My Thanksgiving holiday was pleasant, fattening and free of stabbings. My lady and I ran the Turkey Trot in the morning and then spent the rest of the day being gluttonous hogs. Big comedy was delivered via the grandmothers as we kept vigil over the basted fowl:

Grandma #1: (describing her recent cataract surgery) It was like a psychedelic nightmare.
Grandma #2: I do not like anybody who takes drugs when they do not need them.

Labels: family, gluttony, health, l-i-v-i-n, thanksgiving, wife

Chuck Norris does not have anything on karate chimp.

Labels: fighting, monkeys, tomfoolery

Forty-one years ago today, Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly assassinated John F. Kennedy. Due to the magic of the internet, kids can now relive the moment by participating in an interactive reconstruction from the perspective of Oswald's scope. Mafia/Communists/Government be damned!

Labels: death, history

It is called a Free Clinic for a reason. And for the record, I think Baseball Bat Abortion would be a great name for a speed metal outfit.

Labels: dead babies, music

In the midst of the NHL lockout, the Altitude Sports Network (carrier of Colorado Avalanche) has resorted to showing classic NHL games. Last night I watched Patrick Roy face a career high number of shots in a 2-2 tie versus the Toronto Maple Leafs in 1997. I think I have hit rock bottom. Next, I may be seen on an episode of Cops running down the street wearing nothing but a throwback Colorado Rockies jersey, drunk off Canadian Mist whiskey, fresh from smacking my lady around screaming, "It was not Claude's fault! Draper was skating with his fucking head down!"

Labels: colorado, hockey, wife

Me: I am going to post this.
Monica: Yikes. Anna Nicole is a train wreck. That is almost too bad to post. The Joe Namath fall from grace, now that was funny. Posting this would be like kicking a three-legged dog or getting footage of Courtney Love stoned and flashing her junk. Been there, done that.
Me: Good point. But the posting well is dry. I would apply this same logic if I ever needed a slump buster and was forced to pick up trash like her at a strip club. Inner monologue would go something like this: "Sure, she is a disaster. I mean she works at a strip club, a place where drug addicts, perverts and sex abuse victims work and hang out. But damn, I am in a serious dry spell here. I will just give her a handful of painkillers. Maybe then she will not cry after sex. Much."
Monica: Fair enough. I just do not understand the allure is all. Of course, I do not have a penis either.
Me: Sometimes it is just as simple as "Hey, look at those fun bags!"

Labels: drugs, im convos, mons, pop culture, strippers

Rest in peace Ol' Dirty Bastard. We hardly knew ye.

Labels: death, music, pop culture

Can somebody please lob a live hand grenade in Tommy Lee's direction? The fact that he has procreated, fashions his hair with kinky white man dreads and makes music that sounds like a 300-pound wolverine getting sucked into a jet engine should be reason enough.

Labels: music, pop culture, rage

Jake: Giant squids.
Me: The giant squids are taking over.
Jake: Yes. I have long thought that tentacles were the only things that might trump thumbs.
Me: Regardless, we still have the larger brain.
Jake: Yeah. But you give the same brain to a species with thumbs and to a species with tentacles and the tentacles just might be more useful than thumbs.
Me: Agreed. Squids could definitely hold more weapons with their tentacles. This is assuming of course, that they become amphibious, run aground and grow giant brains.
Jake: Right. I mean, they could spread just one tentacle over an entire keyboard. In order to compete with that, we would have to type with our fingers, wrist and elbow.
Me: Can they control sectional elements of their tentacles? Like in the instance of typing?
Jake: I think so. A tentacle is not sectional though. I think it is just a big bunch of muscle.
Me: So they cannot type?
Jake: I think they could.
Me: I am not sure. I am going to need to see a cross section of a tentacle in order to determine.
Jake: Here you go.
Me: That settles it. The squids can type.

Labels: im convos, jake, science

I am elated the 2004 election is over with. No longer will I have to bear mudslinging commercials on television, political signs (eyesores) hammered into front lawns, a mailbox stuffed full of propaganda and B-list celebrities telling me to get out and vote in between episodes of Pimp My Ride and Laguna Beach (thanks for the voting advice, Alyssa Milano. Now go fight a scary pretend warlock in a bad mask while wearing a sports bra). With John Kerry losing the election to Bush, all I have to endure now is four years of liberals whining about how Bush and his administration are fucking things up and right wing extremists telling homosexuals they cannot marry, blocking stem cell research and detaining anyone who has the handle "Mohammed." God bless America.

Labels: politics

It all starts when the Boulder police department is called in to break up a large block party due to rampant underage drinking (a party in which the City of Boulder gave permits for). Party-goers become angry because their Constitutional right to free assembly has been violated. This is not the moment to think rationally. The time is nigh for angry mob justice. Tip over a car and light it on fire. Throw missiles at authority figures and drunken revelers. Get tazed, tear gassed and shot with rubber bullets. The next day, after being bailed out of jail by your parents, read a dissertation on the evening news about excessive police brutality.

Labels: boulder, college, colorado, drinking