• Hulkamania is apparently not about lifting your weights and eating your vitamins but slathering baby oil inappropriately all over your daughter's ass.
• Bill Geerhart wrote letters to some of the most infamous figures in the country posing as a ten year-old boy named Billy. Hijinks ensue.
• Just when I thought Tyra Banks was in another stratosphere with her insanity she proves that there are others even more crazy than her. The best (saddest) part of the feature? When Summer's dad hands her a bottle of lube for her first day of whoring.

Labels: bad parents, link goodness, perversion, pop culture

• George Clooney is a bitch. All the deviants on my Thursday night ice hockey team judged me a few weeks ago for not having seen Two Girls And 1 Cup. So I gave into peer pressure and watched the scat sickness unfold before me. I am convinced the two girls were eating chocolate soft serve ice cream and not engaging in actual corpophilia. I need footage of the poop in question being shat into the cup, not the cup going off camera and than magically re-entering the frame filled with poop. Who are you judging now, Thursday night ice hockey team?
  
• In California, science dorks are getting their panties in a twist over the first substantiated wolverine sighting since the 1920s. Yee-haw! It is a large, ferocious weasel!
• Erotic Falconry is a great idea with poor execution (Read: birds of prey Photshopped into pictures of hot chicks). I was expecting topless shots of hot chicks with falconers gloves and assorted raptors affixed to them. I guess my standards are just too high. You disappoint me yet again, internet.

Labels: chicks, link goodness, perversion, poop, pop culture, porn, science

• The man who quipped "The name is Dalton..." after his set/bar fight at the Double Deuce is no more. Godspeed, Mr. Healey. I thought you would be bigger.
• Bacon cups. I may have the wife whip me up some bacon cups so I can pack them full of bacon bits and have a heart attack upon consumption.
  
• A photo essay about Uncle Dirty (NSFW). Uncle Dirty has a hog, friends. Enjoy the thong photo (near the bottom) which displays Uncle Dirty's skid marks. You are welcome.

Labels: bacon, death, link goodness, perversion, pop culture, wife

What is it about you that simultaneously makes me tingle in the crotch and causes me to question the very nature of human sexuality? You are but a cartoon yet I find myself longing to objectify you. In the midst of my drunken haze yesterday at the Colorado Rockies game, you teased me on the Jumbo Tron with your winning smile, your pink tresses flipping out from under your ball cap and your vibrant green eyes confidentially stating, "I am cute, I love Colorado Rockies baseball and I fight big insurance by defeating its evil representatives in assorted sporting activities." Was it not you who went screaming down a mountain on a snowboard chased by mindless goons on snowmobiles just to save me 18 cents a month on my automotive policy? Was it not you who took to the ice in a desperate hockey match against villainous robots bent on lavish insurance premiums only to defeat them by playing goalie, offense and defense and eventually scoring the game-winning goal with a wicked slap shot? You little pink-haired minx. You have stolen my heart and more importantly, you have made me believe that I do not have to spend a bundle on auto insurance.

Labels: erin the esurance girl, open letter, perversion

• A man argues that he cannot be prosecuted for having sex with a deer because the animal was dead at the time of said bestial necrophiliac coitus.
• A cargo container loaded with the Doritos washes ashore after falling off a ship. Fattys riot for the sloppy seconds.
  
• A killer whale acting like a killer whale (save for the act of eating its prey).
• Gingerbread Tie-Fighter.
• Google Video of a limber octopus.
• Awesome architecture, installment one: hotcakes housing project.

Labels: bestiality, link goodness, perversion, unemployment

• A comprehensive explanation of the sport cricket. In St. Lucia the wife and I encountered some cricket grounds while driving through the countryside. Our guides informed us that while cricket is not a big game on the island, a brand new stadium, Beausejour Ground, was built on the outskirts of Rodney Bay and will host matches of the ICC Cricket World Cup 2007.
  
• Existential Garfield comics. This depressing storyline originally ran the week of October 23, 1989 as a lead up to Halloween. Garfield awakens in the future when the house is abandoned and he no longer exists. Some theorize that the end of this storyline implies that the rest of the "conventional" strips are just fantasies Garfield plays out in his head to delude himself from realizing that he is starving to death in an abandoned house. Here I thought that Garfield was just a shallow husk of commercialism that yielded film abominations staring Jennifer Love Hewitt and plush orange stuffed animals.
  
• Claire Hoffman, staff writer for the LA Times, spends some time with Joe Francis, founder of the Girls Gone Wild empire. Hijinks ensue.

Labels: link goodness, perversion, st.lucia, wife

• Future Garfield strips if Garfield aged at the normal feline rate.
• Bo Jackson runs wild in a game of Super Tecmo Bowl. My Dad would say that Bo did this in real life every time he played against the Denver Broncos and then he would call Bo a "bag of shit."
• Watch this video and then ask how far you would go for some free porn.

