Me: Thanks for the Xmas card.
Tanya: You are welcome.
Me: I teared up a little because it was so nice.
Tanya: Teared up on the inside, right? Because tearing up on the outside would make you gay.
Me: Yes. I bury all my emotions deep inside because otherwise I would be gay. I would rather drink through my emotional issues and kill a kid in a crosswalk DUI style then talk about my feelings.
Tanya: Sounds like the manly thing to do.
Me: Indeed.

Labels: broz design, drinking, gay, im convos, tanya, xmas

Kaye: We met everyone before the trip at our friend's house in Highlands Ranch. The Exterra looked out of place around all the Audis and Beemers.
Me: Fucking Highlands Ranch. A girl I used to work with told me she grew up in Highlands Ranch. I told her, "No wonder why you are so boring." Living on streets named Wildcat Aspen Lane or Wild Mountain River Court or Bobcat Sunset Honeydew Boulevard.
Kaye: All the houses look the same, too.
Me: We went to my cousin's poker tournament down there awhile back. "Our house is the sage green house on the left side." Oh really? EVERY OTHER HOUSE WAS FUCKING SAGE GREEN. One house is brown, then ecru then sage green. Repeat until you want to rip your eyes out of your skull.
Kaye: Ha! It's the crazy homeowners associations down there. Our friend had to have a shade of gray approved before she painted her house.
Me: Jesus, is it 1938 Russia down there? All bleak and ubiquitous? Motherfuckers waiting in line for toilet paper?
Kaye: Nice.
Me: Actually, that is not fair. They are probably waiting in line for a Starbucks latte. Or some trendy plates from Crate and Barrel.

Labels: colorado, denver, im convos, kaye, rage

Mark: Have you heard of Art Brut? Euro-Indie rock band. Not bad. That would also be a good name for your next child other than Spilly.
Me: Did you stay up for the game and watch the grand slam?
Mark: I did not. Although I was there for Tulo's unassisted triple play and that was dope.
Me: This was ... doper? More dope? Dopest?
Mark: Unsure.

Labels: /mark, denver, im convos, music, pop culture, sports

Me: Go suck a bag of dicks. One by one. In order of smallest to largest.
Candee: So as I get tired of sucking dicks, the dicks keep getting bigger and bigger making it even more gay and more painful? Is the last one in that bag a real choker? Like Mike Tyson's dick?
Me: Well, if it were Mike Tyson's dick it would rape you and then beat your head in before you sucked it. I was thinking more along the lines of John Holmes's dick. It is enormous and then gives you AIDS when it is all over. Because that is what you get for sucking a bag of dicks.
Candee: Nice.

Labels: candee, gay, im convos, pop culture, sex

Gay Joe: This seem fair to me.
Me: Ha! I love that picture. A whore alone in a tunnel.
Gay Joe: It is like a fractal; a tunnel inside of a tunnel.
Me: Both are hollow inside.
Gay Joe: Both are sordid and smell of urine.
Me: Both are easily entered and exited.
Gay Joe: Nice.
Me: Still on for tacos this week?
Gay Joe: Totally.

Labels: gay joe, im convos, tacos, whores

Wil: You ever want to just generally fuck yourself up? Watch CNN World for two hours. The human race is not long for this planet.
Me: Agreed. Hopefully my unborn child will get something out of it all before it blows up.
Wil: I am kind of counting on him/her to fix it all, actually. Is that not going to happen?
Me: If he/she takes after the wife, yes. After me? We are doomed.
Wil: Your spawn has been spoken of in countless Nostradamus prophecies. "And she who kicketh ass in softball shall breed with he who has odd hair of the face, and together the savior is born."
Me: Wow. Thanks? Let us hope said spawn makes the animals go bonkers at the zoo ala The Omen. The original with Gregory Peck. Not that bag of dicks remake with Julia Styles.
Wil: Well played, sir. Going to go get some dinner here in Barcelona. If I can find a place with an early bird special at 8:30 PM, that is. The Spaniards do not like to sleep.
Me: Save for the daily siesta?
Wil: Right. Adios.

Labels: babies, death, im convos, movies, pop culture, wife, wil

Gay Joe: www.trueacceptance.com.
Me: I am sure some ex-girlfriends of mine use that service.
Gay Joe: I am going to make a profile: "Tranny suffering from post-coital Pseudobulbar palsy with anger management issues seeking same in Denver."
Me: Wow. That would be awesome if you found someone.
Gay Joe: Ha! "You have 228 new messages."
Me: That site would have been a dream come true for me in college since I tended to veer towards messed up chicks back then. They had daddy issues; either he touched them too much or did not touch them enough. I essentially dated strippers before they hit the pole, Joey. Before they completely died on the inside.
Gay Joe: It is a good idea to date them before said inner-death; it is something I like to call "pre-hookering." In my tribe, that is pretty much everyone by age 18, so I had it easy.
Me: Pun intended.
Gay Joe: Exactly.

