A gallery of winners at the International Beard and Mustache Championships. Your madness pleases me, Joachim Ott.

Labels: random, stupidity

1. A Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash
2. Police On My Back by The Clash
3. Roses by Outkast
4. Welcome To Planet Motherfucker by White Zombie
5. King Of Rock by Run DMC

Labels: music, technology

I took a brief hiatus from the MB to travel to Glenwood Springs and get engaged. I apologize that the site has been as barren as an old Hebrew woman's womb and I was unable to satisfy your lust for links about high school girls fighting and Whitney Houston entering rehab for the second time. On with the magical engagement story.

The now future wife was under the impression we would be enjoying a relaxing three-day holiday in Glenwood Springs, Colorado. She was unaware that I had been plotting for months to drop the engagement hammer on her during the trip. Thanks to my ninja-like discipline, I managed to keep the entire engagement process a secret and accomplished the following tasks without her knowledge:

• Shopping, purchasing and hiding the ring.
• Asking her parents for their blessing.
• Keeping the many individuals involved in Operation Engagement Hammer quiet and maintaining radio silence.

Operation Engagement Hammer began on March 23 as we set out for Glenwood early in the morning. Being as I was a nervous wreck and only had gotten a total of two hours sleep the night before I had to stop for a large colon-destroying latte to keep me going.

We made it to Glenwood in two and half hours and arrived at the historic Hotel Colorado, a place that has hosted the likes of Teddy Roosevelt, William Howard Taft, Al Capone and Patrick Swayze. Our check in time was at four o'clock, so we decided to hit the head and then hit one of the many snowshoe trails surrounding Sunlight Mountain (11 miles outside of Glenwood proper).

The weather was miserable; it was spitting rain, snow and hail and the sky was overcast. By the time we hit the trail head, I was a nervous wreck and the weather was set to ruin a component of Operation Engagement Hammer. I checked my pocket where the ring was for the umpteenth time and then I started freaking myself out. Did I remember to put the ring in the box before we left the house? Did I ever take the ring out of the box? Did I put on deodorant this morning?

Operation Engagement Hammer had to succeed. I have never been this happy with anyone. I knew from the beginning that my now future wife was the one. She understands that I am a perverted, beer-swilling bastard that enjoys pornography, hockey, books about war and depressing, soul-crushing documentaries on HBO about crack addicts in love (thanks for the referral on that one, Gary) and she is alright with it. In fact, in spite of all that, she still makes me muffins and is sweet to me.

The trail grew strenuous and the ring began weakening me like Frodo Baggins in Modor. After awhile, the clouds broke and the sun came out. I started looking for a good spot to implement the final phase of Operation Engagement Hammer. A voice that sounded like R. Lee Ermey started screaming in my head: "Quit playing grab-ass and do it now, soldier."

As I started questioning my sanity (my inner-monologue was shouting at me like an angry drill sergeant and I felt that was reason enough to evaluate things) the now future wife found the spot for me. "Look Matty! Look how beautiful the view is!" I look out to the where she was pointing and she was right. The view was amazing.

The sun was now unobstructed by clouds and the wind had stopped blowing. The moment of truth had arrived. I dropped to my knee, fumbled in my pocket and said, "Will you marry me?" The now future wife stood there, dumbstruck. She did not see it coming. Operation Engagement Hammer had achieved total surprise. It took her a few minutes of convincing that I was serious. "You can say yes anytime, honey," I said. The realization of the moment finally hit her and she started jumping around. "Yes, Matty! Yes!"

I do not remember much from the rest of the hike except for a wonderful feeling of euphoria. I know that she is the one I will be spending the rest of my life with and the fact this does not scare me nor keep me awake at nights is the reason why it is right. By the time we made it back to the car, the now future wife was more excited than a kid off of her Ritalin on Christmas morning. We spent the rest of our week in Glenwood relaxing in the hot springs, getting massages, visiting Doc Holliday's grave, walking hand-in-hand and generally being all stupid in love.

On our last night in Glenwood, I had a wonderful dream of her and I, many years from now, our eyesight failing, wearing adult diapers and bragging to each other about our new plastic hips and bowel movements but still very much in love.

During the two and half hour car ride home, I grinned ear-to-ear as she planned most of our wedding. Goddman, I love that girl.

Labels: colorado, engagement, l-i-v-i-n, perez, wife

A study recently concluded that the homeless and unemployed prefer and abuse malt liquor. Yeah. No shit.

Labels: drinking, homeless

If you are fiending for a hit of crank when outside the safe confines of your meth lab, do not panic. The local K-Mart provides the ingredients and an ideal place to cook up; a public restroom.

Labels: drugs, stupidity

Monica: The Gay card.
Me: That is funny.
Monica: "I would like to pay for it with my Platinum Rainbow, please."
Me: For the homosexual that likes to advertise their sexuality with every purchase.
Monica: That is a really good tag line.
Me: Thanks. "I will take a pack of menthols and a box of Good 'N Plentys. And yes, I am a homosexual."

Labels: im convos, mons

• I enjoy having a penis.
• I am going to be all Top Jimmy on the treadmill tonight.
• There are two advantages to being with a woman who just had a baby. First, the oversized breasts would be fun to smack around. Second, you have a natural milk source around if you need a squirt in your Raisin Bran and do not feeling like driving to the grocery store.
• I wonder if the two-headed baby is doing okay.

Labels: random

Thanks to Jake and the good people over at Joyent, the MB is humming like an old lady in line for the early bird special at Country Buffet. Over the weekend, I spent a good chunk of time drinking, working on freelance activities and setting up Broz Design.

On a related note: It took over an hour to cancel my web hosting service. After attempting to close the account online (due to errors on their end I was not able to), I had to call customer support. I was placed on hold and transferred between departments for almost an hour until I finally reached a competent customer service associate. She apologized for the run around and for Yahoo! not contacting me when their rates dropped. She then refunded my last two payments and made a humorous and deprecating remark regarding her current employer. In short, Yahoo! Web Hosting (except for the capable customer service associate Julie) sucks the sweat off of a dead donkey's balls.

Labels: geekery, technology

The MB will be experiencing down time for few days as I ditch Yahoo! Web Hosting* and make the transition over to Joyent. Until then entertain yourself with this:

• Four men steal a goat, beat it to death with hammers, butcher it and then trade the goat steaks to a drug dealer named Smalls (he uses the meat to feed his fighting pit bulls) for crack.
• German artist Gunther von Hagens wants to build a corpse art factory. The girlfriend and I will be in Chicago the same time his exhibit Bodyworlds is showing. I will have to talk her into going to see it (Read: Vanilla Stoli).
• A woman digs up the remains of her ex-boyfriend to spite his family. She adds insult to injury by drinking the beer and smoking the cigarettes that were buried with him.

*After being a loyal customer for just under five years, Yahoo! Web Hosting failed to inform me that my package was lowered five dollars nearly six months ago and did not bother switching me to the lower rate automatically. After emailing Yahoo! about this oversight, they responded with an auto-generated email thanking me for my inquiry. In short, Yahoo! Web Hosting sucks the sweat off of a dead donkey's balls.

Labels: death, drugs, geekery, rage, technology

Addendum to my escalator preparedness rule: Make sure your escape plan includes a way out of a hooded sweatshirt.

Labels: death, tomfoolery

A step-by-step illustration of how to apply the Kung Fu technique called Monkey Steals the Peach.

Labels: fighting, tomfoolery