I just finished sifting through my post-Thanksgiving emails (I had 77 waiting for me when I strolled in). I have a legitimate use for only three of these emails. Now, I understand that bullshit office emails are a necessary function of corporate America. Any emails regarding the status of copy and fax machines, free muffins in the break room and the arrival of Burrito Guy I tolerate because they are necessary (the Burrito Guy is the unofficial company breakfast burrito peddler. His burritos rank somewhere between wet concrete and fresh elephant feces in terms of taste and edibility). What I cannot handle, however, are blast office emails regarding an individual's availability status; and nine times out of ten, it is usually someone in sales. The emails go something like this:

I will be out of the office for (insert time frame here). If anyone needs to contact me, please transfer to my voice mail or have them email me.

This is directed to anyone who has ever sent an email out like the one above:

First, if someone wants to contact you, chances are they already have your direct line, cell number or email. People in the business world understand that by using one or all of these methods of communication, their goal of getting in touch with you will be accomplished. The entire office does not need detailed instructions on what to do if someone calls or comes looking for you.

Second, nobody gives a shit where you are or will be at any given time. More than likely, people know what to do in your absence and/or possess the basic problem solving skills to figure out an alternative solution if you are not available. Contrary to the inflated ego inherent in cocksuckers like you, business continues operating when you are gone. This may come as a shock to your self-important ass, but you are just as expendable as the rest of us. It is called capitalism. You might have heard about it.

Finally, if you are not going to be in the office, use the Out of Office assistant or record an informative statement on your voice mail regarding your availability. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT email the entire fucking company.

I am tempted to start sending out company-wide emails informing the office of when I am going in to take a shit.

Labels: burritos, data slaughterhouse