Labels: link goodness, perversion, sports

• Another hot teacher bangs one of her idiot students. I am bitter about the complete lack of hot teachers in my academic career. Would it have been too much to ask to have a former Miss Texas teaching Spanish at my high school? I would have gone to class just to ogle teacher's firm breasts and taut runners legs, especially if there was a slim chance of scoring.
• Comic book dork extraordinaire makes a Thing costume. It is called pussy, dude. Look into getting some.
• Look who is number one for girls humping fleece sweatshirts on Ask.com.

Labels: comics, link goodness, perversion

Summer is nearly upon us and that means I will be fielding middle of the day phone calls at work from the future wife and listening to her describe her naps by the pool in vivid detail. The future wife is a teacher and has her summers off. Damn her. Onward to Alice Cooper's School's Out link goodness:

• A special Special Education teacher.
• "Let's have a feel of that ass. Mmmmm. That's nice. Now go outside and fetch me some Happy Teacher Water."
• Bottled ketchup: public school's newest menace.

Labels: drinking, link goodness, perversion, summer, wife

I am in the midst of contemplating some major career decisions. These past six months have been the worst of my professional life and that includes my first year out of college when I was laid off twice and commuting fifty miles daily in a car with no air conditioning. Needless to say, I have been sending out resumes with the subtlety of a self-immolating Buddhist monk. I have started a morning ritual of meditating in my car before I go into the office to put myself in the right frame of mind. The ritual goes as such: I take a deep breath and think about starving children in Africa whose villages are torn apart by famine, disease and death. I take a deep breath and think about young female amputees scared for life by land mines and the memories of having sex with zealot soldiers consumed with hate just to survive a civil war. I take a deep breath and think about heroin addicts living on the streets who were born into unloving, drug infested homes where they were physically, sexually and/or mentally abused. Then I call myself a pussy, put my experience in perspective, sack up and go into the office dreaming of the day when I will finally get rid of that fucking car without air conditioning. Recent developments have me hopeful this will happen very soon. Now on to more important things; like Eastern European broads wrestling in their panties. Spoiler: The match is decided when the brunette puts the blond in a nasty head-scissor lock.

Labels: career, perversion

A superb article about Transgender prison bitches. Quoth one bitch:

I should not have to prostitute myself to remain safe.

I have luckily never been locked up before, but it seems to me that you are either predator or prey in the clink. So if you are a Transgender, kiddy-touching she-male, you best serve your ass up to the baddest motherfucker in that place if you harbor any notions of self-preservation.

Labels: perversion, prison

• This is what happens when atypical fat Goth chicks have no talent for writing poetry in a cemetery.
• A burglar avoids a prison term until he can regain control of his manhood. (The condition known as Priapism (or "the perpetual erection") was named for the Greek god Priapus, who was the protector of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia and subsequently hung like a moose).
• Well done, ladies; but no matter how high you jump and how far you can pull and spread those young, taut bodies, my bracket tells me that you are getting smoked like a Parliament in the second round by Wichita State.

Labels: link goodness, perversion, sports

• I do not have a problem with women who breast feed their children in public; unless they are offering the tit to an eight year old.
• At long last, the trailer trash prophecy has been fulfilled.
• Quote of the day: "I probably do need some help, but I do not know if this is the time or place for it."

Labels: link goodness, perversion, pop culture

• Bestiality is now illegal in Washington inspired by a pervert that was thankfully removed from the human gene pool by a giant horse cock.
• Skyscraper escape pods inspired by the the victims that plummeted to their deaths from the burning floors of the World Trade Center.
• A marriage contract inspired by a personality disorder.
• A passion for wrestling not inspired by a ruptured testicle.

Labels: link goodness, perversion, tomfoolery

If you need a reason not to sleep with your sister, click here.

Labels: mormons, perversion, religion

• Bea Arthur wrestles a velocoraptor.
• Man impregnates teenager. Man marries impregnated teenager. Man goes to court in NASCAR tie (click on image). Man goes to jail. Moral of the story: If you impregnate an underage girl, do not wear a NASCAR tie to court.
• A low-speed internet connection can be frustrating, but whatever happened to running down to the Circle K and picking up a pack of smokes and a Penthouse Forum?

Labels: link goodness, perversion, pop culture, tomfoolery

Keep it up, Chuang Chuang the Panda. For your species is on the brink of extinction.

Labels: perversion, science

I think this blurb says it all:

Roberts, who declined to be interviewed, has been in therapy since allegedly being ejaculated on.

Click here for the full story.

Labels: perversion

Pere Lachaise cemetery in Paris has fenced off a famous tomb to prevent lewd acts being performed on the sepulcher cover. Apparently the statue's crotch has seen more action than Tommy Lee's. Unlike Tommy Lee's junk, however, you do not have to get checked for gonorrhea and hepatitis after rubbing up on it.

