The Miami Herald has been following All-State high school linebacker Willie Williams on his recruiting trips to various colleges. So far he has visited Florida State, Auburn and Miami (all these links are worth reading. Trust me). Some excerpts:

Willie on spinach dip: "I told them I ain't no animal, and I ain't going to eat no plant. But they kept pushing it toward me. It was disgusting. I told them I'm from Miami. I don't eat that. You farm people are used to it, but not me.''

Willie on Coach Coker's ride: ''Coach Coker looks like an old guy in his 50s or 60s, but he's real cool. When he talks, he sounds like he's 18 or 20. And when I saw he was driving the Escalade, I was like, dang, coach got some taste.''

Willie on his accommodations: "He took me to the hotel. This place was beautiful, nicest place I've ever stayed. It was called The Radisson. I was impressed.''

Willie on his future: ''UM looks like it has a real good business school. After going on these trips and living like King Tut, I think business is something I want to get into.''

Willie on the Bowdens: "Coach Bowden was cool, but Ms. Bowden was the bomb. I swear, she must be related to Betty Crocker or something. When we walked into that house, it was like walking into a Publix Bakery; banana pudding, chocolate cake, cheese cake. I had one of everything. I didn't want to leave.''

Labels: college, sports, tomfoolery, willie williams

"I'm not gay. I'd like to clear that fact up right now."

Labels: gay, quote of the day, sports

Thanks for the link karma Gary. I hope you never forget what Milan Hejduk did to Nikolai Khabibulin in overtime.

Labels: hockey, perez

The presidential election is fast-approaching and once again the Democrats seem clueless (Howard Dean screaming like a maniac after a third-place finish in Iowa) and Republicans seem content with believing delusions of grandeur (next time just say "We want the fucking oil" and I will have no complaints), I am casting my vote for Ronnie James Dio.

Labels: music, politics, pop culture

This video speaks for itself.

Labels: chicks, tomfoolery

"I am and always will be Knight Rider until I die."

Labels: pop culture, quote of the day

Joe Namath's drunken shenanigans on national television made him re-think some things about his life. Things like slurring "I want to kiss you" twice in two minutes to sideline reporter Suzy Kolber who was only asking his opinion about quarterback Chad Pennington.

Labels: drinking, pop culture, sports

Jordan is proof positive that big tits equal notoriety.

Labels: boobs, pop culture

"I'm sure his heart is in the right place, but stunt men usually put on flame-retardant suits."

Labels: quote of the day, stupidity

Nels: I have not had fun since the early nineties.
Me: Really? What did said fun entail?
Nels: Ballerinas and monkeys dressed up in Civil War costumes.
Me: Well who could not have fun with ballerinas?
Nels: Monkeys dressed up in Civil War costumes.

Labels: im convos, monkeys, nels, tomfoolery

The boys from work got together last night for a low stakes game of Texas Hold 'Em. I made out with the big stack, B-Dawg turned a tidy profit, Neal got lucky on the last hand that made his night respectable and I knocked Jake out of the game with a monster full boat (aces and sixes) to his strong two pair (kings and aces). EZ delivered the big funny of the evening after I turned him out like an abusive pimp than began to verbally humiliate him he shot back with, "I think you were circumsized to high." He is lucky I do not have a god complex at the card table ala Joe Pesci in Goodfellas otherwise I would have ended the night digging a hole somewhere in a vacant lot between Denver and Boulder.

Labels: data slaughterhouse, ez, jake, poker

The radio just announced an AMBER Alert informing listeners to be on the lookout for an abducted child and said child's abductor; a Latino male, mid to late twenties, wearing jeans and a Denver Bronco shirt and driving a truck. That is not helpful information considering nearly one third of Colorado are Latino males in their mid to late twenties wearing Denver Bronco shirts and driving trucks. That poor kid is doomed unless the authorities get lucky. Here is to hoping they do.

