Americans all have their own traditions for the Thanksgiving holiday. The wife and I are usually run in the Turkey Trot pre-gluttony, but in lieu of her being with child, we are skipping this year and instead I am skating in an early morning ice hockey game at Denver University. We will then partake in two Thanksgiving meals; one at my parent's house in the afternoon and one at the wife's parents house in the evening. Sarah Palin, on the other hand, will have a quiet holiday at home, cooking a turkey for her husband and her children named after English towns. This will occur, of course, after some guy slaughters a turkey during her interview with a local television network. We are all different, yet we are all the same.

Labels: america, denver, family, health, hockey, politics, thanksgiving, wife

• Fetal Bites: America's number one fetus cookie cutter. Upon purchase I foresee Scottish Shortbread fetus cookies in my future.
  
• A giant pregnant anaconda is slain. Seeing all those dead anaconda babies strewn about gave me a Temple of Doom vibe as opposed to a JLo/Ice Cube vibe.
• A preview of Steven Colbert's "Another Christmas Song." Colbert has a decent voice and I am guessing the album will kitschy and mildly entertaining ranking somewhere between Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics and The Star Wars Christmas Album (the latter of which I owned on vinyl in my youth).
  

Labels: america, babies, dead babies, food, geekery, link goodness, music, nostalgia, pop culture, wife, xmas

For the first time in American history, a black man has been elected to the highest office in the land (and Colorado is a blue state now! Hooray?). Congratulations President-Elect Barack Obama; may your name and skin color piss off every Southern, backwoods redneck for the next four years. Obama has inherited a mess; the national debt, the mortgage bailout, the Iraq War, the Afghan War, education, health care, the lunatic fringe, etc. I do not like the idea of a welfare state, a national health care plan that I will never use but have to pay into irregardless and punishing companies for making too much money. Mix that in with the fact that I am a pessimistic bastard harboring a healthy distrust for politicians in general and now you understand my mindset. I am hopeful the Democrats will do the right thing for the next four years. If not, I look forward to waiting in line for toilet paper and vodka with all of you.

Labels: america, colorado, history, politics

Cafe Press and I have worked out our differences and are friends again (I am sorry I had sex with your sister, Cafe Press. Really I am). Apparently, my Obama Jesus design too closely resembled that of a copyrighted illustration and Cafe Press, rather than getting slapped with a lawsuit from an angry liberal artist that believes supply side economics are the devil, flagged it and pulled it down. Being the insufferable bastard that I am, I took another stab at the Obama Jesus illustration and think the end result is even more awesome than before.

Labels: america, history, politics

Update: Cafe Press has their panties in a twist over my Obama Jesus illustration and has temporarily taken the store items down while we haggle over their content usage policy via email.

As of post time and last night's presidential debate, I am still undecided on who to cast my vote for come November. My opinion of McCain has changed little over the past few months (still an old war dog) and while I like the idea of Obama (the man, not the Messiah), his rabid, cultish following makes me not want to vote for him. Case and point: while out knocking back a million beers a few Fridays ago with Johnny Ballgame, an intoxicated young woman approached us at the bar and asked for matches to light her cigarette(s). I handed her a pack from the bar ashtray and idle banter soon segued into "Who are you guys voting for?" which segued into her Barack Obama recruitment routine. She informed us shortly thereafter she had been canvasing the area neighborhood on a grassroots campaign to recruit Independent voters to vote Obama. Annoyed at the fact she broke cardinal drinking rule #2 (no politics) and ruined the excellent buzz I had going, I decided to push her buttons. What followed was an eloquent verbal tirade on my part extolling the virtues of one Ralph Nader and concluding with, "I think that is who Jesus would vote for if he were alive today." The young woman blinked, took a drag of her fifth cigarette, pointed her finger at me and quipped, "Fuck Jesus! What did he ever do for this world?! Vote Obama!" and then stormed off. This cute story inspired me to create the Obama Jesus campaign. Do my unborn child a favor and buy as much Obama Jesus gear as humanely possible. Daddy needs to buy some Pampers.

Labels: america, babies, drinking, history, johnny ballgame, politics

I have been consumed with Olympics viewing all week and thereby disturbing my normal sleep and freelance design routines to watch riveting "sports" such as synchronized diving. The thing I did know about synchronized diving is that synchronized showering and synchronized hot-tubbing are a major part of the "sport." The first week of the 2008 Beijing Olympics has shown the world that at least one female Chinese gymnast is underage, sportsmanship is not necessarily alive and well in Olympiad and Michael Phelps is kind of good. Maybe Michael Phelps can teach Carmelo Anthony work ethic before the next summer games so Melo shows up ready to compete on the world stage instead of spending his entire first game on the bench after going 0 for 3 from the field.

