We get an average of two trick-or-treaters when Halloween is upon our town home complex. Last night we got one; a youngster dressed as Death who got himself a handful of snack-sized Skittles. Halloween is much changed since I donned a costume. Parents did not drive their kids to go trick-or-treating. If you wanted the big candy payoff, you earned it by braving the elements (it is always fifteen degrees colder on All Hallows Eve in Colorado) and walking until your feet bled. You would come home sniffling and collapse from exhaustion, not caring when your Dad stole the Snickers from your sack in the middle of the night. Town home and apartment complexes were like money in the bank for trick-or-treating back then. An orgy of corn syrup, chocolate, caramel and preservatives awaited for a kid who was willing to rip off "Trick or treat" in rapid-fire succession. I thought that with the burned out unit, we would at least get some middle-schoolers around here playing Ouija and worshiping the devil. Nothing. The Wife clicked the front porch light off at 10:15pm and died a little on the inside.

"Doesn't anyone want candy anymore, Matty?"
"I guess not, honey."
"Hold me."
"Indeed."

Labels: colorado, halloween, l-i-v-i-n, wife

• Wikipedia for Halloween.
• Halloween costumes for sluts. My personal favorites: Teacher's Pet, Alice In Wonderland, Whore Ballerina, Herpes Care Bear and Bondage Whip Cat Woman. Disturbing items: Homo-erotic Roman Warrior costume and the sexy plus-size costume section (note the complete lack of realistic models that could adorn the "three-man tent tarp" size). A note to sexy costume manufacturers everywhere: Your plus-size section should consist of one costume; a king-size white sheet with eye holes cut out labeled "Sexy Ghost That Eats Too Much."
• Anna Nicole Smith is facing the possibility of exhuming her son's dead body.
• Wikipedia for Samhain (the festival, not the bag of assholes band Glenn Danzig fronted after the dissolution of the Misfits).
• Outsiders soliloquy performed by a talentless hack for the now dead Stanley Kubrick.

Labels: halloween, link goodness

• A frightening haunted house. Frightening not because of superb effects and realistic horror scenarios but because it is operated by a registered sex offender.
• A classic Halloween prank goes awry in trailer park. The world is shocked.
  
• Wikipedia for the man who killed Halloween. Thanks to this prick and the paranoia he caused, I did not have a Snickers bar until I was in junior high. My dad would "check" all of my candy post trick-or-treating and deem it safe for consumption. He would take all the Snickers bars out of my bag and say things like, "This one is no good, son. It is poisoned" or "You cannot eat this one. It looks like someone tampered with it." These "tainted" candy bars then found their way into my Dad's secret candy stash for him to enjoy periodically through out the year. Fuck you, Candyman.
  

Labels: death, halloween, link goodness, tomfoolery

With Halloween a few weeks away, here are some helpful links on how to make a Doctor Octopus costume and a fake human head in a jar. Tomorrow the future wife and I are off to the pumpkin patch at Rock Creek Farm in Boulder County to partake in our annual tradition of collecting over-sized gourds and saying things like, "I like this one. It has a good shape and it looks like a squirrel has not chewed the fuck out of it."

Labels: halloween, pumpkins, wife

Saturday night my lady and I attended Nels and Kerry's third annual pumpkin carving party. It was her first experience combining gourds, stabbing implements and hard alcohol. My pumpkin was voted best in party (The design on my jack-o-lantern can be seen at most truck stops across America). I was finished carving in fifteen minutes and left to drink hot cider laced with rum* while my lady worked her ass off implementing a creative idea she read about in a home living magazine. Many jack-o-lanterns looked far better than my own, but my victory is proof positive of one indisputable fact: sex sells.

* Hot cider and rum are a lethal combination. One has difficulty tasting rum in hot cider, so after drinking five or six cups, inebriation hits you like a pimp who has not received his cut of the money. At one point, I filled a standard twelve ounce plastic cup half full of rum and half full of cider. I gave the drink to my lady, who at the time was completely sober. She took one sip and said, "Did you put any rum in this? I do not taste anything." Needless to say, we stumbled home from the party as if we had been drinking at a mixer at the Kennedy compound.

Labels: drinking, halloween, nels, pumpkins, wife

This weekend I played hours of GTA Vice City, got drunk wearing a super Afro wig to a Halloween party and participated in my semi-final playoff hockey game against the Husson Boys, Mike and Mark. Our team battled hard, but due to some late penalties, we came up short of the victory. Mike and I used to play alongside each other during the early days of the Slashing Hyena Hockey Club. The Hyenas are currently embroiled in internal strife as four players are leaving to test the free agent market. I was recruited once again by the organization to play, but I am under contract with my new club for several more seasons.

Fucking Mormons. The next time you want to kill your pregnant wife be smart and file a life insurance claim, stage a car accident and collect your check. Or, being of the Mormon faith, just take another wife that is a sociopath pornography addict so you have something in common.

Pro-Lifers will do anything for attention. If you have an objection to the procedure, than do not have one. It is wise to keep abortion legal. Currently the procedure can be performed in the sterile and safe environment of a hospital as opposed to on a urine soaked mattress in some trash-ridden alley by a voodoo motherfucker with a coat hanger. It is not anybodys place to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her uterus. Except for me.

Labels: /mark, dead babies, death, geekery, halloween, hockey, mormons, religion, vajayjay, weekend that was

• Kids in the Denver metro area will be braving a cold Halloween night. I will refuse candy to a child if I see their parents dropping them off in a car. If these spoiled punks want sugar, they better be out in the elements with a pillowcase risking hypothermia, pneumonia and frostbite. I want kids half frozen at my front door with teeth chattering. Then and only then will I give them two mini-Reese’s Peanut Butter Sticks.
• A Cheers for serial killers. Ted Bundy, one of the Hillside Stranglers and John Allen Muhammad have all spent nights at the draining cold ones.
• Jam Master Jay was gunned down at his recording studio in Queens yesterday. Rest in Peace Jam Master Jay; the turntables might wobble but they won’t fall down.

Labels: death, denver, drinking, halloween, link goodness, music, pop culture, serial killers