byzantines.
• The more I see of Ice-T's wife Coco, the happier with him as a person I become. Continue to Peel Their Caps Back with your cave bitch, good sir.

Labels: america, boobs, chicks, history, music, politics, pop culture, war

• Olympic gender-bending scandals.
• A history of modern art in three paragraphs. Marcel Duchamp did change art forever. As for the Dadaists being radically opposed to rational thought? That does not make them punk rock. It just makes them rebellious.
• Ted Kennedy is sleeping with Jesus. It has been a bad month for the Kennedys. I think Dennis Leary had it right: "They shot JFK, they shot RFK and when it came down to Ted they just said, 'Leave him be. He will fuck it all up on his own.'"
  

Labels: america, art, death, link goodness, politics, pop culture, sports

• Elena Basescu, daughter of Romanian president Traian Basescu, looks like an Eastern-bloc Wynne Cooper, is running for European Parliament and likes to mount fallen horses to pose for pictures.
• The saddest and happiest headstone I have ever seen.
  
• The Sears Tower is getting renamed the Willis Tower. Nice work, Sears. I can just hear my dead grandfather Broz renouncing his brand loyalty to all Craftsmen products on the other side.

Labels: chicks, family, history, link goodness, politics, pop culture, tomfoolery

As the liberal bumper stickers affixed to assorted Subaru Outback station wagons and Hybrid SUVs have reminded me ("1/19/2009! Let's pull bong hits!"), today will be George W. Bush's last day in office. Tomorrow, Barack Hussein Obama will be sworn in as the 44 president of the United States and be the first black man to attain the highest office in the land. I am/was no fan of Bush and I tend to sway right with my vote. His rule seemed reactionary rather than proactive and he and his administration ruined just about everything they came in contact with. Granted, his presidency was not as easy as Bill Clinton's (A sex scandal and the dot com bubble. Anything else?), but many of his problems were self-induced. Terrible circumstances either makes for great leaders or break weak ones. Will history be kind to George W. Bush? Probably not. I am guessing he will go down as one of the worst presidents in history (move over Warren G. Harding!) a ranking that he has undoubtedly earned. Obama inherits two wars, a flopping economy and a national identity on the brink of oblivion. Good luck, Mr.Obama. May you be the savior your supporters are touting you as. Especially since your success will help me move some of that Obama Jesus gear on Cafe Press.

Labels: america, history, politics

Americans all have their own traditions for the Thanksgiving holiday. The wife and I are usually run in the Turkey Trot pre-gluttony, but in lieu of her being with child, we are skipping this year and instead I am skating in an early morning ice hockey game at Denver University. We will then partake in two Thanksgiving meals; one at my parent's house in the afternoon and one at the wife's parents house in the evening. Sarah Palin, on the other hand, will have a quiet holiday at home, cooking a turkey for her husband and her children named after English towns. This will occur, of course, after some guy slaughters a turkey during her interview with a local television network. We are all different, yet we are all the same.

Labels: america, denver, family, health, hockey, politics, thanksgiving, wife

For the first time in American history, a black man has been elected to the highest office in the land (and Colorado is a blue state now! Hooray?). Congratulations President-Elect Barack Obama; may your name and skin color piss off every Southern, backwoods redneck for the next four years. Obama has inherited a mess; the national debt, the mortgage bailout, the Iraq War, the Afghan War, education, health care, the lunatic fringe, etc. I do not like the idea of a welfare state, a national health care plan that I will never use but have to pay into irregardless and punishing companies for making too much money. Mix that in with the fact that I am a pessimistic bastard harboring a healthy distrust for politicians in general and now you understand my mindset. I am hopeful the Democrats will do the right thing for the next four years. If not, I look forward to waiting in line for toilet paper and vodka with all of you.

