On 4/20 at 4:20, students with an affinity for weed at CU Boulder decided to have a smoke out at Farrand Field. While they were taking pulls of hippy lettuce and barking at the moon, video surveillance caught them doing what they do best. My comments:

• It is called shampoo and a hairbrush, cheeba monkey. Give them both a try.
• College usually takes seven years when you are majoring in law, medicine or burning out.
• C Thomas Howell ala Red Dawn enjoys some kind. WOLVERINES!
• A Pearl Street Mall regular.
• Experts claim that marijuana is the gateway drug. In this instance, let us hope it is a gateway to a long and glamorous career in porn.
• Tonight on a very special Doogie Howser: Doogie tries smoking grass.
• Um, yeah.

Labels: boulder, drugs

Portland, Oregon is a gorgeous city resting on the banks of the Willamette and Columbia Rivers. If the future wife and I were looking to move there, I am certain I could find work with the local police department as a sketch artist.

Labels: career, tomfoolery, wife

• Meth addict attempts suicide via nail gun. Hijinks ensue.
• A photo journey through the post-nuclear wasteland of the former Soviet Union. Inspired by the twenty-year anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster.
• In my life, I have found there to be only one indisputable truth: Journey's Escape is the equivalent of musical panty remover.

Labels: cold war, drugs, link goodness, music

Blender's 50 worst things to happen to music.

Labels: music

I am in the midst of contemplating some major career decisions. These past six months have been the worst of my professional life and that includes my first year out of college when I was laid off twice and commuting fifty miles daily in a car with no air conditioning. Needless to say, I have been sending out resumes with the subtlety of a self-immolating Buddhist monk. I have started a morning ritual of meditating in my car before I go into the office to put myself in the right frame of mind. The ritual goes as such: I take a deep breath and think about starving children in Africa whose villages are torn apart by famine, disease and death. I take a deep breath and think about young female amputees scared for life by land mines and the memories of having sex with zealot soldiers consumed with hate just to survive a civil war. I take a deep breath and think about heroin addicts living on the streets who were born into unloving, drug infested homes where they were physically, sexually and/or mentally abused. Then I call myself a pussy, put my experience in perspective, sack up and go into the office dreaming of the day when I will finally get rid of that fucking car without air conditioning. Recent developments have me hopeful this will happen very soon. Now on to more important things; like Eastern European broads wrestling in their panties. Spoiler: The match is decided when the brunette puts the blond in a nasty head-scissor lock.

Labels: career, perversion

• Subversive Easter uses for the over-sugared marshmallow confection commonly known as Peeps: The crucifixion and coverings for your naughty bits.
• Mall Easter Bunny throws a rabbit punch.
• A map of the United States that breaks down religion by state and county. Individual religious maps can be viewed here.

Labels: easter, link goodness, religion, tomfoolery

Hair metal dissertations that tug on the old Steelheart:

• Mr. Sun on the Scorpion's Rock You Like a Hurricane.
• Izzle Pfaff on Whitesnake's Here I Go Again.

The Here I Go Again video filled my pubescent years with countless hours of masturbatory fodder. Tawny Kitaen's ruby tresses flowed in the wind as sheer linen robes exposed her bulbous breasts and buttocks while she stretched and gyrated her limber body all over the hood of David Coverdale's car. It was a sight to behold. Unfortunately for Tawny, this was the zenith of her career. Soon after she defiled that black muscle car, her life and looks degenerated in the magical world of happy dust, prescription medication and attacks on her ex-husband with a shoe.

Labels: drugs, music, tomfoolery

The 15th Great Easter Bunny Hunt will commence this weekend in New Zealand. Teams of shooters will converge on the country's rabbit population and an Easter bloodbath will ensue. Nothing says 'Christ Has Risen' like animal extermination (except for maybe the Jesus Chops). I would love to participate in this event because I am fucked in the head. I know Jake is down.

Labels: easter, jake, killing

• Eunuch tales. Nothing wakes you up on a Monday morning like the visualization of getting your coin purse lopped off with a Burdizzo.
• Impoverished children in Pakistan ride a ferris wheel made of trash.
  
• How Awesome Will It Be? Pretty fucking awesome, Susie! Unless a demon feasts on your entrails before Jesus makes it down for his second tour that is.

Labels: link goodness, poverty, religion

Me: Britney's birthing statue from the back end.
Kaye: Why? Why would anyone do that? That is so disgusting.
Me: I think they should have made it interactive, like the fetus shooting out of the womb or something.
Kaye: Sick.
Me: The fetus dives back into the birth canal to get its Cheetoes and cigarettes. Then it shoots back out to become a terrible back up dancer that thinks it can rap. Finally, it goes back in to find its fleeting youth and shoes so it does not get hepatitis from walking barefoot across a public bathroom floor.
Kaye: Ha!

Labels: im convos, kaye, pop culture

• Take that, you cocksucking creationists.
  
• The reason the Duke Lacrosse season was suspended indefinitely. It is one thing to call strippers bitches and threaten to skin them; but if you do these things while "cumming in your Duke issue spandex" then you have crossed the line.
  
• Seven famous songs with factual or logical mistakes in the lyrics.

Labels: link goodness, music, science, sports

It is official; I have won the March Madness office pool for the second time in five years. Special thanks to the Wichita State Shockers, the Georgetown Hoyas and Glen "Big Baby" Davis. I plan on buying the future wife a pretty little dress and a steak with all the extra cabbage.

Labels: gambling, sports, wife