Winning the lottery is sometimes the worst thing to happen to people. Take Kiddie Touchin' McGee, for example. Despite claims he will donate a portion of his winnings to assorted sexual abuse charities, people are still beating him down with lead pipes and cola bottles. That is what I call some sound mob justice. Rotten.com has an excellent page on people whose lives were destroyed by winning the lottery and provides a guide on what to do if one were to win the lottery. The first rule about winning the lottery is you do not talk about winning the lottery.

Labels: crime, pop culture, sex

My sister has been working as a county social worker for the past decade. Yesterday she was at the jail administering a training class for fellow county employees. While walking through the intake area, a young woman called out to her from the holding cell. The young woman asked my sister her name, where she went to high school and if I was her brother. After answering yes to all the young woman's queries, she blurts out, "Oh my god! I used to date your brother! Tell him I said hello!" Hello back at you, crazy drugged-up bitch I used to date in high school. Be sure to tell your Mom that she still owes me gas money for driving you to softball practice during the summer of 1994.

Labels: a-town, colorado, crime, drugs, family

• For those with an aversion to evacuating their bowels in the in the woods, I present you the shit box.
• I like it when my pay-per-view smut is uncomplicated. This digital cable menu reminds me of my trip to Vegas when Wil and EZ were going through the Spank Vision listings. We stopped giggling like middle school girls huffing ether when we landed the she-male feature With or Without.
• It has to be tough living in Alex P. Keaton's shadow and all, but damn Andy, settle the fuck down. I long for the day when my friend working in the Boulder County DOC splits Andy Keaton's skull with a nightstick for getting "mouthy" in lock up.
  

Labels: boulder, crime, ez, link goodness, poop, porn, sg crew, vegas, wil

• A multi-tasking rapist. I think rape etiquette should tell you to set a cell phone on 'Airplane Mode' or at least leave it in the getaway car.
  
• A mutant skin disease from the Eastern bloc. I usually pride myself on sniffing out photo manipulation of any sort and this seems to be legit. The only red flag is Wikipedia not having an entry for Lewandowsky-Lutz Dysplasia.
• Her boobs, her boobs, her boobs are okay. Her sweater puppies are beyond okay; they are fantastic.

Labels: boobs, crime, disease, link goodness, pop culture, rape

Bob Arno makes a living studying pickpockets. A pickpocketing career would be a good move for an unemployed deviant like myself. If you invite me over for a barbecue and I squirt mustard all over you shirt and gank your wallet please don't get angry with me. I am just doing my job, baby.

Labels: crime, tomfoolery, unemployment

• The sex trade is booming in post-Katrina New Orleans.
• Face tattoos are the mark of the unstable, drug addicts, idiots or criminals that have nothing good to offer society. I present you Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
• Patricia Arquette spilling out of her dress.
• Wikipedia for the Battle of the Trebia, the first major battle of the Second Punic War.
• A teacher who worked in the public school system for two decades after she was caught kissing and groping a 13 year-old student at an middle school dance, became pregnant by a sophomore in high school who she married upon his graduation in 1985 and invited her teenage son's 15 year-old friend to move in with her and then seduced him.
• Map of US Fatalities in Iraq (by home of record) as of October 2006.

Labels: america, crime, history, link goodness, sex, tattoos, unemployment, war

If I could go back to college with the skills I acquired over my professional career, I would be making quality fake IDs and charging desperate underage drinkers $200 a smash for them (I would also be convincing more women to pose nude for me and explain that it was all for artistic purposes). In the mid to late 90s the internet was not as magical as it is today. You couldn't just buy a fake ID with your parent's credit card and have it over-nighted to you in time for weekend tavern revelries. No. Instead you had to pay some asshole stranger that smelled of cigarettes and claimed she was a born again Christian $40 to alter the dates on a good ID with improper fonts and colors and wait two months for it.