Labels: america, colorado, history, politics

Cafe Press and I have worked out our differences and are friends again (I am sorry I had sex with your sister, Cafe Press. Really I am). Apparently, my Obama Jesus design too closely resembled that of a copyrighted illustration and Cafe Press, rather than getting slapped with a lawsuit from an angry liberal artist that believes supply side economics are the devil, flagged it and pulled it down. Being the insufferable bastard that I am, I took another stab at the Obama Jesus illustration and think the end result is even more awesome than before.

Labels: america, history, politics

Update: Cafe Press has their panties in a twist over my Obama Jesus illustration and has temporarily taken the store items down while we haggle over their content usage policy via email.

As of post time and last night's presidential debate, I am still undecided on who to cast my vote for come November. My opinion of McCain has changed little over the past few months (still an old war dog) and while I like the idea of Obama (the man, not the Messiah), his rabid, cult-ish following makes me not want to vote for him. Case and point: while out knocking back a million beers a few Fridays ago with Johnny Ballgame, an intoxicated young woman approached us at the bar and asked for matches to light her cigarette(s). I handed her a pack from the bar ashtray and idle banter soon segued into "Who are you guys voting for?" which segued into her Barack Obama recruitment routine. She informed us shortly thereafter she had been canvasing the area neighborhood on a grassroots campaign to recruit Independent voters to vote Obama. Annoyed at the fact she broke cardinal drinking rule #2 (no politics) and ruined the excellent buzz I had going, I decided to push her buttons. What followed was an eloquent verbal tirade on my part extolling the virtues of one Ralph Nader and concluding with, "I think that is who Jesus would vote for if he were alive today." The young woman blinked, took a drag of her fifth cigarette, pointed her finger at me and quipped, "Fuck Jesus! What did he ever do for this world?! Vote Obama!" and then stormed off. This cute story inspired me to create the Obama Jesus campaign. Do my unborn child a favor and buy as much Obama Jesus gear as humanely possible. Daddy needs to buy some Pampers.

Labels: america, babies, drinking, history, johnny ballgame, politics

• An online video collection of every It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode (in my opinion, the greatest show on television). I recommend starting with The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby.
• The end of Iceland? When your country's currency is valued just above Zimbabwes then you have some serious problems. I hope Iceland has more viable exports than just a batshit crazy musician and volcanic ash to pull them out of their current economic crunch.
• A man rides an adult-sized tricycle intoxicated. Hijinks ensue.
  

Labels: drinking, history, link goodness, politics, pop culture, tomfoolery

With Hillary either conceding this weekend or waiting for an Obama assassination attempt, it looks like the impending presidential election will feature John McCain (R) against Barack Obama (D) and some third party hacks that are not relevant because they did not have enough money to run a competitive presidential campaign. As a declared independent, I find myself smack dab in the middle of the two major parties on most of the relevant political issues. I like to pay as little taxes as possible. I support gun ownership. I support re-separating the church from the state. I am fine with legal immigrants speaking Spanish, stealing jobs and paying taxes on their income. I am fine with women having the choice to kill their unborn children. I believe that global warming has little to do with human influence and is just a natural part of Earth's climate cycle. And lastly, I support establishing a democratic regime in Iraq that is friendly to United States economic interests. Blood for oil? Goddamn right. Spill more blood for oil, I say. Oil is freedom. Oil is the American way. It fuels vehicles, planes, truck fleets and riding lawnmowers. It brings food, living supplies, mobility and convenience to my doorstep. Why would I not want to protect that? Fight the good fight, troops. What ever peace mongering hippy yells "No Blood For Oil" at you is probably driving a Subaru Outback (which gets 20 miles to the gallon), shopping at Whole Foods (which gets their inventory transported in by long haul truckers getting 11 miles to the gallon), supports feeding the homeless (yet lives in a community with anti-panhandling laws) and complains about lackluster education (yet home schools their children or sends them to private institutions) should be dutifully ignored. So who do I vote for? An old war dog that wants to get his work down by the early afternoon so he can catch a quick nap before the early bird at the Sizzler? Or a slick, youthful, used car salesman that never really offers me a viable solution to any problem? Mix in everything I just posted with the fact that I have an intense distrust for politicians and government and here I am. Let the games begin!

