Arvada, Colorado is the place where I grew up, attended school, played little league baseball, rode my bike to the swimming pool during the summer and went to Cub Scout meetings. It is also the place where I developed a penchant for whiskey, made a living on girls with low self-esteem and watched alcohol-fueled punks fight almost every weekend. It is the same place where Silvia Johnson, self-proclaimed "cool mom," just got busted for providing teenagers with drugs, booze and sexual favors.

Yeah. That is my hometown.

Labels: a-town, bad parents, childhood, colorado, drinking, drugs, silvia johnson

A righteous image gallery of meth addicts at the beginning and than during the zenith of their addiction.

Labels: drugs

Much like a keg of PBR in a university fraternity house or Paris Hilton on an aircraft carrier full of cocaine, I am tapped. I just do not have it today ("it" referring to the creative magic that makes me money and causes the ladies undergarments to moisten). While searching for inspiration that was non-porn related, I found a video of the best hockey fight I have ever witnessed. Then Jake sends over Jam On It by Newcleus. Any moment now I expect Turbo to bust out the storage room and do the electric worm past my cubicle. Things are starting to look up.

Labels: fighting, hockey, jake, music, pop culture, tomfoolery

I like to start my Monday mornings with serial killer art reviews and images of a bloated and detoxed Courtney Love. That Nightstalker sketch looks like something the stoner who sat next to me in junior high detention drew on his desk.

Labels: pop culture, serial killers

Wil: I think if I could be reincarnated, it would be as a hot chick.
Me: That would be cool. I would get giant fake breasts, rub my implants endlessly, smoke cigarettes and do cocaine off Jenna Jameson's ass.
Wil: Absolutely. I would do everything off her ass; fold clothes, eat a TV dinner, etc. It would be like my coffee table.
Me: Yeah, that is a good idea.
Wil: Keep a nice candle and a jar of potpourri on there. I would even make my guests use coasters.
Me: And no putting out smokes in her orifices.
Wil: No. That is not cool. I would be totally respectful.
Me: Well, as respectful as one can be using another's ass as a coffee table.
Wil: Right.

Labels: im convos, pop culture, wil

Anti-seatbelt activist loses his debate. An excerpt:

In a column written for the Daily Nebraskan in September, Derek attacked seat belt laws as intrusions on individual liberties and expensive to enforce. "It is my choice what type of safety precautions I take," he wrote. "There seems to be a die-hard group of non-wearers out there who simply do not wish to buckle up no matter what the government does. I belong to this group."

I wonder if these were Captain Liberty's last thoughts before his head splattered all over the interstate. I wear a seatbelt but not because there is law saying I have to. I buckle up because in the event of an accident, I do not want to exit my automobile at sixty miles per hour skull first through the windshield. Spending my formidable years eating through a straw and having loved ones empty my colostomy bag is not very appealing.

Labels: death, stupidity

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Instead of celebrating (read: laying on the couch, drinking beer and watching Black Caesar on the digital cable) the life of one of the most important leaders in American history, I had to work. We only get a day off at the office for important historical figures if they owned slaves.

Labels: data slaughterhouse, history, tomfoolery

Boy meets girl. Boy douses girl with gasoline. Boy throws a match on girl. Girl suffers horrific burns. After months of intensive treatment and physical therapy, girl wants to work things out with boy.

Labels: feelings, stupidity

According to Men's Fitness Magazine, Houston is the most overweight city in the United States and Seattle is the healthiest. Colorado has two cities listed in the top five for the most fit: Colorado Springs (3) and Denver (5). We represent from a mile-high, America. On the other end of the spectrum is Texas, which has three cities ranking in the top ten for the most fat: Houston (1), Dallas (6) and San Antonio (10). It is called proper diet and exercise, you fucking whales. Stop eating so much Carl's Jr., get off your cousins and take a run around the neighborhood or something.

Labels: colorado, denver, health, rage

It takes an abundance of stupidity, mental illness and distorted views on sexuality to commit any act of bestiality. It is too bad for society that this rottweiler was raised in a loving environment and seemingly docile. I would have much rather preferred that sick fucker tangling with an animal that had been chained to a tree and beaten regularly. I am guessing the abused dog would have been far more aggressive and at least bitten his cock off.

Labels: bestiality, stupidity

Dig on the new look for the MB. Then dig on the best porn DVDs of 2004 and skanks from Utah that give hair cuts in their bikinis.

Labels: boobs, chicks, new years, porn