• Photobombers are people who ruin seemingly nice pictures. Here are some of the best Photobombers from Facebook.
• Sportsmanship is alive and well in female athletics. If it were dudes playing in that game the scenario would have played out something like this: Guy hits a jack. While rounding first base he blows out his knee. After making fun of the guy for blowing out his knee while rounding the bases on a home run, the opposing team feigns fake concern until trainers haul him off the field whereupon the umpire makes the proper ruling of a two-run single. The opposing team will later tell their grandchildren about some moron that shredded his ACL after going yard in a bourbon-soaked haze forty years later.
  
• Peanut butter and jelly. Milk and cookies. College fraternities and cocaine rings.
  

Labels: drugs, link goodness, sports, tomfoolery

• Analytics according to Captain Kirk. In short, the survival rate of a red-shirted crew person on the USS Enterprise is akin to that of a Russian infantryman during WWII.
• A timeline of Black Flag's hair.
• The Montana Meth Project. Gritty, jarring and perfect.

Labels: drugs, link goodness, music, pop culture, war

Moses was tripping balls? That explains the whole wandering in the desert, Egyptian army is chasing us, parting the Red Sea, Burning Bush, Mount Sinai/Ten Commandments and Golden Calf business. That right there describes a fairly strong yet garden variety acid trip. Granted, the Exodus story is not as twisted and psychedelic as Fantasia what with the dancing elephants and hippos, but it definitely ranks up there.

Labels: drugs, religion

• Click here to see the reason why I am hooked on A&E's Intervention (pun intended). Naked meth whore's journals are eerily reminiscent of a former coworker of mine who was rumored to be on the pipe. She used to sketch magical spirals and write "NO" repeatedly in her notebooks during board meetings.
• Michael Jackson may be losing the Happy Pedophile Ranch due to some back taxes.
• The Colorado Avalanche made some big moves before the trading deadline netting them Peter Forsberg, Adam Foote and Ruslan Salei. In other 1999 news, American Beauty wins the Oscar for Best Picture and folks are starting to get serious about this Y2K thing.

Labels: colorado, drugs, hockey, link goodness, pop culture, sports

• Mother of year turns tricks while her kids are in the back seat and snorts coke from the stomach of her newborn son while breast-feeding him.
• Today marks the anniversary of Tim Allen being arrested with one and half pounds of yam-yam at the airport and rolling on his longtime friend to get a life sentence reduced only to go on to make shitty situation comedies and Santa Claus related films.
• Members Only jackets for $10. I may have to pull the trigger on one of these badboys and wear it over my Queensryche Operation: Mindcrime concert shirt.

Labels: bad parents, drugs, link goodness, music

Anna Nicole Smith is dead from popping a handful of sedatives and choking on her own vomit. Glamorous. Is anyone shocked? Anyone besides other drugged out bitches with balloons surgically implanted in their chest cavity? It was just a matter of time before Anna Nicole's major organs exploded due to heavy narcotic intake. I am done with the major news outlets already; especially those comparing her to Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn was a smoking hot sexpot and had talent. Anna Nicole had a big rack and a penchant slurring her way through interviews. Marilyn had a stable that was the envy of most straight women of her era: JFK, RFK, Joey D and Arthur Miller. Anna Nicole's stable included a billionaire that looked like an exhumed corpse, a Jewish lawyer that weighs a buck twelve and random strip club patrons that paid her $200 for a champagne room hand job.

Labels: death, drugs, pop culture

• An astronaut love triangle sponsored by Depends brand adult diapers. Because when hunting down crazy bitches that look suggestively at your man, there is no time for a bathroom break.
• In Malcolm X's auto-biography, he wrote about taking large doses of nutmeg to get high in prison. While its not as glamorous as hand sanitizer, it does the trick all the same (read firsthand accounts of nutmeg highs here, here and here).
• Ron Jeremy gets some behind-the-dumpster action from a random skank at a Saddle Ranch Steakhouse. All this while said random skank's date waited patiently for her to return. And she did. With cum in her hair.