Labels: death, perversion

• Thailand is portraying imagery of bad teeth, tumors and death instead of verbal cues as warnings on cigarette packs.
• "Cool Mom" Silvia Johnson (reacquaint yourself with the saga here and here) is moving to scenic Canon City, Colorado for the next 30 years. With that haircut I think she'll fit right in.
• I did not know it was so easy to get Mormons to jump from moving cars. Any Latter Day Saints out there need a ride? (In all honesty, we probably would not make it to backing out of the driveway).

Labels: bad parents, colorado, death, link goodness, mormons, perversion, silvia johnson

• Smurf village annihilated by warplanes. Enough said.
• A registered sex offender is arrested wearing only a loin cloth fashioned from lawn furniture and covered in either fecal matter or tomato paste.
• An interview with Stephen Baldwin regarding his "hardcore" relationship with the almighty.

Labels: comics, link goodness, perversion, pop culture, tomfoolery

Insane? No. Mentally ill and making a fourteen year-old boy the undisputed king of his middle school? Yes.

Labels: education, perversion, sex

Local serial rapist and child molester Brent Brents has been busy writing letters from prison. Can we please throw this piece of shit into a holding cell with some hardcore gang bangers from Aurora and then look the other way when they sodomize and jab a sharpened spoon stuck into his neck?

Labels: crime, denver, perversion

• I was always under the impression that the worst mistake in the human race was Courtney Love. According to author Jared Diamond, it is the adoption of agriculture.
  
• Fishermen in northern Thailand have caught the biggest catfish on record; a 646-pound monster. This story would have been more amazing if they noodled the son of a bitch.
• A man was discovered in a tank under a women's toilet filled with human waste peeping up at the girls doing their business. That is what I call a serious commitment to your wank.

Labels: books, link goodness, perversion, science

From the saga of Baby Man:

I am incontinent now. I never know when it's going to strike. It's to the point now where if I didn't wear diapers, I wouldn't have the time to get to a bathroom. I wouldn't trust myself anymore without the diapers.

Labels: perversion

An interview with a former television weatherman sociopath convicted for pedophilia. My favorite excerpt:

When you were fat and ugly and they don't pick you for a sports team they beat you up. That's another reason for going up to help him. If anything, I would come up there and just give him a big hug. If he really was who he said he was and in need. I even told him I only had a few hours to spend. I asked him what he liked to eat. He said 'Steak or pizza.' I brought steak and pizza coupons with me. Do you think the federal government used that in their press conference?

Your courtesy on the steak and pizza coupons is duly noted, Bill. Now, keep your hands off the goddamn kids.

Labels: crime, perversion

• A man opposed to the dumping of raw sewage into the Pacific Ocean protests dressed as a giant shit known as Mr. Floatie.
• The Miss Tiffany Universe pageant is like all other beauty pageants save one minor detail; the contestants are packing heat.
• An email exchange between a dwarf and a bloated movie critic.

Labels: link goodness, perversion, poop, pop culture

It is a dreary day in Denver today as the sky is overcast and it is raining. This somber backdrop seems to have affected my mood as I find myself reading soul-crushing links about the lives of juvenile sex crime investigators. Not surprisingly, most pedophiles have an affinity for Star Trek.

Labels: denver, funk, geekery, perversion

I know that residing in a trailer park is not easy. The unskilled labor market is a series of ups and downs; one day work is easy to come by, the next you are at home sucking down a fifth of Old Grandad and chain smoking Pall Malls wondering where the hell you went wrong. Before you know it, you are diagnosed with cancer. Instead of sitting down and evaluating your life with some thought and introspection you decide that you are going to "go out crazy." That is fine by me. Go out crazy. Shoot up a giant hit of smack. Jump from an airplane with no parachute. That is crazy. Fucking your sister? That is going out disgusting, not crazy.

Labels: open letter, perversion

Koko the Gorilla is a sexual deviant with a penchant for nipples:

"My client was getting some rudimentary signing from Koko," he said by phone from his Redwood City office. "'Let down your hair. Lie down on the floor. Show your breasts again. Close your eyes.' My client peeped out and saw Koko slowly kneel down and start squatting and breathing heavily. My client got spooked and ran out of the trailer."

Labels: monkeys, perversion

Governor Schwarzenegger may be remembered years from now for making it illegal to have sex with the dead. Unless of course he is the antichrist, then he will be remembered for something else entirely.

Labels: perversion, politics, pop culture

Thailand is wondorous place where one can buy a brick of hash for cheap, engage in group sex with fifteen underage prostitutes and watch orangutans kick box each other to the death.

Labels: drugs, monkeys, perversion

Being a Rainforest conservationist rules! Maybe I should travel to South America or Africa in an attempt to change local land development policies regarding human encroachment in jungle habitats and impart wisdom to indigenous farmers regarding the negative aspects of slash-and-burn land clearing. Or maybe my passion for Rainforest conservation would be better served by fucking my girlfriend from behind live on stage during a concert for a band called Cumshot.

Labels: inner-monologue, perversion