Labels: gay joe, im convos, strippers, whores

Jake: The ShamWow guy sues Scientology.
Me: I am debating the purchase of ShamWows.
Jake: Ha! Check this one out. "You are gonna love my nuts."
Me: He is right, that tuna does look boring. "If I can do it with one finger, you can do it with one hand."
Jake: The guy is a genius.
Me: Indeed.
Jake: He is like a sideshow magician, throwing around some Three-Card Monte.
Me: You are getting the Slap Chop for your birthday.
Jake: Excellent.

Labels: im convos, jake, pop culture, religion, tomfoolery

Kaye: Where are you working from today?
Me: A coffee shop in Boulder. I am meeting with a vendor this morning and he chose this joint.
Kaye: Nice.
Me: I cannot wait to be an old man at a coffee shop. These codgers are sitting next to me
and have been talking about the weather for the past hour.
Kaye: With their newspapers and their sweater vests?
Me: Well it is Boulder, so gray beards, flannel shirts...
Kaye: ...and some LL Bean khaki pants?
Me: Right. And instead of a regular newspaper they are reading an alternative paper. Something that bashes Republicans and the "establishment."
Kaye: God. Old Boulder dudes.
Me: They are not even cool old dudes wearing a Fedora, walking all slow and talking about losing their buddies during the WW-deuce.
Kaye: Ha! They are just old Hippies. The worst kind of Hippy.
Me: Yes. Because they are old enough to know that their peace-loving, cheeba-smoking rhetoric does not work anymore.
Kaye: Totally. You know what looks good on a Hippy?
Me: Blood?
Kaye: No. Fire.
Me: Even better.

Labels: boulder, career, coffee, colorado, im convos, kaye

Me: How is Dubai, my man?
Nick: It is a foreign country with Russian hookers and pirate DVD salesmen. How is Denver?
Me: About the same.
Nick: Ha!

Labels: denver, im convos, nick

DJ: Jesus in French fry format.
Me: The Son of God looks delicious!
DJ: Willy Porter does a song called "Jesus on the Grill" but he is talking about the grill of a truck...
Me: ...not a grill with a rack of ribs?
DJ: Right.
Me: Brings a whole new meaning to transubstantiation. I took a lot of communion as a young indoctrinated Catholic and if Jesus tasted like a brisket and French fries? I might not have strayed so far from the church.
DJ: "I am hungry! When is church?"
Me: Totally.
DJ: You could tell how good the barbecue was at a church by the size of the congregation.
Me: We could start the Church of the Holy Barbecue.
DJ: Or at the very least a restaurant called A Religious Experience.
Me: Where all the wait staff is dressed like Jesus during the crucifixion and instead of blood they are slathered in...
DJ: ...barbecue sauce?
Me: Yes! They slap down a pork sandwich in front of you and say, "The swine of Christ."
DJ: Ha!
Me: Oh man. I just had a really fucked up thought. Have a guy dressed up as Abraham, give him a sacrificial knife and have him bring a newborn baby out to a table. Just when he gets ready to slaughter the baby have the Mexican kitchen manager yell from the back of the restaurant (like the voice of God), "No Mas!" Then Abraham picks up the baby all nurturing and loving and says to the patrons, "Only kidding! Have some more brisket!"
DJ: Wow. You are right. That was fucked up.

Labels: dj, food, im convos, religion

Gay Joe: I do not know why but I love this.
Me: You are fucked in the head. That is why.
Gay Joe: Well, yeah. So are you, though.
Me: Agreed. It is why we get along.
Gay Joe: It is always nice to know that you may run into someone you know if the State ever forces you into the asylum.
Me: Totally.
Gay Joe: "Matty?! Is that you?!" "Yeah! Wow! Shock therapy?" "Yup!" "Right on!"
Me: [screaming at cops] "FUCKIN' PIGS! GET YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS OFF ME! Oh, hey Joe. How are you man? ... FUCKIN' PIGS!"
Gay Joe: See you in Pueblo someday, Matty.
Me: Right back at you, fruitcake.