Labels: america, politics, war

I am enjoying the new job and the downtown scene. Within a block of the office there are five coffee shops, four sandwich joints, a Chipotle, a flower vendor, a blind bum that likes to sing Isley Brothers tunes and the always lively 16th Street Mall. The mall is usually teaming with business executives connected to their ear piece cell phones like Lobot, statuesque women in six inch heels walking with mean swaggers, homeless panhandlers and disheveled, mentally ill crazies that yell and carry signs. The latter are by far the most entertaining. Yesterday a wild-eyed maniac sporting a wig that looked like a dumpster diving reward was walking down the mall with a sign that read "GESUS LOVES U." He nearly got ran over by a shuttle bus as he was thrusting said sign into the faces of a nice looking gentleman and his two younger daughters who were participating in Bring Your Child To Work Day. This morning as I was looping around the building to the parking garage, a filthy homeless drug addict was flashing a two-way sign on the corner which read "HILLARY IS FIDEL" on one side and "JFK SHOT MARILYN" on the other. It was comforting to learn that even homeless drug addicts hate Hillary.

Labels: 16th street mall, career, crazy, denver, downtown, homeless, politics

I am elated that the 2006 election is over. No more badly designed junk mail rife with drop-shadowed text. No more hobbits with disheveled hair telling me that Washington is controlled by special interests. No more corrupt, draft-dodging dairy farmers waxing philosophical while riding their trusted steed. Speaking of horses, it seemed that every Colorado politician was equine-heavy in their television spots this year. If not riding one, then petting one or ambling in an open meadow teeming with them. Complete the clique: throw skis and a twelve pack of Coors on the horse's back and put Red Rocks Amphitheater in the background; because Colorado horses care about Colorado values.

The election has given Democrats the majority rule in the House of Representatives, State governorships (including here in Colorado) and more than likely, the Senate. Not surprising since Republican-controlled Washington has done nothing but subvert democracy, manufacture scandal and generally cock things up since they took over in '02. I just read that Bush is now open to ideas or suggestions on Iraq from the Democrats. Here is one from an Independent voter that likes boobs: get our troops the hell out of there. It will be fun to watch the Democrats screw it up for a change. Anyone out there want to take bets on when Ann Coulter will write a book on the evil Democratic takeover?

Labels: america, colorado, politics

Five years ago I was merging onto the Boulder turnpike on my way into work when a news report came over the radio that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. The previous day, I was a pallbearer at my grandfather's funeral. By the time I walked into the office, both towers were toppled, the Pentagon was hit and "heroes" had taken over a flight bound for the White House and crashed it into rural Pennsylvania (another likely scenario is the plane was shot down by F-16s with cruise missiles and the hero story was disseminated to various media outlets to cover the Air Force's collective asses). My employer sent us all home shortly thereafter, as the tragedy became too overwhelming for anyone to focus on work. My parents called to check on my mental well-being and maybe just to hear a familiar voice. I spent the rest of the day as I imagine most other Americans did; dumbfounded, sad, angry, confused, emotionally drained and awash in bourbon. The months that followed the tragedy were a sickening whirlwind of paranoia, conspiracy and jingoism. The dust settled from the towers and the Bush Administration subverted democracy (or the illusion of democracy) for American's "safety." Left wing patriotic zealots clashed with right wing patriotic zealots and the brief moment of "togetherness" Americans felt was dashed away. Hatred and intolerance for Muslims boiled over. A military campaign to capture Osama Bin Laden was sent into Afghanistan and as of yet has not been successful. A war in Iraq was started under false pretenses. Those opposed to government policy were labeled "un-patriotic." Americans remain dependent on oil and the hard-line theocratic regimes that export oil. American soldiers are dying for an administration that does not seem care about them. What have Americans learned from the September 11 attacks? Difficult times reveal a leader's character or expose their character flaws? A selfish culture focused on money, possession and triviality is understandably not accepted and even hated by some? The September 11 attacks were a horrific tragedy, and no matter how many memorials we construct, how many we kill in the name of retribution and how many laws are passed "ensuring" our safety, it seems evident to me that we have not learned a goddamn thing.