Labels: drugs, link goodness, pop culture

Today while meeting with a client at the downtown Tattered Cover, an unsavory character with crack pipe burns about his hands stopped me while exiting the store and asked for spare change in exchange for reciting one of his poems. I am opposed to giving street urchins any form of compensation (it is not in my nature to enable) so I agreed to the transaction with the caveat that if I did not like his poem he would receive no payment. He agreed, pulled out his mangled spiral notebook and began reciting prose. The poem was surprisingly good, rife with inflections of loss, pain, happiness, despair and hope. I gave him 47 cents, told him to stay off the rock and to keep working the poetry angle. He said thanks and then told me he had to catch a bus that was taking him to a drug test. After his drug test I am sure he was meeting up somewhere with his nymphomaniac girlfriend that has 'Fuck My Whore Ass' and 'Fuck My Whore Pussy' tattooed on her hips.

Labels: denver, drugs, homeless, whores

The five most obviously drug-fueled television appearances ever. I love me some Crispin Glover on Angel Dust, James Brown full of bourbon (and song) and Richard Pryor in his prime coked to the eyeballs.

Labels: drugs, tomfoolery

• This is your brain on drugs.
• 24 beers a day for 8 years.
• According to a new theory, modern humans are descendants of inbred chimpanzees. This makes what I see on Cops make much more sense.

Labels: drinking, drugs, link goodness, science

On 4/20 at 4:20, students with an affinity for weed at CU Boulder decided to have a smoke out at Farrand Field. While they were taking pulls of hippy lettuce and barking at the moon, video surveillance caught them doing what they do best. My comments:

• It is called shampoo and a hairbrush, cheeba monkey. Give them both a try.
• College usually takes seven years when you are majoring in law, medicine or burning out.
• C Thomas Howell ala Red Dawn enjoys some kind. WOLVERINES!
• A Pearl Street Mall regular.
• Experts claim that marijuana is the gateway drug. In this instance, let us hope it is a gateway to a long and glamorous career in porn.
• Tonight on a very special Doogie Howser: Doogie tries smoking grass.
• Um, yeah.

Labels: boulder, drugs

• Meth addict attempts suicide via nail gun. Hijinks ensue.
• A photo journey through the post-nuclear wasteland of the former Soviet Union. Inspired by the twenty-year anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster.
• In my life, I have found there to be only one indisputable truth: Journey's Escape is the equivalent of musical panty remover.

Labels: cold war, drugs, link goodness, music

Hair metal dissertations that tug on the old Steelheart:

• Mr. Sun on the Scorpion's Rock You Like a Hurricane.
• Izzle Pfaff on Whitesnake's Here I Go Again.

The Here I Go Again video filled my pubescent years with countless hours of masturbatory fodder. Tawny Kitaen's ruby tresses flowed in the wind as sheer linen robes exposed her bulbous breasts and buttocks while she stretched and gyrated her limber body all over the hood of David Coverdale's car. It was a sight to behold. Unfortunately for Tawny, this was the zenith of her career. Soon after she defiled that black muscle car, her life and looks degenerated in the magical world of happy dust, prescription medication and attacks on her ex-husband with a shoe.

Labels: drugs, music, tomfoolery

• Quote of the day: "She had such a great smile, back when she had teeth."
  
• Video of a break dancing hand.
  
• A sculpture dedicated to The Birth of Britney Spears's son, Sean Preston. The installation is said to be an idealized portrayal of Britney in delivery with a distended belly, lactating breasts and a posterior view that depicts widened hips and reveals the crowning of the child's head. According to the artist's interpretation, Britney gave birth on all fours (which is fitting, I suppose, because I am guessing that is how she conceived) stroking a bear (wolf?) head. Are bears (wolves?) symbolic of fertility and childbirth? If so, I am going to start rethinking some things.
  
