Labels: movies, pop culture, unemployment
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September 26, 2006
Crazy For Swayze And Phone Interviews
Today I reached the "30 Resumes Sent" benchmark and I plan on celebrating by taking a nap immediately after posting this. Thus far I have heard back on six resumes and have a phone interview this afternoon with a company who's identity I will protect until I either get a job offer or am denied employment based on my affinity for the movie Road House. (On a related note, I ordered Road House 2: Last Call through Netflix and it will be arriving via mail tomorrow. I am hoping it has much of the same goodness as the first installment: mullets, fighting, boobs and a human throat being violently torn out with somebody's bare hands. I will be sure to keep you posted). All things considered, a 20% contact rate on my resumes is not bad. Granted, 80% of the 20% are "I just want to be friends" rejection emails (which harkens me back to my freshman year of college) but that is not important right now. What is important is that I do not have to shave for a phone interview. The time is nigh for an unemployment nap. Have fun at work, suckers.
September 21, 2006
Marathon Man
I just got back from an appointment with the oral surgeon for an errant wisdom tooth that was going the way of the cavity. The tooth in question was tucked behind a mass of muscle and bone next to another wisdom tooth. The tooth was impossible to reach with a brush and even more difficult to put a filling in so the obvious solution was to yank it out of my head. Being as my health care benefits run out at the end of September, the time was nigh to do so. Even under happy gas and Novocain, I felt extreme pressure, a violent tug and impressive agony as Doctor Mengele extracted the diseased tooth with his medieval dentistry devices. As I post this, my mouth is packed full of gauze, I theorize to having swallowed a shot glass of blood and I am sitting on a prescription of Percosets in case I go all Mary and cannot handle the pain. It could have been worse, I suppose.
September 19, 2006
Go Matty, It's Your Birthday
Today I am 31 years old and will be celebrating another year of life by watching Judge Judy, sending off ten resumes, having a lunch plate of spaghetti with my mom and entertaining numerous offers for well paying and exciting design jobs. The wife has some big plans for me tonight. She still feels guilt over last year's birthday when she was sick and fell asleep on the couch early in the evening while I drowned the passing of my third decade in cheap, domestic beer at the local watering hole with a jackass named Tyler.
Labels: birthday, l-i-v-i-n, sg crew, unemployment, wife
September 18, 2006
Butchering The Brady Bunch
My former coworkers and I have been waxing philosophically on all manner of things over the past week. This picture of vintage supermarket butchers spawned the following diatribe from DJ:
Do you want to work for the Food-O-Mat? Because I kind of do. It's the uniform. Chicks dig a man in uniform. Those were the days; when you could trust your butcher. You wanted a steak, you got a goddamn, corn-fed, natural raised cow slaughtered with love, gently carved up by Americans using American chainsaws, producing a piece of meat the butcher was happy to hand you and you were proud to serve your family. Shortly after this picture was taken I'm pretty sure Alice (the housekeeper from The Brady Bunch) started banging Mel the Butcher and suddenly the butcher was a star and too busy to take pride in his work. Eventually all the butchers were trying to bang housekeepers. With nobody around to keep the ranchers in check the quality of meat went down and the terrorists started winning. I'm not saying Alice and The Brady Bunch aided the terrorists or brought us into our current war, but they were there, man. They were there. Labels: dj, tomfoolery, unemployment
September 15, 2006
An Unemployed Artist's Browser History
Labels: link goodness, unemployment
September 13, 2006
Death Rides A Pale Horse
Yesterday I was called into the CEO's office and was introduced to the Angel of Death (the Corporate HR Manager) and asked to sit down. I was informed that my position was being eliminated in a "10% workforce reduction." We then went over my severance information, COBRA benefits, standard employment reduction fare and I agreed to not take a flamethrower to the place. I was then escorted back to my cubicle to gather some personal effects. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as I exited the building and proceeded to drive off for an expensive cup of gourmet coffee that tasted like dried Orangutan ass. I dialed up the wife, the parents, and a few of my "former" coworkers to tell them the news. I made it no secret that I was unsatisfied with the company and had been sending resumes off for sometime now. During five and half years I languished under the direction of multiple bosses, the workload of two designers, a fundamental culture shift from a tight-knit family towards a huge, worldwide mega-corporation, watching as good people with great ideas quit or were vilified, bad people with political agendas took over, consultants we could not afford shuffled in and out the door and morale plummeted. I was also blessed to work with some of the most awesome and genuine people I have ever known. A more complete collection of perverts, jackasses and alcoholics I have yet to come across and doubt I ever will again. I appreciate the excellent camaraderie (some days it was all that kept me going), the long-lasting friendships that will endure long after the company closes its doors and the near uprising that was launched when my crew first learned of my fate. I wish those other unfortunate 10% well as their severance packages were not as healthy as mine and more akin to a smack in the face with a ballpene hammer. Where do I go from here? I have no clue. I plan on doing a lot of soul-searching, painting, reading, job hunting and reveling in the fact that I do not have to work at that fucking place anymore.