Labels: 9/11, america, colorado, family, history, politics, war

If you want Whitney, you can have her. Seriously. Is that all it will take for you to call off the jihad and let us run that oil pipeline through Central Asia? We will whack up the petroleum profits with you and allow you free reign to run smack through our inner cities. Compared to meth, we do not mind the heroin so much. We would rather have our kids chasing the dragon in a tenement somewhere and performing oral sex on a balding, middle-aged accountant in an Arby's bathroom for their next fix as opposed to setting up a combustible meth lab in a middle American neighborhood where they could blow up an innocent, blue collar family scraping by on a meager salary provided by the local concrete factory. We could lure Whitney onto a plane filled with cocaine and economically deprived children. Can we send you Bobby Brown, too? He has not given us anything since Don't Be Cruel and his musical future does not look too bright with his constant illegal proclivities and all. We will not even care if you cut his head on Al Jazera as a warning to other Western infidels that you are not be fucked with. Consider it. An offer this good only comes along once in a lifetime.

Labels: open letter, politics, pop culture

There was much ado about May Day this year as millions paraded in the streets (including one Latina chick with a nice rack) and celebrated the strides of organized labor and the newly christened Day Without An Immigrant. The immigration issue is a complex one. Reform is needed. Greedy bastards that knowingly hire illegals for pennies on the dollar to cut costs should face the same consequences as those exploiting inadequate border patrols. Is kicking illegal immigrants out of the United States and sealing off the southern border the answer? No. Is opening the border and instituting a guest worker policy the answer? No. The solution lies somewhere between the two extremes. All I know for certain is this: A world without burritos is not one I care to live in.

Labels: burritos, politics

Presidential diseases and ailments. It appears Jimmy Carter had the least health problems out of the bunch, whereas William Howard Taft was a walking time bomb.

Labels: america, disease, history, politics

• Quote of the day: "You ain't the only one with a Glock."
  
• Aw, Scotty. You are making it too easy for me, man.
  
• Weather conditions from the Axis of Evil.

Labels: link goodness, politics, pop culture, sports

• Irony, party of one.
• Someone with property in the Colorado high country please help these girls out. They are looking for a place to crash over spring break holiday and appear to be responsible enough.
• This was sent to me today. Take a guess which heading(s) apply to me.

Labels: colorado, link goodness, politics

Arvada, Colorado tax dollars hard at work. Are you enjoying your fancy steak dinners on my dime, cocksuckers? Feel free to contact the AURA Board of Commissioners to discuss this matter with them directly. I also urge you to ask Mr. Urban how his daughter got the nickname "Spices" when she was in high school.

Labels: a-town, colorado, corruption, politics

• All you ever wanted to know about Trucker Bombs (with helpful imagery of assorted gallon containers brimming with piss).
• A high school baseball coach resigns after whipping out his cock and asking his players if they had one. I side with the coach on this one as his lesson would have been far less memorable without the visual aid.
• Woodward's story on how Mark Felt became Deep Throat and the reactions of various figures of Nixon's White House.

Labels: link goodness, politics, sports, tomfoolery

• May 19, 1536. The first public execution of an English queen; Anne Boleyn.
• May 19, 1890. Ho Chi Minh is born in central Vietnam.
• May 19, 1928. Pol Pot is born in French Indochina.
• May 19, 1992. Amy Fisher, age 17, shoots Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the face.
• May 19, 1994. Jackie Onassis dies of lymphatic cancer in her 15 room Manhattan apartment.

Labels: history, politics, pop culture

The United Keetoowah Band of Cherokee Indians says that Ward Churchill's (Colorado Univeristy Ethics Studies professor who compared World Trade Center victims to Nazi bureaucrat Adolf Eichmann) tribal membership is fraudulent. Is it me or does he look like Andy Warhol and Lou Reed's love child?

