• Wikipedia for Halloween.
• Halloween costumes for sluts. My personal favorites: Teacher's Pet, Alice In Wonderland, Whore Ballerina, Herpes Care Bear and Bondage Whip Cat Woman. Disturbing items: Homo-erotic Roman Warrior costume and the sexy plus-size costume section (note the complete lack of realistic models that could adorn the "three-man tent tarp" size). A note to sexy costume manufacturers everywhere: Your plus-size section should consist of one costume; a king-size white sheet with eye holes cut out labeled "Sexy Ghost That Eats Too Much."
• Anna Nicole Smith is facing the possibility of exhuming her son's dead body.
• Wikipedia for Samhain (the festival, not the bag of assholes band Glenn Danzig fronted after the dissolution of the Misfits).
• Outsiders soliloquy performed by a talentless hack for the now dead Stanley Kubrick.

Labels: halloween, link goodness

A snowstorm is dumping a blanket of thick wetness across the Denver metro area today. I'm sitting in the warmth that is a firing furnace and blown out slippers, sucking down a tall mug of coffee that could strip paint, gazing out out the back door and watching vintage Ricardo Montalban Chrysler commercials. It's a good day to be alive and unemployed.

Labels: colorado, snow, tomfoolery, unemployment

After watching a provocative commercial during an episode of Judge Mathis, I am now contemplating a career in Medical and Insurance Billing. According to the real-life testimonial, the pay is decent, I can live the life I want and I will be joining the fast-paced world of health care. Advanced data entry rules! Stay tuned tomorrow when I will be debating a career in the fast-growing field of Aircraft and Aerospace Technical Maintenance.

Labels: tomfoolery, unemployment

Bob Arno makes a living studying pickpockets. A pickpocketing career would be a good move for an unemployed deviant like myself. If you invite me over for a barbecue and I squirt mustard all over you shirt and gank your wallet please don't get angry with me. I am just doing my job, baby.

Labels: tomfoolery, unemployment

• The sex trade is booming in post-Katrina New Orleans.
• Face tattoos are the mark of the unstable, drug addicts, idiots or criminals that have nothing good to offer society. I present you Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
• Patricia Arquette spilling out of her dress.
• Wikipedia for the Battle of the Trebia, the first major battle of the Second Punic War.
• A teacher who worked in the public school system for two decades after she was caught kissing and groping a 13 year-old student at an middle school dance, became pregnant by a sophomore in high school who she married upon his graduation in 1985 and invited her teenage son's 15 year-old friend to move in with her and then seduced him.
• Map of US Fatalities in Iraq (by home of record) as of October 2006.

Labels: link goodness, unemployment

After two days of throwing myself into the much-needed redesign of Broz Design, I ventured outside this morning to greet the garbage man with my trash. I did not set the trash cans out last night because of strong winds that would have knocked the trashcans over and strewn a weeks worth of dead soldiers, junk mail and steak gristle about the common area. That, and the sweet old woman across the alley turns into the garbage Nazi if you leave your trashcans out for more than a day or do not secure the lids to your refuse containers. I like Eleanor and do not wish to get into a fistfight with her so I respect her unwritten rules regarding the trash. The garbage man is a genial Hispanic fellow who speaks broken English and wanted to chat about the unit that burned down.

"See that burnt place over there?"
"Yes."
"Hard to back up garbage truck in there now."
"Because of all the charred debris and temporary police fence and shit?"
"Si."

The fact that I am posting this inane drivel only reinforces that fact that I really need a job.

Labels: tomfoolery, unemployment

I heard back from both companies I interviewed with last week. Company #1, located in Downtown Denver, gave me the "I just want to be friends" routine via email. Classy move. Maybe you should hire my ex-girlfriend She Who Will Not Be Named, Company #1. Like you, she is a cold-hearted bitch with no regard for social etiquette and would thrive within your corporate culture. Company #2, located near the Governors Mansion, offered me the position and I turned it down. Sure, it would be nice to start working again and sock away my severance booty towards a Mexican holiday with the wife, but something told me to stay away from that place. Perhaps it was the HR lady wearing sneakers, the invasive personal questions regarding my values or the "We do not use Macs" line that turned me off. All I know is that I ignored my instincts far too long while languishing at the data slaughterhouse and I refuse to ever do that again. In more interesting news, a neighboring town home burned down a few days ago. It appears as if the firewall did its job and kept the whole unit from succumbing to the flames. Good times.

Labels: data slaughterhouse, she who, unemployment, wife

Last night I watched the Avs home opener from a luxury suite at the Pepsi Center (the boys lost to the Stars 2-3 in OT). The old man, Jake, Nels and Aaron were also in attendance. My pops was responsible for the hook up as he procured the tickets through assorted work connections. The suite came equipped with a private bathroom, assorted domestic beers, food platters, period-by-period stat sheets and a computer with internet connection. Our luxurious time was surrounded by famous radio personalities with fake cans (Clear Channel suite next door), one drunk fan trying to start an "AVS RULE!" cheer (seats below us) and the now infamous silver bucket of happiness. The life of an unemployed artist is glamorous and fulfilling.

Labels: colorado, hockey, jake, sports, unemployment

My day of interviews was enjoyable and seemingly successful. In between trips in the car and long, boring dissertations on design and inspiration, I got the feeling both places seemed mildly interested in my abilities (one interviewer even inquired about where he could get a Your Mom hockey jersey). It is also just as likely that the interviewers tuned me out upon my first mention of "color schemes" and "corporate identity" and thought about the bills they had to pay and the puppies they had to strangle later. I feel really good about one of the companies that was not in Governors Park and hope they hire me before I have to turn my attractive new wife out for groceries.

Labels: unemployment, wife

My third week of unemployment will include two web design job interviews; one in the heart of downtown Denver which is a block off the 16th Street Mall and the city's main bus depot (I'm all about the public transportation) and one a few blocks away from Govnr's Park which has amazing happy hour beers and a Slider Basket that would make Wimpy cry (the Won Ton Juans are equally as glorious). Keep your fingers crossed that one of these interviews will pan out before my severance runs dry and we will be subsisting only on a meager public school teacher's income. The wife has yet to wear tattered clothing and babble incomprehensible phrases while standing over a barrel fire, but I can assure you that that time is nigh, my friends. Onto an unemployed artist's browser history:

• An anti-NCAA Hazing website where images of basketball chicks wearing blindfolds and sombreros while drinking from a beer bong and snorting things off the floor live.
• Nate Dogg makes a Wolverine costume for Halloween. Hijinks and homoerotic posing ensue.
• The unluckiest man alive.
• Wedding cake in the form of the Great A'Tuin.
• A guy who loves his Starbucks a little too much.
• Jimmy Dean chocolate chip pancakes and sausage; on a stick. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
• Colorado Avalanche season preview.

Labels: link goodness, unemployment, wife