If you want to mess with criminals, lock them away in the prison designed by anarchists. Beds are placed at a twenty degree angle making them nearly impossible to sleep on, floors of the cells are scattered with bricks and other geometric blocks to prevent prisoners from walking around and the walls are curved and covered with mind-altering patterns of cubes, squares, straight lines and spirals which utilize tricks of color, perspective and scale to cause mental confusion and distress. To make the torture complete Kenny G is then piped in over loud speaker.

Labels: crime, music, politics, pop culture

Being a Denver native, there was nothing I loved more than watching the Oakland Raiders getting their collective asses handed to them in Super Bowl XXXVII. The Oakland Raiders organization and their fans are scum of the earth and second only to Texans on the bottom of the American evolutionary scale. Football fans who wear metallic spiked shoulder pads, Darth Vader helmets and grenade bandoleers, call their stadium the Black Hole, throw batteries at opposing teams and beat their children do not deserve to win a world championship; they deserve a trip to prison to be somebody's bitch.

Labels: america, denver, pop culture, sports

Red ink is being banned in primary British schools because, "The red pen has negative connotations and can be seen as a negative approach to improving pupils' work." Since writing negative remarks in a different colored ink would invoke the same connotations as the red pen, maybe these sensitive little pricks should get gold stars and cookies when they do well and smiley faces when they do poorly. Under this system, the line between right and wrong will be blurred enough so the only thing kids will learn is that it is socially acceptable to be stupid because it makes people smile.

Labels: education, stupidity

The 2002 World Cup has popularized women in Asian countries stylizing their pubic hair into Mohawks in honor of David Beckham. When traveling to Osaka, She Who Will Not Be Named brought me back some authentic Japanese smut. The Japanese ladies tend to be quite hirsute in their nether regions. I guess you are not hip over there unless it looks like you got a midget in a scissors lock.

Labels: chicks, porn, she who, sports, vajayjay

As if the idea of a gang bang was not disgusting enough, the porn industry has defiled Western Civilization even further with the filming of a heavyweight gang bang. The concept: men weighing over three hundred pounds will hop on top of a porn queen and do their fat, sweaty business. If I wanted to see a bunch of perspiring pigs getting their rocks off, I would wait in line for the early bird special at Country Buffet.

Labels: gluttony, pop culture, porn

Reporters for High Times Magazine are convinced that Jesus was the ultimate dope pusher of the first century. According to these baked cheeba-monkeys, Jesus and his apostles would heal the masses with an extracted form of cannabis oil. We had a guy that liked to cure the masses with narcotics at my high school. His name was Kurt. Everybody liked Kurt because he always had good drugs and was always willing to share. I am sure if Kurt said he was the Son of God, half of the student body in my graduating class would have agreed with him just to keep scoring free dope. The same situation could be true for Jesus. Picture a group of stoned apostles sitting on a boat on the Sea of Galilee, smearing cannabis oil all over themselves convinced that Jesus was walking on water. "Dude, check out Jesus. He is walking on water."

Labels: drugs, glory days, history, religion

I am living in the waning hours of my vacation and getting woozy from the giant swig of NyQuil I just took. The only good thing about having a cold is drinking all the delicious NyQuil. Last night, after whacking down some of the green goodness, I blacked out and came too sometime this morning in the exact position I fell asleep in. NyQuil also has my two favorite preservatives in it: propylene glycol and green #3.

I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. There are two things I learned during my time off:

1. I would much rather be on vacation then work.
2. The new He-Man on Cartoon Network kicks ass. Teela has been transformed into a cock-teasing whore in a cod piece.

My time off was productive. I completed a giant painting (three 4 foot by 2 foot canvases), re-caulked my shower, wasted many hours with She Who Will Not Be Named playing Dynasty Warriors 3, read The Jungle by Upton Sinclair and I took numerous power naps.

I am now prepared to trudge back into fluorescent-lit cubicle hell a weakened, husk of a man. In actuality, my job is great, I feel refreshed and I am grateful to have work in a down economy. I am just bitching because I will miss the time off watching He-Man cartoons.

Labels: books, data slaughterhouse, geekery, l-i-v-i-n, pop culture, she who, the fairways