Kaye: Do you participate in office birthday celebrations? Are they not the worst?
Me: Yeah. Happy birthday wishes to someone you could give a shit about.
Kaye: We all have to stand around and pretend like we care.
Me: Happy birthday you stupid fucker! The only reason I sang to you is because I get free cake.
Kaye: Ha! Yes. It is all a bunch of shit.
Me: Hurry up and cut the cake, jerks. Matty does not care how old this person is and that cake looks like it has some Snickers bars on it.
Kaye: Mmmmm. Snickers bars.

Labels: im convos, kaye, tomfoolery

I remember my sex education classes in high school and they were nothing like this. Instead of promoting positive sexual attitudes, my health class obliterated any beauty associated with the act (especially when your partner swallows) and instead showed horrific filmstrips of genitalia decimated by sexually transmitted diseases.

Labels: education, sex

Fans at a Great White concert got their money's worth when a pyrotechnic display sent the concert hall up in flames. Over seventy people are reported dead and the body count is mounting. The aftermath of the fire left many asking questions. Questions like, how did Great White sell three hundred fucking tickets? In lieu of the tragedy, band members had only this to say: "Thank you West Warwick! Good night!"

Labels: death, music, pop culture

Mark: I am going to get a haircut so I can trick this girl into thinking I am good looking. Today will be my "I am a good/funny/nice guy day." I may ask her out this Friday.
Me: Do it. Say something witty.
Mark: Like what?
Me:Like, "Are you into sodomy? Because I certainly am not."
Mark: Jesus.
Me:"And if your sitting there thinking I am into butt sex, then we should to end this relationship right now." Or tell her, "I do not wear underwear. But if I do, it is usually something tasteless, like a turquoise thong. Which look funny on me because of my hirsute bikini line." Something along those lines. That stuff is gold.
Mark: Is it? She might not get it.
Me: She seems dumb. That is good.
Mark: No, she is not dumb. She is a biology major.
Me: She seems smart. That is good. You are Rocky and I am Mickey in this scenario. "Go in there and tear her head off, Mark."

Labels: /mark, im convos, tomfoolery

Contemporary society is coddling children too much. Aside from eliminating the negative connotations of red ink, some Tennessee schools are now adopting a 0-50 policy. This means that the lowest possible grade a student can receive is 50 percent instead of zero. The process of eliminating the zero mark will benefit lazy students that do not turn in anything as they will still get 50 percent. At an early age kids will begin to learn that even the most minimal of efforts will be rewarded. Should we give them their union cards now?

Labels: education, stupidity

A soft economy has produced a risky marketplace for Japanese schoolgirls selling their soiled panties. When the economy was good and demand was high, a young woman could just stuff her crusty, days-old Hanes Her Way into a Ziploc bag and mail them off. Nowadays, with less buyers and plummeting demand, these panty-slinging schoolgirls are being lured into more precarious situations to make a living. It is a sad state of affairs when an Asian schoolgirl cannot sell her grubby underwear safely.

Labels: panties, perversion

Jake: The Gremlins kid was caught stealing a Deep Purple CD?
Me: I know. That makes it even more tragic.
Jake: How lame can one person be?
Me: Very lame. He was on the downhill slide after Gremlins 2, really.
Jake: Well yeah. But you figure that is as bad as it should get.
Me: True. You know you have hit rock bottom when you are lifting classic rock CDs from Tower Records.
Jake: There is always meth, though. He could still fall further.
Me: It is either meth or Hollywood Squares.
Jake: Or huffing silver spray paint and getting picked up on Cops with no pants and stained undies.
Me: Whippits?
Jake: Whippits are amateur hour, Matty. It is all about the metallics. Nothing kills brain cells faster. Even gasoline.
Me: Well that is plain silly. Everyone loves a good a bag of gas.

Labels: drugs, im convos, jake, movies, pop culture