Labels: 9/11, colorado, politics, pop culture

The United States is locking down its southern border in attempts to eliminate the smuggling of drugs, weapons, people and bologna.

Labels: america, politics, tomfoolery

I am elated the 2004 election is over with. No longer will I have to bear mudslinging commercials on television, political signs (eyesores) hammered into front lawns, a mailbox stuffed full of propaganda and B-list celebrities telling me to get out and vote in between episodes of Pimp My Ride and Laguna Beach (thanks for the voting advice, Alyssa Milano. Now go fight a scary pretend warlock in a bad mask while wearing a sports bra). With John Kerry losing the election to Bush, all I have to endure now is four years of liberals whining about how Bush and his administration are fucking things up and right wing extremists telling homosexuals they cannot marry, blocking stem cell research and detaining anyone who has the handle "Mohammed." God bless America.

Labels: america, politics, pop culture

Governor Schwarzenegger may be remembered years from now for making it illegal to have sex with the dead. Unless of course he is the antichrist, then he will be remembered for something else entirely.

Labels: perversion, politics, pop culture

Joseph Goebbels has nothing on Dick Cheney. Dick reminds me of a crazy old man in the neighborhood I grew up in who threatened to shoot any kids that stepped on his lawn for retrieving an errant ball.

Labels: a-town, childhood, politics

If Americans do not have the right to insert three headed, fourteen inch dildos covered with sixty grit sandpaper into their rectums in the privacy of their own homes anymore, then what in the hell are we fighting in Iraq for? Oh, right. Oil.

Labels: politics, sex, war

Me: Too bad Dubya didn't crack his stupid head open when he wrecked on that mountain bike. He just irritates me, is all.
Kaye: They all irritate me.
Me: Yeah.
Kaye: I am voting for Bush.
Me: I am voting for Kerry. Bush's daughters are hot, though, and they could be showing their twats to the American voter sometime soon. That could sway me.
Kaye: Ha! I could see them doing that.
Me: This is how I vote, Kaye. I weigh the important issues.
Kaye: Yes, Matt. Bush is quirky and I like that about him. I like his dumbness. It keeps me amused. I will read a story about him and shake my head. Crazy George.
Me: Yeah, but Kerry killed some people in the 'Nam, Kaye.
Kaye: True.
Me: I like Bush's wife more than Kerry's, though. She reminds me of a lonely, alcoholic Southern belle in a doomed marriage. For some reason, that makes me happy. I can just imagine how inappropriate she is when her daughters bring home some college beefcake for Thanksgiving Break. She comes stumbling into the living room blasted out of her mind with a martini in her hand, full of prescription drugs, hair all disheveled and loudly proclaims, "You boys want me to take off my shirt for money?"
Kaye: Ha! Goddamn. We are fucked up.
Me: Yes we are.

Labels: im convos, kaye, politics

The fourteen defining characteristics of Fascism according to Dr. Lawrence Britt. I would argue all but one characteristic (number 11) applies to the United States.

Labels: politics

The United States Justice Department is waging a war on pornography. The campaign is being led by the killjoy John Ashcroft, a devoutly religious man who does not drink alcohol or caffeine, smoke, gamble, dance, have sex past ten on a school night and lost the 2000 Missouri Senate election to a dead guy. If my Skinemax goes away there will be hell to pay. There is nothing more soothing to a tortured soul than some Black Tie Nights or Hotel Erotica.

Labels: politics, porn, skinemax

The presidential election is fast-approaching and once again the Democrats seem clueless (Howard Dean screaming like a maniac after a third-place finish in Iowa) and Republicans seem content with believing delusions of grandeur (next time just say "We want the fucking oil" and I will have no complaints), I am casting my vote for Ronnie James Dio.