• I am using a hockey analogy for this link. Every team has a collection of diverse players with specific skills; a select few are pure goal scorers and play makers, others are defensive specialists, muckers, grinders, etc. The point is a good hockey player knows their role and is happy to contribute. You are nothing more to the human team than talking boobs, Jessica Alba. The sooner you accept and embrace that, the better off we will all be.

Labels: boobs, drugs, link goodness, pop culture

• The rise and fall of an Indian reservation drug dealer. Jake digs the bear claw tattoos prominently displayed on homegirl's sweater puppies. He would. The guy does shit like this on the weekends.
• A dissertation on the NBA logo. The article argues whether the logo should be redesigned to reflect the current culture of the league or remain the way it is. I say redesign the logo to something that is indicative of the modern NBA; a tattooed kid with cornrows that cannot play defense and has no outside shot but can dunk like a hungry police officer at a coffee shop.
• Good to hear that Hank has not lost his edge.
• Tanith Belbin has made me a fan of Olympic ice dancing. There. I said it.

Labels: drugs, jake, link goodness, music, sports

Twenty-five strippers and their respective mug shots. These dancing ladies of the evening were busted for all manner of illegal activities including cocaine peddling, prostitution, lewdness, exposure of sexual organs and the improper solicitation of alcohol sales. I respect the attitude of dancer number three, I appreciate the lifeless cocaine-addled eyes on dancers number six and fifteen and I am certain dancer number twenty one is smuggling plums. After browsing through this gallery, I think I would pay most of these women to keep their clothes on rather than take them off.

Labels: crime, drugs, liquor, strippers

• A woman is still planning to marry the man who shot her in the crotch and held her hostage in his family's garage for six days. That is what I call the definition of stupidity, er, unconditional love.
• One mayoral candidate on how to motivate homeless people to do constructive work in the city: crack cocaine.
• Taking my personal demons out to lunch at the Olive Garden.

Labels: drugs, link goodness, tomfoolery

• Carrot Top is shredded. Regardless if he is cut out of wood or not, he is still a closeted homosexual. He is wearing scary man mascara, for the love of baby Jesus.
• An Australian model could face a maximum of 15 years in an Indonesian prison for being caught with ecstasy. Based on her picture, I would pay to see her in an Indonesian prison reality show. The program may only air for two hourlong episodes but it would be the best thing to happen to television since the moon landing.
• After overhearing a conversation in the company breakroom, I thought a filmmaker had finally captured my dream on celluloid: a menage-a-trois sex scene involving bacon. I was disappointed upon learning that it was a menage-a-trois sex scene involving Kevin Bacon and another man. One dick in the room is one dick too many.

Labels: bacon, drugs, link goodness, pop culture, sex

A gold spray paint huffing bender leads to the greatest mugshot ever.

Labels: drugs, stupidity

An eating disorder expert was caught doing whippits at a local supermarket. Two things bother me about this:

1. A 49 year-old woman is doing whippits at a local supermarket. She is 49 years old for the balls of Jesus. She can afford to do better than a cheap inhalant high at the grocery store. Have some respect for yourself and get hopped up on goofballs or drink a bottle of cheap vodka like McCormicks.
2. How does one become an eating disorder expert? Is there an accreditation process? Do you have to spend a month with Lara Flynn Boyle to become qualified?

Labels: disease, drugs

A great story about Dock Ellis, the Major League pitcher who threw a no-hitter on acid. I miss the good old days of professional baseball when hurlers high on amphetamines would put one in your earhole just for stepping into the batters box.

It's such an important aspect of the game [hitting a batsmen]. All hitters know they're gonna get hit. They just don't know when. The kicker for the truly good hitters is, you cannot hit me as many times as I'm gonna hit you. They take that hit to get six hits. But you gotta pop their ass so you can get an 0 for 4 on them one day. Don't get cocky now, motherfucker. The challenge is on. So let's get it on. Other guys might explain it differently, have different reasons, but that was mine. Right about the time I left, it changed. You can't throw at anyone without getting thrown out of the game. The announcers today say it ruins the game. They never talk about the fights that Cincinnati and St. Louis got into 30 years ago. Barry Bonds? I'd hit him at least once a game. 'Cause he's got all that shit on. Yeah, let's see that shit stop the ball from hurting him if I hit him on the motherfucking elbow or something. I'd hit him just to see, does it work?