Labels: crazy, gay joe, im convos

Wil: This communique may be brief. Damn third world countries and their third world internet.
Me: It is the rebels I am guessing. Monitoring for subversive conversation.
Wil: Could be some Sandinistas. I am in their hometown after all. Birthplace of Sandino himself.
Me: Well in that case, Viva Sandinistas! We love you!
Wil: Nice. Leon is also where that crazy poet gunned down Somoza. There are statues of him everywhere. Rigoberto Perez, I think it was. Cold John Lennon'd his ass. I could be wrong. I have had many Victorias.
Me: Well, when you are a dictator you have it coming. I mean, you have to know someone will pop a cap in your ass.
Wil: Yeah. Leon is like Boulder. Total liberal town. It would be like Pat Robertson coming to Boulder and making derogatory remarks about wheat grass. Some hippie would kill his ass.
Me: Or just try to offer him some really choice weed.
Wil: Ha! Tomorrow I head to Granada because this town sucks. Much like Boulder. I want wear a Somoza Rules t-shirt make a statement similar to your Shut Up Hippie bumper sticker. It might end up worse than someone keying my car, though.
Me: They tend to cut off your head for freedom of expression down there, Willie.
Wil: Man, if prison had air conditioning I would do anything to get thrown in. It is hot down here, Holmes.
Me: Like flames of hell hot?
Wil: Like sweat indoors but do not realize it until your shirt is soaked through hot.
Me: Like your balls sticking to your legs and smelling of old cheese hot.
Wil: Exactly. I stink really bad right now and there is a water shortage so I cannot do any laundry.
Me: You are in the jungle, dude. Fuck it. When we were in St. Lucia showers meant nothing to me. Mostly because after taking a shower I would not be able dry off for three days.
Wil: Good point. But my jeans are especially bad. Alright, I have to get the hell out of this steamy internet cafe because it is making me sweat more and smell worse.
Me: Remember to rubber up.
Wil: Will do. Adios!

Labels: boulder, history, im convos, tomfoolery, travels, wil

Web Designer: God. That site looks like clown puke.
Me: Totally. And not the good kind of clown puke.
Web Designer: There is a good kind of clown puke?
Me: Sure. Like when you punch a clown in the stomach so hard that it makes him vomit? That is the good kind. It is even better when you get some blood mixed in there.
Web Designer: I am happy that you are my boss.

Labels: career, im convos, taxi dev, tomfoolery

DJ: The Elliot Spitzer prostitute flow chart.
Me: See, now this is why I hate society. I mean, who cares if he buys a whore? Aside from killing her I am cool with it. Even then, it is circumstances such as these that killing a hooker seems acceptable.
DJ: So basically you just want a class of disposable people?
Me: Have you ever been inside a Wal-Mart Super Center on a weekend? I would say we are already there.
DJ: Nice.

Labels: death, dj, im convos, pop culture, whores

Gay Joe: Conjugal Harmony, Matty.
Me: Awesome. BrandiY is hot.
Gay Joe: I liked Fisty.
Me: Yeah. Good name. Did you check out Chopper? Her convictions are drug trafficking, murder, plus some small stuff.
Gay Joe: Ha! I would totally date a prison chick. Finally, I would get me a real man.
Me: Those girls are more man than me, Joey.
Gay Joe: These are the kinds of gals that could win a fight in a back alley while eight months pregnant. Gotta respect that.
Me: Totally. Plus they would not care about getting their fetus cut out of their uterus as long as they won.
Gay Joe: Yup.
Me: I love these convictions: I kill a man what who raped me but DNA said he didn't so it was murder or Two counts premedicated murder on my sister kids I used to wash.
Gay Joe: Premedicated murder? Used to wash? That is awesome.
Me: Wait ... I found the best one. Look at Chesty Heavens' convictions: I beat up this bitch cop with my bare knuckles and she died so I'm done for life. Lets chat!
Gay Joe: Wow. That IS super.
Me: She is a special lady.

Labels: gay joe, im convos, prison

Me: The wife asked me yesterday, "If a comet were to hit the earth tomorrow and end all life as we knew it what would I do with my last day on earth?"
DJ: What did she say?
Me: "I would have a big dinner with all our family and friends."
DJ: What did you say?
Me: "I would pick up a whore and kill her. Then I would come to that dinner."
DJ: I can almost hear her squeal "Matty!"
Me: She did. I am totally and completely serious, though.
DJ: I know.
Me: I would not even have to hide the body.
DJ: Take the body to dinner with you and prop it up at the table.
Me: Even better. "Who is that, Matty?"
DJ: "Dead whore. Pass the butter?"
Me: As in, asking the dead whore to pass me the butter? Because that would rule. "Dead whore, can you please lead us in grace?"
DJ: Then just sit there in silence for a moment while everyone stares at you all freaked out. Then look up and say, "Amen."
Me: I am glad you are my friend.

Labels: dj, im convos, whores, wife

Me: Interesting.
Jake: Meh. She does not stun me. Who cares if she can play some golf?
Me: I guess it is nice to know that she is not just a useless hot bitch. She can hit the shit out of a golf ball, too.
Jake: Give me Heidi Klum playing with her tits any day.
Me: Well, duh. Her tits are fantastic.
Jake: "Great knockers!"
Me: The Seal thing baffles me. I bet she is a size queen. It is the only explanation.
Jake: Never thought of that.
Me: Him and Edward James Olmos could be brothers with all that shit on their faces.
Jake: Ha! Seal had lupus. Cut the guy a break. He is just trying to get by.
Me: I do not call banging Heidi Klum "Getting By." I call that "Out Punting Your Coverage." "Getting By" is laying wood to someone like Britney Spears.
Jake: That is not "Getting By" that is "Giving Up."
Me: Nice.

