There is no better way to celebrate my birthday than by reading my favorite type of story; a big fat slob being extricated from his house by way of cutting through the side of it. In just a few short hours my coworkers will be treating me to a sloppy plate of birthday tacos. Later this evening the wife will be making me a birthday dinner of "whatever my little heart desires." My little heart happens to desire pancakes, pumpkin pie and a glass of scotch. Here is hoping my thirty second year that will bring happiness, prosperity and employment stability. This tax season I am going to have more W-2s than a contract porn actor.

Labels: birthday, gluttony, tacos, wife

• A mother has sold her face and dignity for a tattoo advertisement. She says the money will go to her son's education because he is falling behind in school. If the kid inherited his mom's brains then I can understand why he is falling behind in school.
• Takeru Kobayashi has won his fifth consecutive hot-dog eating title retaining the coveted Mustard Yellow International Belt.
• Stella's "groove" consisted of a scheming homosexual, embezzlement and duplicity.

Labels: gluttony, link goodness, pop culture, stupidity, tattoos

My Thanksgiving holiday was pleasant, fattening and free of stabbings. My lady and I ran the Turkey Trot in the morning and then spent the rest of the day being gluttonous hogs. Big comedy was delivered via the grandmothers as we kept vigil over the basted fowl:

Grandma #1: (describing her recent cataract surgery) It was like a psychedelic nightmare.
Grandma #2: I do not like anybody who takes drugs when they do not need them.

Labels: family, gluttony, health, l-i-v-i-n, thanksgiving, wife

My 29th year on earth began with a five-pound weight gain and the arrests of Carol Seaver, John Conner and Kevin McCallister. Saturday night, my lady's parents treated me to a steak dinner during which I consumed a slab of beef bigger than my head. Last night my mom had me over for ravioli and a peanut butter ice cream cake that was richer than an oil sheikh.

Labels: birthday, family, gluttony, wife

I do not understand the Krispy Kreme phenomenon. Whenever a company-wide email goes out regarding the mere presence of Krispy Kremes, herds of gluttonous fucks stampede into the company break room and lay waste to the donuts as if they were Georgia during General Sherman's March To The Sea. In my opinion, Krispy Kreme donuts taste like the sugared sweat of a donkey's balls.

Labels: data slaughterhouse, gluttony

After reading this, I love the Costco even more. I usually roll up into that bitch every other week for some steaks, a case of Orbit chewing gum, assorted fruits and vegetables and two gallons of non-fat milk (and just because I have not said it lately and it has been on the tip of my tongue: Fuck Wal-Mart).

Labels: gluttony, l-i-v-i-n

She Who Will Not Be Named and I had an extraordinary time in Vegas. Many seven and sevens were consumed, fake breasts were flaunted and I broke even thanks to a good night playing Let It Ride and having enough sense to walk away when I was up. Highlights from the trip:

• On Sunday night we ate Mexican food and gambled at Caesers Palace. The casino is a dump and most of the dealers are older than dirt, but I did win $100 playing blackjack. Caesers is building a gigantic stadium for Celine Dion modeled after the Roman Coliseum. According to my friend Jester, "They paid that bitch millions of dollars to sing there."
• Monday during the day, we relaxed by the pool drinking Pina Coladas and sleeping. At night, we attended the La Femme show at the MGM Grand after a gorge fest on king crab legs at the Rio's all you can eat seafood buffet.
• Tuesday we went shopping at the Venetian and toured Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. We also hung out at the pool and took a great two-hour nap. That night, we had an excellent Italian dinner and went to the Spearmint Rhino.
• Yesterday, I turned 27. My parents and She Who Will Not Be Named took me out for a delicious steak and numerous 24-ounce microbrews. It was a nice evening and thankfully I was not tuned up on amphetamines and cutting off my own penis.

One thing being on vacation taught me is that work sucks. I do not look forward to going back on Monday.

Labels: birthday, decadence, drinking, gluttony, she who, vegas