Labels: l-i-v-i-n, unemployment
September 11, 2006
9/11 In Retrospect
Five years ago I was merging onto the Boulder turnpike on my way into work when a news report came over the radio that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. The previous day, I was a pallbearer at my grandfather's funeral. By the time I walked into the office, both towers were toppled, the Pentagon was hit and "heroes" had taken over a flight bound for the White House and crashed it into rural Pennsylvania (another likely scenario is the plane was shot down by F-16s with cruise missiles and the hero story was disseminated to various media outlets to cover the Air Force's collective asses). My employer sent us all home shortly thereafter, as the tragedy became too overwhelming for anyone to focus on work. My parents called to check on my mental well-being and maybe just to hear a familiar voice. I spent the rest of the day as I imagine most other Americans did; dumbfounded, sad, angry, confused, emotionally drained and awash in bourbon. The months that followed the tragedy were a sickening whirlwind of paranoia, conspiracy and jingoism. The dust settled from the towers and the Bush Administration subverted democracy (or the illusion of democracy) for American's "safety." Left wing patriotic zealots clashed with right wing patriotic zealots and the brief moment of "togetherness" Americans felt was dashed away. Hatred and intolerance for Muslims boiled over. A military campaign to capture Osama Bin Laden was sent into Afghanistan and as of yet has not been successful. A war in Iraq was started under false pretenses. Those opposed to government policy were labeled "un-patriotic." Americans remain dependent on oil and the hard-line theocratic regimes that export oil. American soldiers are dying for an administration that does not seem care about them. What have Americans learned from the September 11 attacks? Difficult times reveal a leader's character or expose their character flaws? A selfish culture focused on money, possession and triviality is understandably not accepted and even hated by some? The September 11 attacks were a horrific tragedy, and no matter how many memorials we construct, how many we kill in the name of retribution and how many laws are passed "ensuring" our safety, it seems evident to me that we have not learned a goddamn thing.
September 06, 2006
Corpse Lovin'
Me: Then there are these fucking guys.
Jake: I like how you lead into that. Me: (bows). Jake: Dude thought the obituary picture was cute? Never mind that she died in a motorcycle crash. Me: Yeah. She's dead, fellas. How about you try to tap the living, first? Jake: Well, I would rather they try this than rape Tommy's little sister. Me: I would rather them not rape anybody, dead or alive. I do like how they bought condoms. That was thoughtful. Jake: Yes. You don't want to catch maggots. Me: Or get the corpse pregnant. What were the other dudes going to do while their boy got his Ted Bundy on? Jake: See if he liked it and then take a poke if it was any good? Me: Yeesh. There are sloppy seconds and than there are sloppy seconds with a dead body. That is the lowest rung on the sexual deviance ladder. While we're on the topic, I'm thinking they should have bought some lube with those condoms, too. Jake: Totally. Me: You know, a guy I play hockey with kind of looks like one of those animals. His name is Dave. He probably has sex with the dead, too. Jake: Nice.
September 05, 2006
Bottom's Up
Other stuff that fuels binge drinking in the West besides boredom:
Labels: /mark, link goodness
September 04, 2006
Hasselhoff Loves Poop
The Germans are an odd and perplexing people; with their dreams of world domination, love for the Hasselhoff, Coprophilia obsession and pubic hair print panties.
Labels: pop culture, tomfoolery
September 01, 2006
Labor Day Weekend Link Goodness
Labels: death, link goodness |