Labels: college, crime, tomfoolery

• This is what happens when atypical fat Goth chicks have no talent for writing poetry in a cemetery.
• A burglar avoids a prison term until he can regain control of his manhood. (The condition known as Priapism (or "the perpetual erection") was named for the Greek god Priapus, who was the protector of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia and subsequently hung like a moose).
• Well done, ladies; but no matter how high you jump and how far you can pull and spread those young, taut bodies, my bracket tells me that you are getting smoked like a Parliament in the second round by Wichita State.

Labels: crime, link goodness, perversion, sports

• When hitting skins in the garage be sure to turn the car off.
• A criminal considered too psychotic for execution. Are you kidding me? Jackballs goes on a rampage, kills a baker's dozen and we are respecting his inability to rationally comprehend the death sentence? Throw a peach cobbler in the gas chamber, tell him it is a magic room that is protected by Jesus, slam the door and have him rationally comprehend his lungs ingesting noxious fumes until they fail.
• Jessica Alba should be getting sued for harboring the delusion that she has anything more to offer this world than her fun bags.
  
• I do not know if I can wait a decade for this.

Labels: boobs, crime, link goodness, pop culture, sex

• A minor league hockey promotion that is much better than mixed gender, on-ice dodge ball: the man with the hairiest back.
  
• Wikipedia for the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
  
• Tom's unholy seed no longer needs its host body upon entering the world, therefore, the host's usefulness is no more.

Labels: crime, link goodness, murder, pop culture, sports, tomfoolery, valentines day

Twenty-five strippers and their respective mug shots. These dancing ladies of the evening were busted for all manner of illegal activities including cocaine peddling, prostitution, lewdness, exposure of sexual organs and the improper solicitation of alcohol sales. I respect the attitude of dancer number three, I appreciate the lifeless cocaine-addled eyes on dancers number six and fifteen and I am certain dancer number twenty one is smuggling plums. After browsing through this gallery, I think I would pay most of these women to keep their clothes on rather than take them off.

Labels: crime, drugs, liquor, sex, strippers

The magical world of eyebrow tattooing. I am pretty sure tattooing "Fuck You" or "Aryan Honor" on your face limits any legal career pursuits and automatically makes you guilty of anything subversive going down within a ten mile radius.

Labels: crime, stupidity, tattoos

The California Supreme Court has rejected Tookie Willams, co-founder of the Crips, appeal for a stay of execution. The killing is set to take place tomorrow unless granted clemency Governor Schwarzenegger (insert bad "You're fired" True Lies line here). Tookie maintains his innocence from the murder charges to this day. He also had a thing for the close contact shotgun action:

According to the forensic pathologist, Yen-I Yang suffered two shotgun wounds. One shotgun wound was to his left arm and abdomen. This wound shredded Yen-I's left arm, fractured his ribs, and shattered his spleen, right kidney, bowel and large vessels. The other shotgun wound was to the lower left chest. This wound also fractured ribs and shattered the spleen, right kidney, bowel and large vessels. Moreover, a plastic shotgun shot container and associated wadding were recovered from the base of Yen-I's liver. The pathologist further explained that both of the Yen-I Yang's wounds were inflicted when the end of the muzzle was only feet from Yen-I's body. Yee-Chen Lin was shot once in the upper left face area at a distance of a few feet. She was transported from the scene by paramedics to Centinela Hospital where she died at 7:36 am.

On a lighter note: Congratulations to my sister (and her husband) who successfully delivered a bouncing baby boy early Saturday morning. Tale of the tape: Caleb John; 7 pounds 13 ounces and 20 inches long. I cannot wait to give that kid scotch whiskey, dirty magazines and smokes for his sixth birthday. Maybe even a shotgun.