Labels: boobs, chicks, im convos, jake, music, pop culture, sports

DJ: This zombie link is amazing. I need to start taking science classes so I can amass a fortune, run a cemetery and do zombie experiments. Vast sums of money are being poured into nano-technology. Sure, at some level scientists know nano-bots will destroy mankind. They just cannot resist seeing how it happens.
Me: I am all for it. I would not mind being a zombie at all. You get to eat brains, have lots of friends and cannot die easily.
DJ: Technically you have to die once - horribly - but yeah, after that, you are gold. I am not so sure you would recognize things like 'friends' but then you probably would not care either. Of course you would not recognize things like 'house payments' and 'Yankees' and the other horrors that we confront daily.
Broz: Right.
DJ: Zombie Jeter would be pretty cool.
Broz: Totally.
DJ: Eating the brain of A-Rod and then introducing zombie A-Rod to zombie anal. Better, introducing A-Rod to anal and then to the zombie world and then to zombie anal. Mostly because I want A-Rod's last thought to be, "Zombie Jeter just put his cock in my ass, there is nothing I can do about it and it hurts like hell."
Broz: Ha! And wow. Zombie sex would be amazing. Here is why: you can do things in the zombie world that are taboo in the non-zombie world. Like rip a bitches arm off and fuck the shoulder socket. And than beat her with the arm. And than eat the arm.
DJ: Wow. I am at Caribou Coffee now and dying laughing. People are starting to look.
Broz: You are welcome.

Labels: dj, im convos, zombies

Jake: Amber marries Amber Doll.
Me: That doll looks a million times better than she does.
Jake: Ha!
Me: I would probably take a run at that doll but be creeped out the entire time while doing so. Then again, that describes sex with my ex-girlfriend so I might be able to handle it.
Jake: I have a feeling I would get in the middle of it and be like, "This is weird." It would be like jerking off in the shower and realizing halfway through that it is not going anywhere. Sure you keep at it for a while, but eventually your arm just wears out.
Me: No way. Once I am in that doll, I am committed. It is a lot like sex with the dead or bestiality; once you crossed the the penetration threshold, all bets are off. You do not just pull out and acknowledge weirdness in the middle of it. You have to finish and than punch the doll in the throat for judging you afterwards.

Labels: im convos, jake, perversion, sex

Nameless Coworker: You had three calls come in for you in the past ten minutes.
Me: Oh really?
Nameless Coworker: Yeah. Where were you?
Me: Even Art Directors have to take shits.
Nameless Coworker: Nice.

Labels: career, im convos, poop, tomfoolery

Me: The wife and I are moving out of the hood, Joey.
Gay Joe: No way. Are you moving over to Castlegate to run your meth dealing ring from within?
Me: No. We got a house. We put an offer in last Wednesday, got countered on Thursday and we accepted. We now have three mortgages and can officially be called "slumlords." We may own the whole goddamn town home complex if you are not careful.
Gay Joe: Want to buy my place?
Me: Maybe. Think we can wash the gay off the walls?
Gay Joe: No. That is the selling point, jackass.
Me: "For rent: 2 bedroom suburban town house. Doubles as homosexual circus tent and semen repository."
Gay Joe: "Home already part of metro area orgy circuit. Ideal for those already suffering from syphilitic dementia."
Me: Awesome.
Gay Joe: Replace "suffering from" with "enjoying."
Me: Depending on who we are targeting.
Gay Joe: "Bush-bottoms welcome at double rent."
Me: "Bear lovers encouraged."
Gay Joe: I would actually prohibit bear lovers and pets. Too much hair. Anyway, congrats on the new house. Looks nice.
Me: Thanks, killer.

Labels: gay joe, im convos, real estate, the fairways

Nameless Ex Coworker: Hey, do you know the login and password to that thing on the corporate website you designed? I need to do something with that.
Me: Yes. It will cost $80 an hour for that information. That is my going design rate for for-profit corporations. Or we can work out a flat fee.
Nameless Ex Coworker: Seriously? Even for me?
Me: For you and for anyone who represents your company.
Nameless Ex Coworker: Wow.
Me: It's a pleasure doing business with you.

Labels: data slaughterhouse, im convos

Me: Then there are these fucking guys.
Jake: I like how you lead into that.
Me: (bows).
Jake: Dude thought the obituary picture was cute? Never mind that she died in a motorcycle crash.
Me: Yeah. She's dead, fellas. How about you try to tap the living, first?
Jake: Well, I would rather they try this than rape Tommy's little sister.
Me: I would rather them not rape anybody, dead or alive. I do like how they bought condoms. That was thoughtful.
Jake: Yes. You don't want to catch maggots.
Me: Or get the corpse pregnant. What were the other dudes going to do while their boy got his Ted Bundy on?
Jake: See if he liked it and then take a poke if it was any good?
Me: Yeesh. There are sloppy seconds and than there are sloppy seconds with a dead body. That is the lowest rung on the sexual deviance ladder. While we're on the topic, I'm thinking they should have bought some lube with those condoms, too.
Jake: Totally.
Me: You know, a guy I play hockey with kind of looks like one of those dudes. His name is Dave. He probably has sex with the dead, too.
Jake: Nice.

