This kid got off easy. As a youngster, my parents never gave me the option of getting out of the car. If they pulled over solely because of my antics they would have smacked me, called me a spoiled brat and told me to behave.

Labels: bad parents

The NHL unveiled a new logo for the upcoming season. Notice how the text direction was merely flipped from the old logo and the orange was replaced with cool, metallic and unnecessary grayish-blue gradients. I could not be happier that professional hockey is back (the future wife is even more ecstatic as she will not have to endure any more NHL Classic games on Altitude) but I have only two words for the new logo: very pussy.

Labels: hockey, sports

A gold spray paint huffing bender leads to the greatest mugshot ever.

Labels: drugs, stupidity

• To say the Japanese are not fanatical about young girls underwear would be like saying the Nazis did not hate the Jews. Case and point: intricate fiberglass carved panties.
• Bolivian wrestling. Or Lucha Libre if you prefer.
• Ben Saunders: Athlete, adventurer, motivational speaker and attempting to make an 1800 mile trek across Antarctica with no dogs, vehicles, kites or re-suppling. There is a reason that man-hauling across the Antarctic continent has only been tried once in 93 years, it is called Robert Scott.

Labels: history, link goodness, panties, sports

A list of active NFL players that were featured in Nintendo's Tecmo Bowl and Super Tecmo Bowl. It is my opinion that Super Tecmo Bowl ranks in the upper echelon of early 90s video game perfection just under Sega's NHL 95.

This weekend the wife and I attended a house warming party where the drunken host, Tyler, broke out his Nintendo console for a fix of Super Tecmo Bowl. I played in two games going .500 for the evening. I took the Kansas City Chiefs to victory in game one, dismantling my opponent with ease as the Nigerian Nightmare shredded the feeble defense of whoever it was I was playing against (the team escapes me as I was six gin and tonics into the evening and up by two touchdowns before I could blink). In game two I was handed my ass in a rematch of Super Bowl XXIV. I foolishly chose the Denver Broncos (who could not win a big game in this era if their lives depended on it) and a young, mistake-prone John Elway tossed four picks to give the 49ers a decisive victory.

Labels: geekery, sg crew, tyler, wife

Insane? No. Mentally ill and making a fourteen year-old boy the undisputed king of his middle school? Yes.

Labels: education, perversion, sex

Girls Gone Grabblin'. Enough said.

Labels: chicks, tomfoolery

An eating disorder expert was caught doing whippits at a local supermarket. Two things bother me about this:

1. A 49 year-old woman is doing whippits at a local supermarket. She is 49 years old for the balls of Jesus. She can afford to do better than a cheap inhalant high at the grocery store. Have some respect for yourself and get hopped up on goofballs or drink a bottle of cheap vodka like McCormicks.
2. How does one become an eating disorder expert? Is there an accreditation process? Do you have to spend a month with Lara Flynn Boyle to become qualified?

Labels: disease, drugs

Me: Cory Feldman is itching to be in a rock opera.
Monica: When all else fails, try the rock opera.
Me: I got news for Corey Feldman. There is only one man that can pull of the rock opera and his name is Meat Loaf.
Monica: Well, you cannot blame him for trying.
Me: Oh yes I can. A rock opera is nothing to be trifled with. It takes equal parts falsetto voice, sequined jumpsuits, frilly man-blouses and rhinestone unitards.
Monica: And Corey Feldman does not fit that bill?
Me: No, my friend. He most certainly does not.
Monica: Certainly you jest, but did you see his frilly attire on the Surreal Life while getting hitched?
Me: No.
Monica: He wore a pirate shirt and man tights, Matty.
Me: Interesting.
Monica: Now, I realize you cannot fuck with the rock opera formula. I am just saying, for a fancy boy, Feldman fits the bill.
Me: You may have swayed me. One thing troubles me, however; can Feldman sing?
Monica: Does it really matter?
Me: That settles it then. The time is nigh to write a rock opera for Corey Feldman. I will call it A Celebration of Corey. It will be the story of his life set to musical score: his childhood, Stand By Me (accompanied by a tear-jerking on-stage reunion with Wil Wheaton), his days on smack, The Lost Boys, the suppressed memories of Jacko molesting him, his marriage to stalkers and then, for the grand finale we will call Corey Oblivion, a duet with Mr. Corey Haim.
Monica: Yes!
Me: Now all I have to do is learn how write a music.

Labels: im convos, mons, pop culture

Oliver Stone is making a movie about the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center. Stone on the project:

It is a work of collective passion, a serious meditation on what happened and carries within a compassion that heals.

Read: There will be a naked Indian and a shitty Doors song somewhere in the film.

Labels: 9/11, movies, pop culture

• Red Scare comic book propaganda from the 1960s. Especially enjoyable is the letter from J. Edgar Hoover to the kids.
• A man sues for the right to be drunk on private property.
• Pro Skateboarder Danny Way jumps across the Great Wall Of China becoming the first person to clear the wall without motorized aid.

Labels: comics, drinking, link goodness, sports

Local serial rapist and child molester Brent Brents has been busy writing letters from prison. Can we please throw this piece of shit into a holding cell with some hardcore gang bangers from Aurora and then look the other way when they sodomize and jab a sharpened spoon stuck into his neck?

Labels: crime, denver, perversion

Islamic terrorist attacks hit London's public transport system during the morning commute. Damn. Send some love to our Limey friends across the Atlantic.

Labels: death

Wife Carrying; the only sport in the world when having an amputee for a partner is an unfair advantage.

Labels: sports, tomfoolery

• A mother has sold her face and dignity for a tattoo advertisement. She says the money will go to her son's education because he is falling behind in school. If the kid inherited his mom's brains then I can understand why he is falling behind in school.
• Takeru Kobayashi has won his fifth consecutive hot-dog eating title retaining the coveted Mustard Yellow International Belt.
• Stella's "groove" consisted of a scheming homosexual, embezzlement and duplicity.

Labels: gluttony, link goodness, pop culture, stupidity, tattoos