Labels: crime, death, family, murder, pop culture

• Carrot Top is shredded. Regardless if he is cut out of wood or not, he is still a closeted homosexual. He is wearing scary man mascara, for the love of baby Jesus.
• An Australian model could face a maximum of 15 years in an Indonesian prison for being caught with ecstasy. Based on her picture, I would pay to see her in an Indonesian prison reality show. The program may only air for two hourlong episodes but it would be the best thing to happen to television since the moon landing.
• After overhearing a conversation in the company break room, I thought a filmmaker had finally captured my dream on celluloid: a menage-a-trois sex scene involving bacon. I was disappointed upon learning that it was a menage-a-trois sex scene involving Kevin Bacon and another man. One dick in the room is one dick too many.

Labels: bacon, crime, drugs, gay, link goodness, pop culture, sex

Local serial rapist and child molester Brent Brents has been busy writing letters from prison. Can we please throw this piece of shit into a holding cell with some hardcore gang-bangers from Aurora and then look the other way when they sodomize and jab a sharpened spoon stuck into his neck?

Labels: crime, denver, perversion

An interview with a former television weatherman sociopath convicted for pedophilia. My favorite excerpt:

When you were fat and ugly and they don't pick you for a sports team they beat you up. That's another reason for going up to help him. If anything, I would come up there and just give him a big hug. If he really was who he said he was and in need. I even told him I only had a few hours to spend. I asked him what he liked to eat. He said 'Steak or pizza.' I brought steak and pizza coupons with me. Do you think the federal government used that in their press conference?

Your courtesy on the steak and pizza coupons is duly noted, Bill. Now, keep your hands off the goddamn kids.

Labels: crime, perversion

After the Denver Broncos won Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII, young fans under the influence of assorted chemicals draped in their John Elway and Terrell Davis jerseys took to the streets of Lower Downtown Denver and celebrated in their own special way. That special way included random acts of vandalism, tipping over parked cars, lighting shit on fire and punching each other in the face. It was a magical time that brought the community together. Fans in Boston have celebrated the Patriots Super Bowl XXXVIII victory in this same special way. I will put $20 on this guy being named Sully and using the word "wicked" often in casual conversation.

Labels: crime, denver, sports

The radio just announced an AMBER Alert informing listeners to be on the lookout for an abducted child and said child's abductor; a Latino male, mid to late twenties, wearing jeans and a Denver Bronco shirt and driving a truck. That is not helpful information considering nearly one third of Colorado are Latino males in their mid to late twenties wearing Denver Bronco shirts and driving trucks. That poor kid is doomed unless the authorities get lucky. Here is to hoping they do.

Labels: colorado, crime, denver

Upon reading this, I was reminded of the Apache cut "Gangsta Bitch." It goes something like this:

Snappin' on niggaz takin' no shorts
Sittin' on a porch pullin' on a Newport
Minds her business knows cause she hears things
Fat herringbone and diamond studded earrings
She's a thoroughbred walks and talks with class
Try to get fast she just might slap your ass
Come meet my moms but the two might not click
Parents just don't understand
I need a gangsta bitch

Labels: crime, music, pop culture

Panty thieves ganked five thousand dollars worth of unmentionables at their local Victoria's Secret. I like to imagine that five hot college coeds masterminded a plan to boost the panties because they were unable to afford them and then proceeded to put the stolen panties on back at their sorority house leading to an outrageous pillow fight that lowered their inhibitions and caused them to engage in lesbianism. In reality, disgusting sex offender with bad acne and syphilis probably stole the panties so he could rub them on his face while he masturbated to videos of donkey porn.

Labels: crime, lesbians, panties, porn, tomfoolery

If you want to mess with criminals, lock them away in the prison designed by anarchists. Beds are placed at a twenty degree angle making them nearly impossible to sleep on, floors of the cells are scattered with bricks and other geometric blocks to prevent prisoners from walking around and the walls are curved and covered with mind-altering patterns of cubes, squares, straight lines and spirals which utilize tricks of color, perspective and scale to cause mental confusion and distress. To make the torture complete Kenny G is then piped in over loud speaker.

Labels: crime, music, politics, pop culture