Labels: im convos, jake, perversion, sex, stupidity

Me: Britney's birthing statue from the back end.
Kaye: Why? Why would anyone do that? That is so disgusting.
Me: I think they should have made it interactive, like the fetus shooting out of the womb or something.
Kaye: Sick.
Me: The fetus dives back into the birth canal to get its Cheetoes and cigarettes. Then it shoots back out to become a terrible back up dancer that thinks it can rap. Finally, it goes back in to find its fleeting youth and shoes so it does not get hepatitis from walking barefoot across a public bathroom floor.
Kaye: Ha!

Labels: im convos, kaye, pop culture

Holzmann: Should we call it a navigation bar or a menu bar?
Me: In the next version release of the product it wont be there, so you can call it whatever you want.
Holzmann: Perfect. I will just call it the "Lick On Matt's Cock Bar" then.
Me: I trust you are referring to my cock because nobody wants to lick yours. Except maybe your Mom.
Holzmann: That was cold.
Me: That is how I roll.

Labels: holzmann, im convos

Me: I bought some new skis last night.
Monica: Oh, nice.
Me: Notice the urban graphics that will illustrate how much of a non-conformist I am while skiing. Because that is important.
Monica: Keeping it street on the slopes?
Me: Right. Represent.
Monica: Represent Arvada?
Me: "I am riding for the water tower today, bitches."
Monica: "This is for all the homeys that are working at the gas stations, getting their weed delivered to them that cannot enjoy the mountain today."
Me: "This bump run is for my boys that drink too much beer, still live at home with their parents and work at Randy's Pizza; sorry you did not make it, playas."

Labels: a-town, colorado, im convos, mons, sports

Me: Cory Feldman is itching to be in a rock opera.
Monica: When all else fails, try the rock opera.
Me:I got news for Corey Feldman. There is only one man that can pull of the rock opera and his name is Meat Loaf.
Monica: Well, you cannot blame him for trying.
Me: Oh yes I can. A rock opera is nothing to be trifled with. It takes equal parts falsetto voice, sequined jumpsuits, frilly man-blouses and rhinestone unitards.
Monica: And Corey Feldman does not fit that bill?
Me: No, my friend. He most certainly does not.
Monica: Certainly you jest, but did you see his frilly attire on the Surreal Life while getting hitched?
Me: No.
Monica: He wore a pirate shirt and man tights, Matty.
Me: Interesting.
Monica: Now, I realize you cannot fuck with the rock opera formula. I am just saying, for a fancy boy, Feldman fits the bill.
Me: You may have swayed me. One thing troubles me, however; can Feldman sing?
Monica: Does it really matter?
Me: That settles it then. The time is nigh to write a rock opera for Corey Feldman. I will call it A Celebration of Corey. It will be the story of his life set to musical score: his childhood, Stand By Me (accompanied by a tear-jerking on-stage reunion with Wil Wheaton), his days on smack, The Lost Boys, the suppressed memories of Jacko molesting him, his marriage to stalkers and then, for the grand finale we will call Corey Oblivion, a duet with Mr. Corey Haim.
Monica: Yes!
Me: Now all I have to do is learn how write a music.

Labels: im convos, mons, music, pop culture

Jake: I sent my brother-in-law the screaming dad mp3. His reply was: "Man, I miss New England. It has been a long time since someone's dad called me a cunt."
Me: I am incorporating that into my verbal arsenal when I have a son. I will call him Mary, Cinderella, ballerina and cunt. Every once and awhile I will call him son, just so he does not commit suicide.
Jake: I am going to stick with "Boy" mostly. "Hey boy, get me a beer" or "Hey boy, mix daddy a martini. And do not cock it up like you did last time."
Me: Good times.
Jake: Yes.

Labels: c-bomb, im convos, jake

Monica: The Gay card.
Me: That is funny.
Monica: "I would like to pay for it with my Platinum Rainbow, please."
Me: For the homosexual that likes to advertise their sexuality with every purchase.
Monica: That is a really good tag line.
Me:Thanks. "I will take a pack of menthols and a box of Good 'N Plentys. And yes, I am a homosexual."

Labels: im convos, mons

Wil: I think if I could be reincarnated, it would be as a hot chick.
Me: That would be cool. I would get giant fake breasts, rub my implants endlessly, smoke cigarettes and do cocaine off Jenna Jameson's ass.
Wil: Absolutely. I would do everything off her ass; fold clothes, eat a TV dinner, etc. It would be like my coffee table.
Me: Yeah, that is a good idea.
Wil: Keep a nice candle and a jar of potpourri on there. I would even make my guests use coasters.
Me: And no putting out smokes in her orifices.
Wil: No. That is not cool. I would be totally respectful.
Me: Well, as respectful as one can be using another's ass as a coffee table.
Wil: Right.

