Wil: This communique may be brief. Damn third world countries and their third world internet.
Me: It is the rebels I am guessing. Monitoring for subversive conversation.
Wil: Could be some Sandinistas. I am in their hometown after all. Birthplace of Sandino himself.
Me: Well in that case, Viva Sandinistas! We love you!
Wil: Nice. Leon is also where that crazy poet gunned down Somoza. There are statues of him everywhere. Rigoberto Perez, I think it was. Cold John Lennon'd his ass. I could be wrong. I have had many Victorias.
Me: Well, when you are a dictator you have it coming. I mean, you have to know someone will pop a cap in your ass.
Wil: Yeah. Leon is like Boulder. Total liberal town. It would be like Pat Robertson coming to Boulder and making derogatory remarks about wheat grass. Some hippie would kill his ass.
Me: Or just try to offer him some really choice weed.
Wil: Ha! Tomorrow I head to Granada because this town sucks. Much like Boulder. I want wear a Somoza Rules t-shirt make a statement similar to your Shut Up Hippie bumper sticker. It might end up worse than someone keying my car, though.
Me: They tend to cut off your head for freedom of expression down there, Willie.
Wil: Man, if prison had air conditioning I would do anything to get thrown in. It is hot down here, Holmes.
Me: Like flames of hell hot?
Wil: Like sweat indoors but do not realize it until your shirt is soaked through hot.
Me: Like your balls sticking to your legs and smelling of old cheese hot.
Wil: Exactly. I stink really bad right now and there is a water shortage so I cannot do any laundry.
Me: You are in the jungle, dude. Fuck it. When we were in St. Lucia showers meant nothing to me. Mostly because after taking a shower I would not be able dry off for three days.
Wil: Good point. But my jeans are especially bad. Alright, I have to get the hell out of this steamy internet cafe because it is making me sweat more and smell worse.
Me: Remember to rubber up.
Wil: Will do. Adios!

Labels: boulder, history, im convos, tomfoolery, travels, wil

• To say the Japanese are not fanatical about young girls underwear would be like saying the Nazis did not hate the Jews. Case and point: intricate fiberglass carved panties.
• Bolivian wrestling. Or Lucha Libre if you prefer.
• Ben Saunders: Athlete, adventurer, motivational speaker and attempting to make an 1800 mile trek across Antarctica with no dogs, vehicles, kites or re-suppling. There is a reason that man-hauling across the Antarctic continent has only been tried once in 93 years, it is called Robert Scott.

Labels: history, link goodness, panties, sports

• May 19, 1536. The first public execution of an English queen; Anne Boleyn.
• May 19, 1890. Ho Chi Minh is born in central Vietnam.
• May 19, 1928. Pol Pot is born in French Indochina.
• May 19, 1992. Amy Fisher, age 17, shoots Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the face.
• May 19, 1994. Jackie Onassis dies of lymphatic cancer in her 15 room Manhattan apartment.

Labels: history, politics, pop culture

A new pope, Benedict XVI, has been chosen. In the Vatican, the former cardinal has been the driving force behind crackdowns on liberation theology, religious pluralism and challenges to traditional moral teachings on homosexuality and women's ordination. In short, the Church of Rome has just elected a right wing, stubborn old man who will probably yell at kids playing soccer in St. Peter's Square and feed pigeons breadcrumbs laced with rat poison in order to "shut them up." Pope Benedict XVI is exactly what the Catholic Church needs right now; a hard-line, unwavering traditionalist who will protect pedophile priests, maintain the misogynistic status quo in Catholicism and continue to condemn homosexuality and birth control. Benedict XVI also bears the distinct honor of being the only pontiff in history who was once a Hitler Youth.

Historic Papal Fun: Curious as to why popes chose new names for themselves during their Pontificate, I ran a "pope" throug Wikipedia. Not only did I learn about the naming process*, I boned up on sexually active popes, Antipopes, African popes and a period of Papal history known as Pornocracy, or Rule of the Harlots. Good times.

* Starting in 535 AD, the Pope has customarily chosen a new name for himself during his Pontificate. The names are not based on any system other than general honorifics and have been based on immediate predecessors, mentors and political similarity.

Labels: history, religion

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Instead of celebrating (read: laying on the couch, drinking beer and watching Black Caesar on the digital cable) the life of one of the most important leaders in American history, I had to work. We only get a day off at the office for important historical figures if they owned slaves.

Labels: data slaughterhouse, history, tomfoolery

Today marks the 63rd anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor. My great uncle Al was in the harbor during the attack and survived. Most of his shipmates and friends died that day. He went on to serve on another battleship (the name of which escapes me but he eloquently called it "A goddamn tin can"), fought at Guadalcanal and witnessed the famous/bogus flag raising at Iwo Jima. Uncle Al never gave me lectures on freedom nor filled my head with idealistic notions of patriotism. The only advice he ever offered me was to appreciate every day and maintain a good sense of humor. Sound advice from a man with a half-naked hula girl tattooed on his forearm.

Labels: family, history, war

Forty-one years ago today, Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly assassinated John F. Kennedy. Due to the magic of the internet, kids can now relive the moment by participating in an interactive reconstruction from the perspective of Oswald's scope. Mafia/Communists/Government be damned!

Labels: death, history