My lady and I were laid up with colds for most of the Thanksgiving holiday. Luckily we did not catch the death flu. While we were able to eat Thanksgiving dinner, our heads were so full and stuffed up that tasting the meal was another matter. I spent most of my illness boozed up on NyQuil, sleeping and watching daytime television. NyQuil does some funky shit to your subconscious mind. I had some strange dreams when I was serving my green master. The most bizarre was when I dozed off watching the Peoples Court and dreamed that my lady and I were attending the Westwood College of Aviation with Scott Weiland (I think he was on Maury Povich that day) and Judge Marilyn Milian. Watching my lady, a judge and a heroin addict rebuild an airplane carburetor was a thing a beauty.

Labels: l-i-v-i-n, pop culture, thanksgiving, wife

Upon reading this, I was reminded of the Apache cut "Gangsta Bitch." It goes something like this:

Snappin' on niggaz takin' no shorts
Sittin' on a porch pullin' on a Newport
Minds her business knows cause she hears things
Fat herringbone and diamond studded earrings
She's a thoroughbred walks and talks with class
Try to get fast she just might slap your ass
Come meet my moms but the two might not click
Parents just don't understand
I need a gangsta bitch

Labels: crime, music, pop culture

Drinking contests are not a good idea. Someone always ends up vomiting. Or dying.

Labels: death, drinking, tomfoolery

This subway ride is boring. I need to do something to spice it up. I know what I will do. I will open this door and climb on top of this bitch and ride it the rest of the way home. It will be like surfing. This is going to be so cool. My friends are going to remember this for the rest of their lives.

Labels: death, drinking

"I had been drinking a little bit that night. And they pretty much wanted to try it, like kids always do."

Labels: drinking, quote of the day, stupidity

"I whipped him with a switch and a belt. I never beat him. You beat someone with a stick."

Labels: bad parents, pop culture, quote of the day

Christian Slater has a hot wife who happens to be a tornado of crazy. I have had numerous experiences with juicy psycho girls (thankfully, I completed my tour of the crazy bitch circuit in college) and here are two of the best:

• During my freshman year of college I was dating a girl I will call Skank Bait. Skank Bait and I dated for a few weeks, during which time, she asked me if I would be her date to the autumn formal dance. Not only do I hate formal dances, I hated most of the kids I went to college with (they were children of privilege who looked down upon crusty, blue collar kids like me who took advantage of the free tuition benefit given to children of the university's employees). I had yet to have familiar relations with Skank Bait, so I assumed my attendance at this event would be the deal closer. Skank Bait invited a male friend of hers from Colorado State to be a date for her roommate. Skank Bait failed to inform me and her roommate that she was currently involved in a serious relationship with said male friend from Colorado State. Only the voices in her head and her psychiatrist know why she invited us both to the formal (my guess is it was an inability to trust brought on by emotionally abusive parents which caused her hurt people before they hurt her, but I digress). Skank Bait's roommate and I quickly sized up the affair, so we got drunk at the bar and ignored Skank Bait and her male friend from Colorado State most of the evening. Skank Bait's roommate and I decided to leave. Skank Bait sees us getting on the elevator, runs over to me, grabs my wrist and starts raising her voice and making a scene in the lobby of the hotel. I remove her filthy meat hook from my forearm and she screams, "Don't you ever fucking touch me!" At this point, male friend from Colorado State enters the fray getting in my face and saying, "Get your hands off of my girlfriend!" He proceeds to put up his dukes in preparation for fisticuffs. I laugh at him as the elevator doors close. The highlight of the evening comes on the walk back to the car as Skank Bait's roommate and I smoke cigarettes with a pack of drag queens on the 16th Street Mall that tell me I look "decent" in a tie. I never talk to Skank Bait again and Skank Bait's roommate gets a single dorm room shortly thereafter.
• During my senior year of college I ran into a girl I will call Dishrag Whore while shopping at the local mall. I had been fond of Dishrag Whore's fantastic body ever since I ogled it for an entire semester during a statistics class, so we exchanged numbers and decided to meet for drinks sometime. The next night Dishrag Whore calls me and we met up for beers at a local watering hole. Things end up going extremely well and the night ends with us hitting skins in a sweaty heap of meaningless joy atop her bed. Post-coitus, Dishrag Whore breaks down and cries for reasons known only to the voices in her head and her psychiatrist (my guess is our sexual encounter triggered a latent memory buried deep within her subconscious regarding sexual abuse at the hands of a friend or family member, but I digress). I never see Dishrag Whore again, but for the next two months, she calls me to discuss the following topics:
• Why she liked to drink a pint of vodka over the course of a day.
• If I knew of any good places she could score some blow.
• Why she would have sex with Jesus if he were alive today.
• If I would be interested in a three-way with her and her fat friend.

Labels: 16th street mall, college, colorado, crazy, denver, drinking

Jessica Simpson may be getting her own sitcom. This goes to show you that being a sitcom actor takes about as much talent as picking up an apple with your ass. Come to think of it, it probably takes more talent to pick up an apple with your ass. Now there is an idea for a television show. I guarantee people would tune in to watch Jessica Simpson pick an apple up with her ass. An ABC spokesperson claims that, "Jessica has infectious energy and unmistakable star quality. She also has a built-in fan base in both music and television which is a great jumping-off point for us." Read: She has big tits.

Labels: boobs, pop culture

Update on Big Lurch; The MB's favorite aspiring rapper who smokes angel dust and eats bitches lungs.

Disturbing Aside: I forgot when I wrote my initial post on Big Lurch. Instead of sifting through my blog archives due to my laziness, I decided to Google "eating a bitches lungs." I chuckled as I hit enter thinking it was a long shot at best. The MB is the number one search result. The internet is magical.

Labels: crazy, death, drugs, music

The NASA Voyager missions were launched in the late 1970s. The unmanned spacecrafts are now on the edge of the solar system and are the most distant human-made objects in the universe. Voyager I carries a golden record and record player with greetings and information about Earth for extraterrestrials. Voyager II also maintains the awe and splendor of late 1970s technology, being equipped with a golden 8-track tape deck and a golden rotary dial telephone with cord.

Labels: science, technology

Until this link, I thought my dad had the coolest facial hair in the world when he sported thick mutton chops and a mustache that rivaled Magnum P.I.'s in the early eighties.

Labels: dad, pop culture, tomfoolery