A bulleted list on what bothers me about this link:

• A clown can be sexually arousing.
• An advertising professional going by the nickname Kazoo.
• Den Fujita, the first McDonald's Japan president, waxing on diet and skin color: "The reason Japanese people are so short and have yellow skins is because they have eaten nothing but fish and rice for 2000 years. If we eat McDonald's hamburgers and potatoes for a thousand years we will become taller, our skin become white and our hair blond."

I have just three words for McDonald's Japan: Giant McSquid Sandwich.

Labels: pop culture

You may remember Silvia Johnson, the pride of Arvada's parenting community. After learning life altering lessons from her previous legal misadventures (read: giving teenage boys free dope and sucking them off), Silvia filled an SUV with adolescent children and gave the wheel to a young, unlicensed driver. Hijinks ensued.

Labels: a-town, bad parents, colorado, silvia johnson

This morning in the break room one of my 23 year-old coworkers was wearing a Catch 22 shirt. I remarked how I loved the book and her eyes got glassy like she just bonged a box of Franzia. She than sighed and said in the most demeaning tone, "Catch 22 is a band, Matt." So now I am off to walk the mall in beige Velcro shoes, hit the early bird at the Sizzler and then fall asleep in the easy chair before dusk watching reruns of Matlock.

Labels: age, tomfoolery

Slow your roll, Rita; slow your roll. According to one batshit weatherman in Pocatello, Idaho, this years busy hurricane season is not the result of a natural 25-30 year cycle or global warming; instead it is the handiwork of the Japanese Mafia using a Russian-made electromagnetic generator to launch terrific storms against the US mainland as revenge for the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. Sounds about right.

Labels: crazy

One morning after a hard night of drinking, the wife and I had the misfortune of being sucked into Drumline on the digital cable. The film is about a band director who recruits an inner-city drummer from the mean streets of Harlem to play skins at a fabricated, big name southern university called U of the South or Big South University or something. After spending half of the movie being "benched" (does anyone know the proper term for being pulled from the starting lineup of a marching band?) for a poor attitude, our protagonist Devon helps Big Southern University of the South win the coveted national band championship during the climatic drum-off. I longed for the movie to end with senseless violence; like Devon's boys from Harlem clashing with a local street gang in the stadium and a gun battle ensues whereby Old Big University of the South's band is wiped out in the crossfire and Devon sits on the field clutching his bloody entrails falling from a mortal wound in his stomach screaming "WHY? WHY?" Alas, the film did not even end with a good old fashioned rumble and everybody lived.

Labels: hangover, movies, pop culture, wife

Today marks the third decade that I have been alive. If you forgot to get me something please refer to my Amazon Wish List or throw me a dollar bill as if I were a skank stripper named Midnight working the day shift at a seedy club in North Denver who is two months pregnant and has three sex partners tattooed on her arm. People of note who share my birthday:

• Victoria Silvstedt (Playboy playmate)
  
• Debbye Turner (Miss America 1990)
  
• Trisha Yearwood (Country Singer)
  
• Joan Lunden (Cohost, Good Morning America 1980-1997)
  
• Jeremy Irons (Actor)
  
• A tattooed, red-headed ordained minister that resides in Los Angeles.

People of unworthy of sharing my birthday:

• Jimmy Fallon (Alleged Comedian)
  
• Matthew Perry (Alleged Actor)

Labels: birthday, strippers

• The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine: Installment Five. I would also like to add the obligatory "Fuck the Flyers" for any hockey fans (Jake, Gary) who may harbor the delusion that I cheer for that asshole organization that took Foppa away.
• Pierce Brosnan requests that James Bond sex scenes be more explicit. I think he sums it up best: "What Bond needs is a good, palpable killing sequence and a good sex scene." I can get behind that, Mr. Brosnan.
• Jason Sehorn should be beaten with a sock full of quarters. Seriously. Marc Bulger over Tom Brady? The only thing that guy ever did right was landing this.

Labels: hockey, jake, link goodness, perez, pop culture, sports

• For those who want to go John Conner ala Terminator 3 and live off the grid, here is a step-by-step guide on how to disappear in America without a trace.
• Horror stories from the piercing industry. Be sure to have fully digested your lunch.
• I can now say that I have seen a tiger and a lion getting it on.
• Satire meets reality. The former link is my second favorite Onion article next to this.

Labels: link goodness, pop culture, science, tomfoolery

• A recipe for backcountry disaster: sleep deprivation, painkillers, alcohol, an abscessed tooth and moonlight four-wheeling.
• This weekend there was a brawl at the Olive Garden that is within walking distance from of house.
• The Denver Broncos were the only NFL team to go undefeated in the 2005 Pre-Season which led to fans throwing around terms like "Solid all around" and "Championship contenders" before the season started. Enter this past Sunday. Now fans are throwing around terms like "It was too hot" and "It is just one game." Getting beat by the Kicking Mule and last year's NFL doormat is no way to start the season.

Labels: colorado, fighting, link goodness, sports

As my Dad used say when I over celebrated any minor sporting success, "Act like you have been there before." I think these words of wisdom definitely apply to this situation. A good rule of thumb at a strip club:

Strip clubs have two rules. Do not touch the dancers, and when "Cherry Pie" fades out and "Pour Some Sugar On Me" starts up, your lap dance is over.

Labels: dad, strippers, tomfoolery

• Rest easy poor hurricane evacuees. According to Barbara Bush things are working out very well for you.
• The best anti-looting sign ever.
• Hurricane holdouts in the French Quarter have formed tribes for protection. I am expecting to see Master Blaster rolling down Bourbon Street with a chain saw any time now.
• Three students from Duke pose as journalists, drive into New Orleans and evacuate seven people. Great quote: "We found it absolutely incredible that the authorities had no way to get there for four or five days, that they did not go in and help these people and we made it in a two wheel drive Hyundai."
• Images of black Louisiana people doing something besides starving or looting.

Is it just me or has the news has been quiet regarding the hurricane aftermath in Mississippi? Katrina did destroy the entire Mississippi coast, after all. Maybe the lack of news coverage is related to this: "They [The three Duke students] traveled through the Mississippi cities of Biloxi and Gulfport. They say they elected to keep going because it seemed like Mississippi authorities had things well in hand."

On a related note: My coworker Matt is down in the gulf coast region rescuing people from the aftermath of the storm. Folks around here are loving the fact that he procured a pontoon boat from someone who works at our parent company in Little Rock.

Labels: holzmann, hurricane katrina