Labels: im convos, pop culture, wil

Jake: Breakaway glass.
Me: We need to get some of that. Then you can come over to my cubicle and say you do not like my designs and I will smash a bottle on the table and say, "Now I got to cut you."
Jake: Yes. We could get in a fight in the parking lot and throw whiskey bottles at each other.
Me: That would be awesome. We would have to make a scene in the office first. "You fucked my sister!"
Jake: "How was I supposed to know she was a stripper?"
Me: "Fuck you!"
Jake: "I was asleep anyway!"
Me: *flings a salad plate
Jake: *plate explodes against the wall
Me: "Outside, bitch!"
Jake: We will probably need some fake blood, too.
Me: Totally.

Labels: fighting, im convos, jake, tomfoolery

Me: I am going to post this.
Monica: Yikes. Anna Nicole is a train wreck. That is almost too bad to post. The Joe Namath fall from grace, now that was funny. Posting this would be like kicking a three-legged dog or getting footage of Courtney Love stoned and flashing her junk. Been there, done that.
Me: Good point. But the posting well is dry. I would apply this same logic if I ever needed a slump buster and was forced to pick up trash like her at a strip club. Inner monologue would go something like this: "Sure, she is a disaster. I mean she works at a strip club, a place where drug addicts, perverts and sex abuse victims work and hang out. But damn, I am in a serious dry spell here. I will just give her a handful of painkillers. Maybe then she will not cry after sex. Much."
Monica: Fair enough. I just do not understand the allure is all. Of course, I do not have a penis either.
Me: Sometimes it is just as simple as "Hey, look at those fun bags!"

Labels: drugs, im convos, mons, pop culture, strippers

Jake: Giant squids.
Me: The giant squids are taking over.
Jake: Yes. I have long thought that tentacles were the only things that might trump thumbs.
Me: Regardless, we still have the larger brain.
Jake: Yeah. But you give the same brain to a species with thumbs and to a species with tentacles and the tentacles just might be more useful than thumbs.
Me: Agreed. Squids could definitely hold more weapons with their tentacles. This is assuming of course, that they become amphibious, run aground and grow giant brains.
Jake: Right. I mean, they could spread just one tentacle over an entire keyboard. In order to compete with that, we would have to type with our fingers, wrist and elbow.
Me: Can they control sectional elements of their tentacles? Like in the instance of typing?
Jake: I think so. A tentacle is not sectional though. I think it is just a big bunch of muscle.
Me: So they cannot type?
Jake: I think they could.
Me: I am not sure. I am going to need to see a cross section of a tentacle in order to determine.
Jake: Here you go.
Me: That settles it. The squids can type.

Labels: im convos, jake, science

Me: Too bad Dubya didn't crack his stupid head open when he wrecked on that mountain bike. He just irritates me, is all.
Kaye: They all irritate me.
Me: Yeah.
Kaye: I am voting for Bush.
Me: I am voting for Kerry. Bush's daughters are hot, though, and they could be showing their twats to the American voter sometime soon. That could sway me.
Kaye: Ha! I could see them doing that.
Me: This is how I vote, Kaye. I weigh the important issues.
Kaye: Yes, Matt. Bush is quirky and I like that about him. I like his dumbness. It keeps me amused. I will read a story about him and shake my head. Crazy George.
Me: Yeah, but Kerry killed some people in the 'Nam, Kaye.
Kaye: True.
Me: I like Bush's wife more than Kerry's, though. She reminds me of a lonely, alcoholic Southern belle in a doomed marriage. For some reason, that makes me happy. I can just imagine how inappropriate she is when her daughters bring home some college beefcake for Thanksgiving Break. She comes stumbling into the living room blasted out of her mind with a martini in her hand, full of prescription drugs, hair all disheveled and loudly proclaims, "You boys want me to take off my shirt for money?"
Kaye: Ha! Goddamn. We are fucked up.
Me: Yes we are.

Labels: im convos, kaye, politics

Mark: You need to sign up for the Gmail, Matt.
Me: I have enough internet email accounts. I am an internet email whore.
Mark: All you need is one; Gmail, baby.
Me: Sigh. You are so young.
Mark: Give me a break. 1000 Megabytes!
Me: I do not need that much space because I never save emails.
Mark: Well Gmail is out to change all that.
Me: Gmail sounds nice and everything, but I rarely use my internet accounts.
Mark: Well, it is a nice fucking service!
Me: Let me give you an insight into the internet emails I usually get (keep in mind I have a spam blocker). This morning, for example, I received a wonderful link regarding the sexual habits of lactating women. Sounds sexy, right?
Mark: Gmail would have caught that.
Me: You cannot catch a lactating woman, Mark. They are elusive. Like a Yeti. Or the Loch Ness Monster.
Mark: Nice.