Labels: drugs, sports

In my hometown:

The Arvada Police Department reports that Bandidos and High Plains Drifters distribute significant quantities of methamphetamine in Arvada.

Good to know that outlaw bikers are in Arvada distributing some crank. Word on the street is that No Excuses (a strip mall bar in Arvada Plaza, located across the parking lot from the KFC) is slinging white crunch out the back.

Labels: a-town, drugs

• A chimpanzee in a South African zoo has taken up smoking.
• Liberian soldiers wear wigs and women's clothing believing it will protect them in battle.
• The DEA has released the 2005 Drugs of Abuse handbook. Especially enjoyable are the chapters on Hallucinogens (8) and Inhalants (9).

Labels: drugs, link goodness, monkeys, tomfoolery, war

If you are fiending for a hit of crank when outside the safe confines of your meth lab, do not panic. The local K-Mart provides the ingredients and an ideal place to cook up; a public restroom.

Labels: drugs, stupidity

The MB will be experiencing down time for few days as I ditch Yahoo! Web Hosting* and make the transition over to Joyent. Until then entertain yourself with this:

• Four men steal a goat, beat it to death with hammers, butcher it and then trade the goat steaks to a drug dealer named Smalls (he uses the meat to feed his fighting pit bulls) for crack.
• German artist Gunther von Hagens wants to build a corpse art factory. The girlfriend and I will be in Chicago the same time his exhibit Bodyworlds is showing. I will have to talk her into going to see it (Read: Vanilla Stoli).
• A woman digs up the remains of her ex-boyfriend to spite his family. She adds insult to injury by drinking the beer and smoking the cigarettes that were buried with him.

*After being a loyal customer for just under five years, Yahoo! Web Hosting failed to inform me that my package was lowered five dollars nearly six months ago and did not bother switching me to the lower rate automatically. After emailing Yahoo! about this oversight, they responded with an auto-generated email thanking me for my inquiry. In short, Yahoo! Web Hosting sucks the sweat off of a dead donkey's balls.

Labels: death, drugs, geekery, rage, technology

On almost every corner I drive past nowadays, I see a Walgreens either in operation or being built. Within a two-mile radius surrounding my home, there are four Walgreens. Is this country so screwed up that we need prescription medication outlets on every corner? (The obvious answer is yes, but the question is rhetorical you thick motherfucker). I have only been inside a Walgreens three times:

1. In 2002, to fill a prescription to treat a nasty cold.
2. In 2002, to fix the prescription from my first Walgreens visit. An incompetent pharmacist messed up my dosage and gave me two enormous bottles of pills that could have lasted through a nuclear holocaust.
3. In 2004, my lady and I were hungry and in a pinch we patronized the closest store for a sack of beef jerky and some bottled water.

If I had any money to invest, I would put it into prescription medication outlets. Keeping people sick or under the delusion that they are sick seems to be a growth industry.

Labels: drugs, pop culture, wife

Arvada, Colorado is the place where I grew up, attended school, played little league baseball, rode my bike to the swimming pool during the summer and went to Cub Scout meetings. It is also the place where I developed a penchant for whiskey, made a living on girls with low self-esteem and watched alcohol-fueled punks fight almost every weekend. It is the same place where Silvia Johnson, self-proclaimed "cool mom," just got busted for providing teenagers with drugs, booze and sexual favors.

Yeah. That is my hometown.

Labels: a-town, bad parents, childhood, colorado, drinking, drugs, silvia johnson

A righteous image gallery of meth addicts at the beginning and than during the zenith of their addiction.

