With Valentines Day fast approaching, young lovers are scrambling to find each other the perfect gift. If you are at a loss for ideas on what to get your sweetheart this year, try this on for size: GWAR is coming in concert on February 15 at the Ogden Theater. Trust me on this one; tickets to a GWAR concert would show your mate how much you love and respect them as a person. Picture this scenario: You and your lover go out to a nice dinner, a fancy steakhouse or someplace where you can get a nice piece of fish. You take a drive into the mountains. You whisper sweet nothings into one another's ears. You make love in the backseat of the car. To conclude the magical evening, you go to the music hall and listen to insane thrash music and watch in wonder and joy as a giant vagina spews fake menstrual blood out of its opening, and a giant, hairy cock sprays the unsuspecting crowd with large amounts of semen. All this occurs while grown men and women dressed like barbarians and Oakland Raider fans simulate murder and rape. Who said romance is dead?

Labels: denver, music, pop culture, valentines day

My new year started the exact same way my past six did; I was intoxicated, somebody passed me a glass, glasses or bottle of cheap champagne and somebody in my general vicinity kissed my face. My job has kept me busier than your mother in a roomful of horny sailors waving one-dollar bills and cucumbers. I usually come home from work burned out. I just want to eat a plate of tacos, play a few games of NHL 2002, watch some smut and then go upstairs to bed and fall asleep without incident.

Labels: apathy, drinking, new years, porn, tacos