Labels: /mark, im convos, tomfoolery

Jake: Mysterious noises in the street.
Me: The street is evil!
Jake: GEEEEEEET OOOOOUUUUUUUUT!
Me: RUN! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, RUN!
Jake: Next thing you know corpses will be bubbling up out of the swimming pool.
Me: Right. Then Coach Hayden Fox will struggle with ghosts in an epic battle to save his family.
Jake: Poor Coach. He battled and fought and all he wanted was a nice house for his family. Then the damned television sucked up his little girl.
Me: Unfortunately said nice house was built atop an Indian burial ground.
Jake: Coach did not know. It was not Coach's fault.
Me: I know, but Coach should have reevaluated the situation when the walls started bleeding.
Jake: True. But he was already missing his little girl at that point. Once she is inside the television, you are committed.
Me: I say fuck the kid, cut your losses and move onto a nicer suburban street named after trees.
Jake: What? Like Elm Street? Fuck that!

Labels: im convos, jake, movies, pop culture

Me: I was at Cheerleaders one night and a stripper was doing her routine in some little panties, twirling around the pole and shit, then she stopped, looked at me and screamed "Matty!" It was a girl I went to high school with. I was so drunk I did not even recognize her. I think her stage name was Glass Tyger or something. Not Tiger with an "I" but Tiger with a "Y."
Kaye: Fucking strippers. I hate all of their stage names. Glass Tyger. What a dumb ass name.
Me: I love stripper stage names. They make me happy. I asked her why she did not go for something like Sindy and spelling it with an "S" because you can take out the "DY" and then its just "SIN." Plus that goes with the Motley Crue song "Same Ol' Situation." Then again, I was always partial to the stage name Erotica.
Kaye: How about Electric?
Me: That is good. There is always an animal in there, too. And a spice.
Kaye: Yeah. Like Cinnamon or Cheetah or something.
Me: If I were stripping I would call myself the Bald Eagle and come out in a bird head-dress, squawk all obnoxious and flap my arms up and down like a dickhead.
Kaye: Ha!
Me: Your stripper stage name could be Raven. That would be a good.
Kaye: Because I am dark haired. Like a raven.
Me: Then have a bunch of babies out of wedlock and squirt breast milk out of your nipples at customers when you are lactating.
Kaye: Okay, that is enough.

Labels: im convos, kaye, strippers

Kaye: Do you remember that robot's name from Short Circuit?
Me: Johnny 5.
Kaye: That is right. Johnny 5 is alive!
Me: I hate that motherfucker.
Kaye: I hate that fucking dumb ass movie. Johnny 5 was all rolling around like he was a tank or some shit. Where are your fucking legs Johnny 5?
Me: I wanted to take a crowbar to his stupid ass. Or disconnect his shit and roll him down a hill. Fuck you, Johnny 5.
Kaye: Johnny 5 is not alive.

Labels: im convos, kaye, movies, pop culture

Me: "Damn though mans I'm just tryin' do me. If the record's two mill' I'm just tryin' move three. Get a couple of chicks, get 'em to try to do E. Hopefully they'll menage before I reach my garage."
Monica: God bless the Jay-Z. I love him. I would be all sick ass groupie for him. Would you be a male whore/groupie for any band or singer?
Me: Gwen Stefani. The Go-Gos circa 1982. The Bangles circa 1986.
Monica: Susanna Hoffs was a sweet piece of ass.
Me: You (besides Jay-Z)?
Monica: Lenny Kravitz. Robert Plant circa 1978. Henry Rollins circa 1986.
Me: I had a thing for that one Heart sister back in the day. Not the cow but the one that played the Axe.
Monica: Nancy.
Me: That blond curly hair, running around in lingerie and busting out some riffs on "What About Love."
Monica: Marvin Gaye. That would have been interesting.
Me: Even more interesting: Barry White.
Monica: Not Barry White. He is a whale.
Me: Speaking of interesting, how about Janice Joplin? Ugly as sin and chasing the dragon. I would have just yelled at her until she serenaded me with some "Bobby McGee."
Monica: Ha! Jimi Hendrix. You know he would have clogged a girl up something fierce...
Me: Er...?
Monica: ...with drugs, not sperm.
Me: Whew. Thanks for clarifying. I would have tagged all of Bananarama.
Monica: I do not even remember them.
Me: Sure you do: "Leaving me here on my own, its a cruel. Cruel summ-aaaah." Not summer, mind you, but summ-aaaah.
Monica: You complete me.
Me: Right back atcha, fruitcake.

Labels: im convos, mons, music, sex

Nels: I have not had fun since the early nineties.
Me: Really? What did said fun entail?
Nels: Ballerinas and monkeys dressed up in Civil War costumes.
Me: Well who could not have fun with ballerinas?
Nels: Monkeys dressed up in Civil War costumes.

Labels: im convos, monkeys, nels, tomfoolery

Kaye: We were on the road Saturday afternoon and we saw a clown driving in a car.
Me: Oh yeah?
Kaye: Yeah. It was some funny shit. I am glad clowns have to drive around all dressed up like fucking morons.
Me: Ha! Goddamn, you are fucked up.
Kaye: It is a prejudice I have. I hate clowns. There is something seriously wrong with you if that is your job.