Labels: america, denver, pop culture, sports

After reading this I became inspired to write a Chevy Truck commercial:

Cue John Mellencamp's 'Our Country'. Enter drunken redneck sucking down tall boys of Schlitz while driving down a dirt road in a Chevy half-ton pickup truck. Cut to grainy footage of herds of bison being slaughtered by US Calvary Troops in the late 19th century. Cut to drunken redneck lighting a non-filtered cigarette and swerving down the road. Cut to an incapacitated college freshman being date raped at a fraternity house over an American Flag. Cut to drunken redneck losing consciousness behind the wheel. Cut to homeless people standing in a soup kitchen line in the freezing cold. Cut to drunken redneck passing out and running down a hermaphrodite deer with seven legs. Cut to footage of the University of Miami-FIU brawl. Cut to drunken redneck shoving his face into the warm, mangled carcass of the freak deer. Drunken redneck lifts head, looks into the camera, smiles and gives the thumbs up signal as blood drips from his mouth. Drunken redneck slams his face back into the steaming dead animal. Cut to footage of the Oklahoma City bombing, the World Trade Center tragedy and Abu Ghraib prison. Flash Chevy Trucks logo. Fade out to John Mellencamp's 'Our Country'. Fin.

Labels: america, tomfoolery

The 1950s were a simple time. A time when a young man's fancy turned to squeezing off a few rounds on a Winchester 22. A time when a blatant disregard for wildlife and being atop of the food chain was celebrated. A time when women thanked you for killing the hawk that got into the chickens.

Labels: america, guns, nostalgia

Researchers theorize that there is a link between United States economic conditions and subtle changes in Playboy centerfold physiques. Readers seem to prefer stronger looking women in hard times, and softer, more vulnerable types when the market is good. Personally, I like all types of naked chicks no matter what the economy is doing.

Labels: america, boobs, chicks

Iraqi citizens and United States soldiers are currently "toppling" an enormous statute of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad. It took all of three weeks for coalition forces to race across Iraq and roll into the capital city. A temporary interim government will be established eventually making way for an unstable Arab democratic regime friendly to Western economic interests. Those who support the war will have an orgy freedom fest and non-war activists will go on harboring the delusion that their objections will be listened to by their government. A coworker of mine compared the liberation of Baghdad to the fall of the Berlin Wall. I then reminded her of the financial support, weapons and chemicals the United States gave Saddam over the past few decades and of the activities a unified Germany accomplished in the past ninety years (read: World War I and World War II). Sigh. Just another day in the life of an armchair anarchist.

Labels: america, data slaughterhouse, history, politics, war

Today Colorado is getting a light dusting of snow (a subtle amount added upon the foot or so of blizzard remaining from last week). This means that Coloradans will be saying annoying shit like, "We need the snow" when engaging in small talk. We are in the midst of a drought you see, and water levels are low due to the past few mild winters and lackluster spring runoffs. Colorado water levels are also low because of states like California. The Colorado River basin provides water to over 25 million people, 16 million living in California alone. I say we dam up the rivers and horde our crisp, refreshing, life-giving Rocky Mountain juice. If Californians want some water, let them boil the ocean. In conclusion, fuck you, California.

Labels: america, blizzard, colorado, snow

I was in Boy Scouts for a clip when I was a kid. I received a knife safety badge, a silver medal in the Pinewood Derby and went on assorted nature hikes. I have pleasant memories of my time in Boy Scouts, just as I am sure these youngsters will fondly remember the day they found a severed head at the Scout Jamboree.

Labels: america, childhood, death, nostalgia

Despite the objections of the Five Man Electrical Band and Tesla, signs seem to work. When most see a No Smoking sign they abstain from lighting up their dirt sticks. Most people will not park next to a No Parking sign. Society tends to obey signs with a Pavlovian reflex. In Santa Cruz, the Deputy District Attorney ordered all dumpsters be adorned with the sticker No Baby Dumping in hopes that it will discourage reluctant mothers from throwing their babies away. I think this is a good idea and hope it works. If we see a decrease in dumpster babies we should try signs like Absolutely No Murder. Or Gang Rape Strictly Prohibited. Or Do Not Masturbate On The Dairy Products. Why not try it out? My junior high school gym teacher once said that it never hurts to try. Of course, he liked to watch us shower after class but that is not the point. The point is signs work.

Labels: america, bad parents, dead babies, music, pop culture, tomfoolery

Delaware is a miserable little state. Just ask Jonathan Chait, a writer who was caught in traffic on one of their toll roads. He spent countless hours researching why he hated the tiny expanse of land so much. After reading his dissertation, he convinced me that Delaware is a state running amok with backwards legislation and parasitic practices. I now despise Delaware and everything they stand for. Fuck you, Delaware. And while we are at it, fuck you too, Texas.

Labels: america, politics, rage