Sexual repression is alive and well in our nations schools. Rather than implement a zero tolerance policy against dry humping, I say to implement one against stupidity.

Labels: education, sex

It is a dreary day in Denver today as the sky is overcast and it is raining. This somber backdrop seems to have affected my mood as I find myself reading soul-crushing links about the lives of juvenile sex crime investigators. Not surprisingly, most pedophiles have an affinity for Star Trek.

Labels: denver, funk, geekery, perversion

The United States is locking down its southern border in attempts to eliminate the smuggling of drugs, weapons, people and bologna.

Labels: politics, tomfoolery

• A slide show on two penguins that had to pass through airport security.
• A case study on what happens when one has too much disposable income.
• John Daly at the practice range enjoying a non-filtered Camel mid-swing.

Labels: link goodness, sports, tomfoolery

I know that residing in a trailer park is not easy. The unskilled labor market is a series of ups and downs; one day work is easy to come by, the next you are at home sucking down a fifth of Old Grandad and chain smoking Pall Malls wondering where the hell you went wrong. Before you know it, you are diagnosed with cancer. Instead of sitting down and evaluating your life with some thought and introspection you decide that you are going to "go out crazy." That is fine by me. Go out crazy. Shoot up a giant hit of smack. Jump from an airplane with no parachute. That is crazy. Fucking your sister? That is going out disgusting, not crazy.

Labels: open letter, perversion

A new pope, Benedict XVI, has been chosen. In the Vatican, the former cardinal has been the driving force behind crackdowns on liberation theology, religious pluralism and challenges to traditional moral teachings on homosexuality and women's ordination. In short, the Church of Rome has just elected a right wing, stubborn old man who will probably yell at kids playing soccer in St. Peter's Square and feed pigeons breadcrumbs laced with rat poison in order to "shut them up." Pope Benedict XVI is exactly what the Catholic Church needs right now; a hard-line, unwavering traditionalist who will protect pedophile priests, maintain the misogynistic status quo in Catholicism and continue to condemn homosexuality and birth control. Benedict XVI also bears the distinct honor of being the only pontiff in history who was once a Hitler Youth.

Historic Papal Fun: Curious as to why popes chose new names for themselves during their Pontificate, I ran a "pope" throug Wikipedia. Not only did I learn about the naming process*, I boned up on sexually active popes, Antipopes, African popes and a period of Papal history known as Pornocracy, or Rule of the Harlots. Good times.

* Starting in 535 AD, the Pope has customarily chosen a new name for himself during his Pontificate. The names are not based on any system other than general honorifics and have been based on immediate predecessors, mentors and political similarity.

Labels: history, religion

• Architectural projects for the Soviet Union (circa 1930-1950) that were never realized. My personal favorites: The Palace of Soviets and The Aeroflot Building.
• Carmen Electra's Advanced Aerobic Striptease.
  
• The ten biggest threats to Earth and life as we know it. I am hoping humanity does not get wiped out by a viral pandemic (too boring) or terrorists (too cliche). If anything, I am pulling for a super volcano to rain down ash and fire on us or for hyper-intelligent robots to turn our planet into a goddamn apocalyptic nuclear wasteland like in The Terminator.
• The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine: Installment Four.

Labels: death, hockey, link goodness, pop culture, science, sex, sports

• A chimpanzee in a South African zoo has taken up smoking.
• Liberian soldiers wear wigs and women's clothing believing it will protect them in battle.
• The DEA has released the 2005 Drugs of Abuse handbook. Especially enjoyable are the chapters on Hallucinogens (8) and Inhalants (9).

Labels: drugs, link goodness, monkeys, tomfoolery, war

Today Colorado was hit by a late season snowstorm. I am refusing to acknowledge this storm as a blizzard even though all the news stations are. The future wife was out running errands this morning and she reported that the roads were not bad (half of the stores she went to were open and the other half were closed; including the local coffee shop which meant that Daddy did not get his Sunday morning latte). I drove across town this afternoon to play in a hockey game and the roads were wet but mostly clear. The rink was closed due to the storm. Can you believe that shit? A hockey rink closed due to the snow? Sacrilege. This is not a blizzard. March 2003, now that was a blizzard. I was snowed in for two days and the power was out. Open up the coffee shops and the hockey rinks you goddamn tourists.

Fuck you, snowstorm that is not a blizzard.

Labels: blizzard, colorado, snow, wife

I like the way Michael Vick plays NFL football with the running and the throwing and the eluding of pass rushers the size of Mack trucks. I also like the way Michael Vick, er, Ron Mexico, gives the ladies herpes.

Labels: pop culture, sex, sports

Rapper C Murder is changing his professional name to C Miller because he thinks people misunderstand him and perceive him as a killer. I do not think it is the name that makes me think C Miller is down with homicide so much as it is the conviction and mandatory life sentence for second degree murder.

Labels: death, music, pop culture

I believe it is important to take care of your appearance. Especially when it comes to bleaching your ass.

Labels: random, stupidity

The pontiff is no more. Rumor has it the next pope may be Latin American. Me? I am pulling for a Jew. Rest in peace, JP the Deuce. We hardly knew ye.

Labels: death, religion

I have heard many urban legends on how to pass a breathalyzer test while intoxicated. My favorite came from a friend in high school who was convinced that sucking on a penny after a night of hard drinking would magically erase the alcohol on your breath (it is a suburban thing, holmes, you would not understand). Whenever he was leaving a party befuddled, he would pop a penny in his mouth, start sucking on it and confidently strut out to his car to drive home. Unfortunately, he was never pulled over so his theory was never tested. It could have been worse, I suppose. He could have been stuffing his own feces in his mouth in an attempt to foil the test.

Labels: a-town, drinking, tomfoolery