Labels: music, politics, pop culture

American forces have captured Saddam Hussein. Instead of going out in a blaze of glory with cock and balls in one hand and firing a Glock 9mm with the other, Saddam sat cowering in his dirt bunker, weeping like a schoolgirl with a skinned knee and surrendered to a 19 year-old jar head from Jerkwater, USA. It was a positive event for President Bush who experienced a one second 100 percent approval rating from me. Shortly thereafter, I went back to hating his filthy, whitebread-eating Texan guts. Jake thinks the haggard Saddam looks like Charles Manson, whereas I think he looks like Jerry Garcia's fucked-up Arab cousin.

Labels: jake, politics, pop culture, war

The sweet winds of freedom blew into a liberated Baghdad months ago. After years of repression under a brutal regime, the Iraqi people celebrated in the streets, tearing down statues of their fallen dictator. Now, the country's infrastructure is destroyed, a weakened puppet government friendly to western economic interests is firmly in place and Muslim factions are erupting into civil war across the country. In short, a democratic Iraq is in fucking shambles but at least they have porn.

Labels: politics, porn, war

Nothing helps smooth over a history of genocide and brutality like a theme park with mylar balloons and anthropomorphic animal characters. Cambodia in the mid 1970s was a scary place.

Labels: history, mass murder, politics, stupidity

According to this interview in the late 70s, Arnold Schwarzenegger liked to participate in gang bangs with black chicks and his dad was a Nazi officer.

Labels: hate, perversion, politics, pop culture

Saddam Hussein's sons are dead. Uday apparently thought he was Tony Montana and Caligula rolled into one.

Labels: death, politics, war

A dissertation on the Communist leanings of the Smurfs. I agree that the Smurfs have some Marxist tendencies but I feel that the sexual promiscuity of Smurfette is more of an issue. I know you are thinking that Smurfette represented all that was noble, pure and innocent with heterosexual Smurfanity, but I urge you to consider the following points:

1. Smurfette was the only female Smurf in the entire village. With an approximate 300 to 1 male to female Smurf ratio, are you naive enough to believe that she never threw a male Smurf the blue whiz?
2. The male Smurfs did her biding whenever she asked with no questions asked. Hefty Smurf would throw furniture around the house for her. Painter Smurf would paint her mushroom. Handy Smurf would build her bookshelves, tables and stools. And the list goes on. All of these tasks were performed out of the kindness of the male Smurfs hearts? Please. The only way men perform manual labor for any woman is if they are planning on sniffing her panties in the foreseeable future.
3. Papa Smurf would routinely send the other Smurfs into the forest for Smurfberries leaving himself and Smurfette alone to their own devices in the deserted village for countless hours. He is called "Papa" for a reason.
4. After a few seasons, baby Smurfs magically "appeared" in the village, their presence being explained by the stork theory. Is it unreasonable to believe that a village full of Smurfs at the height of sexual maturity did not hit skins with Smurfette to make some Smurf babies?

It is my conclusion that the Smurfs are not only Pinko scum, but that their female archetype Smurfette was the community bicycle and everyone took her for a ride.

Labels: perversion, politics, pop culture, tomfoolery

Iraqi citizens and United States soldiers are currently "toppling" an enormous statute of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad. It took all of three weeks for coalition forces to race across Iraq and roll into the capital city. A temporary interim government will be established eventually making way for an unstable Arab democratic regime friendly to Western economic interests. Those who support the war will have an orgy freedom fest and non-war activists will go on harboring the delusion that their objections will be listened to by their government. A coworker of mine compared the liberation of Baghdad to the fall of the Berlin Wall. I then reminded her of the financial support, weapons and chemicals the United States gave Saddam over the past few decades and of the activities a unified Germany accomplished in the past ninety years (read: World War I and World War II). Sigh. Just another day in the life of an armchair anarchist.

Labels: america, data slaughterhouse, history, politics, war

I have accepted the fact that America will be going to war with Iraq (again). In my opinion, a policy of preemptive action is just a thinly veiled smokescreen (especially when North Korea, Iran and Pakistan continue to develop nuclear weapons) for the real reason the United States wants to invade; to establish a puppet government in an oil rich Arab nation that is friendly to American economic interests. As I write this, troops are deploying in the Middle East to support the campaign. Although a shot in anger has yet to be fired, Iraqi soldiers are already surrendering.

