Christmas came and went without much aplomb; spirits were imbibed, holiday cookies were devoured, presents were opened, kittens went bezerker rage on their stockings and cousins in from Baghdad with an affinity for strip clubs and Heinekens were entertained. The wife got me some new creative direction slippers to keep my feet warm while I command oversea subcontractors from afar and utilize new Apple products in the home office. It appears I will be getting screwed out of another work snow day tomorrow as the Kwanzaa Blizzard rolled into the metro area this afternoon to blanket the foot of snow not yet melted from the Hanukkah Blizzard.

Labels: blizzard, colorado, l-i-v-i-n, snow, xmas

One of the few things that sucks about working from home is you do not get a snow day unless the power goes out. I spent most of the Hanukkah Blizzard aftermath on the phone with my genial new boss going over job duties and procedures. Around lunch the wife and I went outside to dig my car out as the plow company packed a night's worth of snow in front of the community parking area. At dusk we strapped on our snowshoes and went for a trek around Lake Arbor Golf Course. It was a beautiful evening of breaking trail and assuaging cabin fever. Now we are hunkering down for a night of terrible 80s movies (Cocktail is on as I post this), a blasting furnace and Amaretto eggnogs.

Labels: blizzard, colorado, l-i-v-i-n, snow

Today, in the midst of Hanukkah Blizzard, I accepted a Creative Director position with a small design firm in Denver. I will be able to maintain the pants-free lifestyle I have grown accustomed over these past months, as my office will be in my home. I will occasionally venture out for a cup of coffee or a sandwich and maintain connectivity with the world via all form of modern technological accouterment (cell phone, computer, IM, email, carrier pigeon). Other than that, society is officially dead to me. This career path is free of company-wide circle jerks with CEOs who receive Xmas cards from unemployed designers that lie about profits, revenues and layoffs. Once the roads are deemed safe by the governor again, I will be rolling up to the Apple Store to drop some coin on a new iMac and MacBook. Final unemployment statistics: 101 resumes sent and nine interviews all spanning three months, one week and one day.

Labels: blizzard, career, colorado, pants-free, snow, unemployment

One of my all time favorite comics is Archie because it is pure cliche, white bread Americana. I enjoy the simple artwork, the light-hearted story lines and the homoerotic undertones. With each issue I rooted for Archie to either come out of the closet to Jughead or grow some testicles and score with Betty or Veronica (or both). I definitely think Archie could have been the meat of a Riverdale love sandwich if he played his cards right (at the very least he could have pitted Betty and Veronica against one another for more entertaining story lines. I am talking about hot oil bikini wrestling matches, foxy boxing, pudding throwing and latex fashion shows). I even watched the made for TV movie Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again starring Lauren Holly a few years ago. It was terrific in its awfulness and its portrayal of Veronica as a turbo slut vying for Archie's affections by showing up at his house in nothing but a trench coat and lingerie was awesome. Artist Steven Butler is giving the gang from Riverdale a facelift in 2007. I may have to pick up a Double Digest at the grocery store and get reacquainted with the kids when I am laying some foam ropes in the New Year.

Labels: comics

After reading this I became inspired to write a Chevy Truck commercial:

Cue John Mellencamp's 'Our Country'. Enter drunken redneck sucking down tall boys of Schlitz while driving down a dirt road in a Chevy half-ton pickup truck. Cut to grainy footage of herds of bison being slaughtered by US Calvary Troops in the late 19th century. Cut to drunken redneck lighting a non-filtered cigarette and swerving down the road. Cut to an incapacitated college freshman being date raped at a fraternity house over an American Flag. Cut to drunken redneck losing consciousness behind the wheel. Cut to homeless people standing in a soup kitchen line in the freezing cold. Cut to drunken redneck passing out and running down a hermaphrodite deer with seven legs. Cut to footage of the University of Miami-FIU brawl. Cut to drunken redneck shoving his face into the warm, mangled carcass of the freak deer. Drunken redneck lifts head, looks into the camera, smiles and gives the thumbs up signal as blood drips from his mouth. Drunken redneck slams his face back into the steaming dead animal. Cut to footage of the Oklahoma City bombing, the World Trade Center tragedy and Abu Ghraib prison. Flash Chevy Trucks logo. Fade out to John Mellencamp's 'Our Country'. Fin.

Labels: america, tomfoolery

You may recall my web alter ego Matt Brozovich, drummer for Pittsburgh's speed metal outfit Scorn Of Earth (formerly of Headcase and Our Dying Moment). Today I learned that I have another web alter ego, a little league fireballer that hails from Channahon, Illinois. My younger doppelgaenger has a thunderbolt for an arm and brings the hickory to the dish. On April 5 he had three hits including a grand slam and was the winning pitcher in a 9-1 victory over the Rotary Club. On May 9 he hit a three run blast in the 5-2 win over Pizza 4 U. You have a bright future, young Matt Brozovich. Stay off the junk, eat your vitamins and keep your nose clean.

Labels: dopplegaenger, matt brozovich

Last night I took the wife up to Creekside Cellars for her 30th birthday. We sat in the wine cellar all up on the romance-ambiance tip as a marvelous spread of assorted meats, cheeses, olives and wines were laid before us. My old friend Tim runs the joint and we spent the evening killing glasses of wine and discussing the intricacies of wine production, basic chemistry, The Satanic Bible, high school shenanigans and String theory. The highlight of the evening came when Tim tapped a decade worth of wine barrels for us to sample with a turkey baster. If you are ever in downtown Evergreen, I recommend the place for a great night out (be sure to pick up a bottle of the 2003 Robusto. Trust me). If you play your cards right on a winter's night, you will even be able to play some drunken pond hockey on the lake afterwards.

Labels: birthday, colorado, drinking, l-i-v-i-n, wife, wine

My immediate family is now 28% unemployed. My sister was laid off from her job yesterday as nothing says Happy Holidays like a pink slip and a lackluster severance package. While my career is artistic triviality at best, hers is choked full of sexual deviants, pedophiles, predators and substance abusers. No, she is not a politician, she is (was) a caseworker for Colorado Social Services. I am hopeful she will land on her feet in a job with better pay and something easier on her psyche. As for my employment situation: 88 resumes sent, 7 interviews and a lone job offer from the place creative people go to die.

Labels: l-i-v-i-n, unemployment

• A man argues that he cannot be prosecuted for having sex with a deer because the animal was dead at the time of said bestial necrophiliac coitus.
• A cargo container loaded with the Doritos washes ashore after falling off a ship. Fattys riot for the sloppy seconds.
  
• A killer whale acting like a killer whale (save for the act of eating its prey).
• Gingerbread Tie-Fighter.
• Google Video of a limber octopus.
• Awesome architecture, installment one: hotcakes housing project.

Labels: bestiality, link goodness, perversion, unemployment