Labels: im convos, kaye, tomfoolery

Me: A story that is right up your alley
Gay Joe: Die Puny Humans? Love that site name!
Me: Totally.
Gay Joe: Or something.
Me: Fuck you, you silly little queer.
Gay Joe: Hey! I may be little and queer but I am not silly.
Me: Um.
Gay Joe: Okay maybe a little silly.
Me: I am surprised you have not faggoted up that cubicle with posters of Julie Andrews and the Depeche Mode.
Gay Joe: I have not done that because I am more of a dark fag.
Me: You are like the Darth Vader of the gay community. Or the grim reaper. Take your pick
Gay Joe: Vader. He had a huge helmet.
Me: The grim reaper has that giant scythe though. You could do some cool gay shit with it.

Labels: data slaughterhouse, gay, gay joe, im convos, pop culture

Today in Colorado, it is fucking hot. Like Africa hot. Like flames of hell hot. People are finding all sorts of ways to keep cool. I log onto my computer after dropping a deuce in the corporate washroom and I have this IM message flashing on my screen:

Jake: A 28-ounce Mountain Dew Livewire Slurpee, my friend. It is a high that never lets you down.

Amen, Jake.

Labels: colorado, data slaughterhouse, im convos, jake

Monica: I am sure I will be fine. I will just be drunk for four days. How else do you do a wedding in Cheyenne, Wyoming?
Me: Maybe you should get some pills. Preferably some 'ludes. Or a sack of goofballs. Or some Black Beauties...
Monica: Yeah, I have not decided which drug to risk the Interstate Commerce With Intent to Sell ticket for. Oxycontin?
Me: Sprinkle in some morphine. Because nothing says Wyoming like painkillers.
Monica: When livestock outnumber people 10-1 do as the locals do.
Me: Load up on mind-numbing medication and wait it out?
Monica: Right.

Labels: drugs, im convos, mons

Kaye: If a baby is ugly do you still say it is cute?
Me: No. If the baby is not cute just pick an ugly parent and say "Your baby looks just like you!"
Kaye: Ha! That is awesome.

Labels: im convos, kaye, tomfoolery

Monica: God do I hate Creed. "Arms Wide Open" my ass. I would like to jam something down Scott Stapp's wide open throat.
Me: Ha! Excellent. Take your I Love My Baby/I Am Down With The Lord rock somewhere else, Scott. Like the bottom of the ocean.
Monica: Totally.
Me: Just a poor man's Stryper if you ask me.
Monica: Honestly.
Me: Well played.

Labels: im convos, mons, music, pop culture, religion

Kaye: Do you participate in office birthday celebrations? Are they not the worst?
Me: Yeah. Happy birthday wishes to someone you could give a shit about.
Kaye: We all have to stand around and pretend like we care.
Me: Happy birthday you stupid fucker! The only reason I sang to you is because I get free cake.
Kaye: Ha! Yes. It is all a bunch of shit.
Me: Hurry up and cut the cake, jerks. Matty does not care how old this person is and that cake looks like it has some Snickers bars on it.
Kaye: Mmmmm. Snickers bars.

Labels: im convos, kaye, tomfoolery

Mark: I am going to get a haircut so I can trick this girl into thinking I am good looking. Today will be my "I am a good/funny/nice guy day." I may ask her out this Friday.
Me: Do it. Say something witty.
Mark: Like what?
Me:Like, "Are you into sodomy? Because I certainly am not."
Mark: Jesus.
Me:"And if your sitting there thinking I am into butt sex, then we should to end this relationship right now." Or tell her, "I do not wear underwear. But if I do, it is usually something tasteless, like a turquoise thong. Which look funny on me because of my hirsute bikini line." Something along those lines. That stuff is gold.
Mark: Is it? She might not get it.
Me: She seems dumb. That is good.
Mark: No, she is not dumb. She is a biology major.
Me: She seems smart. That is good. You are Rocky and I am Mickey in this scenario. "Go in there and tear her head off, Mark."

Labels: /mark, im convos, tomfoolery

Jake: The Gremlins kid was caught stealing a Deep Purple CD?
Me: I know. That makes it even more tragic.
Jake: How lame can one person be?
Me: Very lame. He was on the downhill slide after Gremlins 2, really.
Jake: Well yeah. But you figure that is as bad as it should get.
Me: True. You know you have hit rock bottom when you are lifting classic rock CDs from Tower Records.
Jake: There is always meth, though. He could still fall further.
Me: It is either meth or Hollywood Squares.
Jake: Or huffing silver spray paint and getting picked up on Cops with no pants and stained undies.
Me: Whippits?
Jake: Whippits are amateur hour, Matty. It is all about the metallics. Nothing kills brain cells faster. Even gasoline.
Me: Well that is plain silly. Everyone loves a good a bag of gas.

Labels: drugs, im convos, jake, movies, pop culture