Wisdom from Pam Anderson:

1. Espresso gets the job done. It goes right to your nipples!
2. Do not buy into all the anti-aging secrets. It is a conspiracy. We are all getting older so accept it. Do not waste your money on loads of products.
   

Sound philosophical advice from a woman who has been pulled, inflated and stretched more than a piece of taffy.

Labels: boobs, pop culture, tomfoolery

Katrina is an evil bitch and not anything like the other Katrina we all know and love.

Labels: hurricane katrina, pop culture

A doctor gets in trouble for calling a patient obese. Does the truth hurt, you sloppy bitch? If you can get off your ass to file a complaint then you can get off your ass to get on an elliptical machine.

Labels: health

13% of an Ohio high school's student body is heavy with child. The other 87% are waiting for their turn.

Labels: education, sex

• Carrot Top is shredded. Regardless if he is cut out of wood or not, he is still a closeted homosexual. He is wearing scary man mascara, for the love of baby Jesus.
• An Australian model could face a maximum of 15 years in an Indonesian prison for being caught with ecstasy. Based on her picture, I would pay to see her in an Indonesian prison reality show. The program may only air for two hourlong episodes but it would be the best thing to happen to television since the moon landing.
• After overhearing a conversation in the company breakroom, I thought a filmmaker had finally captured my dream on celluloid: a menage-a-trois sex scene involving bacon. I was disappointed upon learning that it was a menage-a-trois sex scene involving Kevin Bacon and another man. One dick in the room is one dick too many.

Labels: bacon, drugs, link goodness, pop culture, sex

Everybody loves kittens because they are cute, lovable and affectionate. It is tragic that they cannot stay kittens forever. Well they can I suppose, but I meant without stuffing them into a bottle and super gluing their asses shut.

Update: The Bonsai Kitten is an obvious hoax so rest easy future wife and Kaye. I just could not resist the golden opportunity for a super-glued cat's ass joke.

Labels: kaye, kitty, tomfoolery, wife

• Indisputable proof that porn cannot be stopped. Resistance is futile.
• Exposed genitalia will make its long awaited debut in Japanese cinema later this month. It saddens me to think that generations of Japanese adolescents missed out on full frontal nudity in R-rated films. I do not know where I would be today without Porky's and Revenge of the Nerds. Maybe into church or doing missionary work in third world countries. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
• Jenna Jameson has a community outraged over her takeover of a local strip club. Said one area resident opposed to the purchase: "Maybe when she finds out what a bunch of rabid nutcases she has living in the area she will just go away." Jenna Jameson is in the porn industry and used to working with rabid nutcases. Being as said rabid nutcases are usually going down on her, things are about to get interesting in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Labels: link goodness, porn

• A man annoyed by an incessant car alarm unloads a pistol into the offending automobile to silence said alarm and gets arrested? He should be getting a medal for outstanding community service.
• Posh Spice has admitted to never reading a book. I am sure you are all as shocked as me.
• How to maintain a cordial relationship with your neighbor dying of cancer: Paint "Die You Miserable Bitch" on the side of your house.

Labels: link goodness, pop culture, tomfoolery

Regular scotch is good but stock option scotch is the tits. The stock option check came my way due to the company I work for getting "acquired."

Labels: data slaughterhouse, liquor

Mow that lawn, bitch. You mow that lawn and think about what you have done.

Labels: pop culture

• 1000 years of power, chain mail armor and a broadsword apparently are not enough to combat a tazer.
• Quote of the day: "A waitress is no longer allowed to wander around a beer garden with a plunging neckline. I would not want to enter a beer garden under these conditions."
• Tommy Lee is glad he chose alcohol over Pamela Anderson. Quote of the day number two: "I did not want to give up drinking because I believe I can have moderation in my life." Wise words from a man who once overdosed on heroin and shot up with Jack Daniels.

Labels: boobs, crazy, drinking, link goodness, pop culture

A new school in Milwaukee has been opened for the victims of bullying and harassment from other children. Their school mascot will be Kurt Cobain and they will never be good enough to win a city championship in basketball.

Labels: education

Links Jake would have sent me this morning if he was not unplugged in Boston:

• Diseased monkeys threaten San Juan, Puerto Rico.
• A cockfight grenade attack.
• Pig tattooing.

Labels: death, jake, link goodness, monkeys, tattoos

• Nothing good comes from patronizing a strip club in the middle of the day (except maybe $60 dollar hand release from a broke single mom who sees your cock as a means to an end). If you do not believe me in this matter click here.
• This is why I taught my sisters how to spit out the window of a moving car.
• I get crazy competitive on the putt-putt course. I will talk tremendous amounts of smack, gloat over good shots and try to humiliate my opponent with superior putting. Thankfully, I draw the line at body-slamming children.

Labels: link goodness, sports, strippers