Labels: america, history, politics, war

I am pro-choice and support the death penalty, so I am down with killing criminals and partially developed fetuses. Many individuals that are pro-life view existence as precious and believe in a Calvinistic doctrine of predestination. Whatever our beliefs are, in this case, I think most Americans would have been handing this would be mother a coat hanger.

Labels: america, death, killing, politics, religion

If this new PETA ad campaign is indicative of its views, then they have successfully alienated every normal vegetarian not wanting to be associated with an organization that compares the plight of cows and chickens to the atrocities committed in World War II concentration camps. For the last time PETA; fire your marketing and creative directors and get some common sense. Cows are not people, they are baseball mitts.

Labels: food, history, politics, stupidity

If you want to mess with criminals, lock them away in the prison designed by anarchists. Beds are placed at a twenty degree angle making them nearly impossible to sleep on, floors of the cells are scattered with bricks and other geometric blocks to prevent prisoners from walking around and the walls are curved and covered with mind-altering patterns of cubes, squares, straight lines and spirals which utilize tricks of color, perspective and scale to cause mental confusion and distress. To make the torture complete Kenny G is then piped in over loud speaker.

Labels: crime, music, politics, pop culture

Trent Lott recently praised Strom Thurmond's 1948 run as a Dixiecrat and today is resigning over his racist, backwoods comments. I guess white southern politicians do not remember losing the Civil War. Christ. Get off your sisters, spit the chewing tobacco out of your mouth, peel the Confederate flag stickers off of your pickup trucks equipped with gun racks and join the rest of America living in the 21st century.

Labels: america, politics

Here is a list of things that when combined, produce a terrible result:

• Mountain Dew and tequila.
• David Duke and Al Sharpton.
• Anal sex and kerosene.
• Religious fanatics and environmental conservationists.

For the record, I think Jesus would drive a used Honda Accord. No rims and nothing all that flashy. Just something with low miles that is reliable, gets good gas mileage and gets the Son of God around town.

Labels: america, politics, pop culture, religion

Humans share the planet with many living beings, plants and animals and our relationship with them is symbiotic; we use them to sustain existence. If I had to, I would go out and kill for my food. Thankfully, I live in a capitalist society and the advent of labor specialization keeps me up to my tits in lean ground beef provided by animals that were kept in pens and treated as commodities. All economic systems exploit people, animals and environments. No amount of holier-than-thou liberal rhetoric is going to stop people from eating meat. It is unfortunate that animals do not have opposable thumbs and the ability to reason, but that is why humans are on top of the food chain and animals are not. So once again PETA, shut your filthy grass-eating sewers and let me enjoy some delicious meatloaf in peace.

Labels: food, politics, rage, science

Bacon is an amazing greasy and crispy treat that makes life worth living. I love eating bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, bacon strips and steaks wrapped in bacon. Apparently, Jesus and PETA do not want me to eat bacon. I urge PETA to quit influencing the Lord in order to make one feel guilty about their bacon consumption. PETA should eat their bean sprouts and tofu, help the asexual panda copulate, finger-bang a vegan and save the world in silence and peace. I did not get to the top of the food chain to gnaw on grass, leaves and berries. Our species has survived eons on this planet by jabbing a giant, meaty animal with a spear and eating the fuck out of it. I understand PETA's stance; they want animals to be treated with dignity and respect. Until humans start treating each other that way, however, cows are baseball mitts and pigs are lunch.

Labels: america, bacon, food, politics, religion

Delaware is a miserable little state. Just ask Jonathan Chait, a writer who was caught in traffic on one of their toll roads. He spent countless hours researching why he hated the tiny expanse of land so much. After reading his dissertation, he convinced me that Delaware is a state running amok with backwards legislation and parasitic practices. I now despise Delaware and everything they stand for. Fuck you, Delaware. And while we are at it, fuck you too, Texas.

Labels: america, politics, rage