Labels: colorado, crime, denver

This ukulele rendition of the Super Mario Brothers theme song just made pine for some old school NES action. In junior high I bought a used Nintendo from my friend with the money I saved from my summer job at the swimming pool. It was a great investment. Many Super Mario Brothers battles ensued with my sister(s) that followed this basic formula:

Turn on the NES game console and select a two-player game. Sister(s) achieves first player status due to birth rite (this procedure was established years previous with Pac-Man on the Atari). Sister(s) starts turn, runs full speed into the first enemy on the board and dies. I assume control, proceed to play my turn for the next two hours whereby sister(s) has lost interest and found something else to do allowing me to play sister(s) when I finally die.

It was a glorious time.

Labels: family, geekery, music, pop culture

If you are thinking about taking LSD first consider this scenario:

You are sitting in a booth at the neighborhood IHOP and it is three in the morning. Patrons in the restaurant look like zombies from an all-night eatery of the damned. You are staring at the syrup rack because there is something "fucked up" going on with the strawberries. Your idiot friend is sitting across from you, cigarette hanging from his mouth with a two-inch ash and is pounding the table because demons are coming out of the knots in wood.

I now urge you to reevaluate your decision. If you are still going to drop Acid at least do something productive while under the influence. Like draw pictures. Or pitch a no-hitter.

Labels: art, drugs, sports

Kids are such pussies nowadays. All I know is if I would have seen a severed arm in the fifth grade, it would have changed my life.

Dad: We bought you a new bike. One of those BMX jobs with the cool racing checkerboard frame guards and back wheel pegs.
Me: Cool. Can I get a severed arm with it, too?
Dad: Only if you fuck around and ride it like a jackass.

Labels: childhood, dad, tomfoolery

I was involved in an uncomfortable situation in the company break room this morning. I was making a vat of cocoa (and when I say vat, I am not fucking around. I swooped up a Brew Keg from 7-11 that holds fifty-five ounces of hot liquid. On a cold bitch of a morning like this, it holds me together like steel) when a fellow employee walks in. I have my back turned to him, so I ask him how his holiday was (being as I had the past two weeks off). We engage in lighthearted banter and I turn to look at him and immediately notice that his eye is swollen shut. Needless to say, I was taken aback. He notices the look of horror on my face and acts as if I offended him and walks away. Well excuse me, Mr.Sensitive but your fucking eye is swollen shut. Should I act like I did not notice? Christ.

Upon further reflection I was then reminded of an even more uncomfortable social situation I experienced. I was out barhopping in lower downtown Denver. I consumed many spirits and was feeling loose but focused. Our group eventually made its way to a dance club, which was peculiar because nobody in our group liked to dance. We waded through a sea of sweaty young people contorting their bodies to shitty house music and bellied up to the bar. After a shot or four, I decided to hit the dance floor and fuck some shit up. Nobody joins me; not even the women in our group. So there I am, drunk, alone and swaying on the dance floor. I feel somebody rubbing on my ass. I glance back and notice an attractive female smiling at me. We proceed to engage in what the kids call "bumping and grinding" for almost an hour nary saying a word to each other. Finally, I become parched and invite the young lady to the bar offering to buy her a drink. She informs me that her and her friends are getting ready to leave but thanks me anyway. I ask her if I can get her number and take her out sometime. She smiles and then reaches in her purse for a pen. She hands it to me and I write her number down on a cocktail napkin. I reach out to shake her other hand (now keep in mind its dark in this club and I am totally obliterated so my powers of observation are skewed) and instead I grab a stump. She did not have a fucking hand. I jump back, completely surprised and utter, "Holy shit! Where is your fucking hand?!" She stares at me for what seems like an eternity and then says, "You are an asshole." Good times.

Labels: college, data slaughterhouse, denver, drinking

In case you are wondering why there has been a lack of posts on the MB lately, wipe the holiday crust out your eyes and look around. I have been busy designing a newer and sleeker MB. Please be patient with me, as I will be tinkering with layout, colors and comments in the coming weeks like a greaseball mechanic with a mullet and a pubic hair mustache tinkers with a '68 Mustang in a filthy garage with nudie pictures all over its walls.

Labels: geekery