Labels: drugs

Before going on a three-day bender, get a babysitter. Better yet, do not have any children. Without responsibilities and another life to take care of, you can wallow in your selfish existence, hang out in garbage-infested alleys and smoke the rock until your heart explodes.

Labels: drugs, stupidity

Me: I am going to post this.
Monica: Yikes. Anna Nicole is a train wreck. That is almost too bad to post. The Joe Namath fall from grace, now that was funny. Posting this would be like kicking a three-legged dog or getting footage of Courtney Love stoned and flashing her junk. Been there, done that.
Me: Good point. But the posting well is dry. I would apply this same logic if I ever needed a slump buster and was forced to pick up trash like her at a strip club. Inner monologue would go something like this: "Sure, she is a disaster. I mean she works at a titty bar, a place where drug addicts, perverts and sex abuse victims work and hang out. But damn, I am in a serious dry spell here. I will just give her a handful of painkillers. Maybe then she will not cry after sex. Much."
Monica: Fair enough. I just do not understand the allure is all. Of course, I do not have a penis either.
Me: Sometimes it is just as simple as "Hey, look at those fun bags!"

Labels: drugs, im convos, mons, pop culture, sports, strippers

An excerpt:

Using makeshift or poorly made crack pipes can cause oral cuts or burns. If shared, these pipes can also help spread blood borne diseases, particularly if the group includes drug users who also sell sex. The transmission of both hepatitis and HIV is of concern in this situation where pipe passing from mouth to mouth could cause direct contact with bleeding lips and cracked gums.

Instead of enabling crack addicts with safer crack pipes, maybe we just need to get them some Chapstick instead.

Labels: drugs, pop culture

Thailand is wondorous place where one can buy a brick of hash for cheap, engage in group sex with fifteen underage prostitutes and watch orangutans kick box each other to the death.

Labels: drugs, monkeys, perversion

Sometimes life is a kitty being rescued from certain death and other times it is cocaine-induced infanticide in the bathroom of a ramshackle sports bar.

Labels: dead babies, death, drugs, kitty

The media blitz surrounding the anniversary of the September 11 tragedies was about as subtle as a sack of hammers. It seemed every television channel and radio station geared their programming about the attacks. I would rather have seen coverage of Marines raining bullets into Al-Queda soldiers and then defiling their filthy corpses, but that’s just me. The rumor now is that Osama Bin Laden is taking a dirt nap. In an interview with a television journalist an Al-Queda general kept referring to Osama in the past tense.

On a lighter note, Snoop Dogg has quit smoking. In a world full of avarice and despair there was always one thing I could count on: Snoop Dogg blazing. Snoop’s dependency on weed was the one fundamental truth I could believe in. Now I am challenging my values, beliefs and the very foundation of my existence. Thanks a lot Snoop.

Labels: 9/11, drugs, war

At my high school we did not need slut teacher aides that molested male students. We had plenty of easy girls that would have sex with you if you gave them a bottle of Boones Farm Wine and a joint. That was the deal closer. Take my junior year Pom-Pom squad for example. Three girls got knocked up in a span of six months. Two were sisters, ages 18 and 16, and they got pregnant within two months of each other. I think their mother committed suicide. Even though my high school was chocked full of depraved chemically dependent sex fiends (myself included), I do not think any of us were caught doing this.

Labels: drinking, drugs, nostalgia, sex

Today marks the twentieth anniversary of John Belushi's overdose via speedball. The autopsy and police report from that day can be seen here. His last days on earth went something like this:

Belushi sits fat, naked and bloated on the toilet of some random, fleabag hotel in Southern California. He is hanging out with a dirty crack whore who he met the week prior and has been up for the past three days with her mainlining whiskey, pot, coke and smack. "Hey, I got an idea," remarks the junkie whore. "We should start speedballing so we no longer feel the depression of coming down from our high(s) anymore." Belushi agrees. "Great idea. We will be so high. Fix me up! Hijinks ensue.

Labels: death, drugs